Let it out!

[Ganesha]

^well at least I don't feel physically uncomfortable atm.

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

I made myself a nice evening meal, but now the neighbour's cat came walking into the store and is begging me for food.
No kitty, that's mine!!

 

[Ganesha]

I rode my bicycle through a monsoon rainstorm for about half an hour.










Delicious.

 

[Forkbender]

My Qi Gong classes started again and I'm really enjoying the stillness and harmony that come out of it...

 

[Twilight]

That's so cool man.

I've had my first and last lesson last wednesday.
But I decided it wasn't for me.
Not because it's not interesting. In fact, I love it. But the group of people I did it with just didn't feel right and they didn't seem interested in what the actual goal of it is.

 

[Forkbender]

Yeah, it is really important to have a good teacher/group.

Where did you take the lesson?

 

[Twilight]

Just here in this 'village' where I still live. Alphen a/d Rijn. :lol:
I really need to check out a bigger city for stuff like that I think.

Anyway, nice to read you're having a great time there. That's in Amsterdam right?

 

[Forkbender]

Indeed.

 

[darkwolfunseen]

Completely irrelevant... but 5 hits of 40x Sally D + Crazy rorschach test via Gnarles Barkley = Insane/Amazing!!!!


http://www.megavideo.com/?v=J5I6KWL0

 

[IJesusChrist]

After a test which seemed divine in power, I was finally confronted with my girlefriends drunken thoughts -

On everything, her brother being shot, her dad hitting her mother, her brother being alone, her loving me and not feeling it back, me taking back my "i love you"

I feel so conflicted:

She is the nicest person in the world, you know that girl that you picture in your mind that is never sad? Always, no matter what, gives the happiest advice, with the biggest smile, and is never down? Thats my girlfriend.

I love her, I love just hugging her, I love being with her (... well sometimes). But I have a very intense feeling of needing to be alone some more. I fear that I'm going to hurt her, so I want to leave her before I do. But that will hurt her. I'm afraid of commitment. I'm not ready to commit my life to someone. I wish I was, but I don't know if its psychologically possible for me to stick to one love rightnow. If I stay with her, I'm not going to leave her. If I let go, I want her back when I'm older, and more mature. No matter what I do, without changing my consciousness 90° down another path, I'm going to hurt her. A 90° is to extreme for me to take on at the moment.

(yes I told her this) the result is she becomes MORE distant. We are polar opposites. Me being a quite thinker, with a very sarcastic humor. Her being a very angel like, innocent, ready to do anything you ask..

 

[darkwolfunseen]

Honestly if you already know you want to end up with her, the real issue here is how much are you willing to not end up with her. I'd say write out all the reasons you can't be with her right now, and then all the reasons why you could make it work for the sake of being with her. Whichever list is larger/more important wins. you'd be surprised how quickly subconscious writing answers questions for you. Good luck, it's never an easy decision.

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

The worst thing I ever did was marry the wrong person, and even now, five years after the divorce, it keeps haunting me. I wake up in a good mood, but then the phone rings and half an hour later I'm deeply depressed, even desperate. Not once in a while, but several times a month, sometimes even several times a week. And the toughest part is that no matter what I do, no matter what I fix or buy or give or say, it's never good enough, and even if I do things right, my family is being accused of this, that and some other things.

Really, there isn't anything in my life I regret more than contacting this person, and not taking decisive action at an earlier stage of the relationship. My guess is the misery will continue for at least another decade. This means having to tolerate hateful remarks, negative interpretations of my past and present actions, as well as various forms of blackmail involving the kids. It also means being too emotionally disturbed to engage in psychonautic activities, enjoying my spare time or allowing myself to fall in love again.

Very often I feel that the only way to make sure this doesn't influence me too much is by mentally and emotionally detaching myself from my kids, so that at least the blackmailing will not have too much effect on me. This of course means I have to have faith that she can raise the children by herself, but I'm afraid she can't. Moreover, I do feel strongly attached to my kids, and I feel very sad that again and again her mood swings get in the way of a normal interaction with them (and her). I would see them way more often (and help her out with things) if she would be a little less hostile and belligerent. But it seems to be a hopeless situation. When I got to know her she was criticizing everyone and everything, and not much has changed since then, except that now she's mainly criticizing me and my family, and some other people who disappointed her. I think she's making her own life miserable by constantly lashing out at others and focusing on the negative rather than the positive.

 

[Forkbender]

Ah, man, that sucks.

Have you been open and honest to her about how this situation affects you?

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

Have you been open and honest to her about how this situation affects you?

Yes, very open and honest, and I've spoken about this very often. I listen to her, acknowledge the things she says, express my sympathy, talk softly, remain friendly, repeat things if I get the impression she didn't hear what I said, write things down for clarification... But it's never enough.

It's also not that I'm the only person she criticizes. Teachers at school, a psychologist, the neighbours, her ex, some of her friends, my employers (past and present) and like I said my various family members, they've all had to experience this side of her. I don't know if all Polish women are like this, or that it was simply her family, or her unique personality, but it seems it will never change. Which means I have only one option: live with it.

It's sad though, because when I know she has one of her moods again, I don't call my kids, sometimes for days on end...

 

[Forkbender]

Tough situation. Have you heard about Nonviolent Communication? It is an interesting method of communicating, which makes a lot of intuitive sense to me. I haven't studied it yet, but I will soon. The 'inventor', Michael Rosenberg, has achieved very good results with it, for example in the middle east getting a group of palestinians to talk with a group of jews without either of them getting angry and resolving a lot of issues. Basically it just consists of recognizing and naming the emotions of others and asking the right questions. It might be worth investigating because you have a shared future if you want it or not and maybe it will make living with it a bit easier. Distancing yourself from your kids would be a tragedy.

 

[Brugmansia]

:weedman: :weedman:

Forced activity had gotten me lately, and it was I who kept procrastinating his sleep for the sake of watching a monitor longer. I call still feel the irregular sleep patterns in my head after a few days as the green herb had just disclosed it through inner focus. The rised warmth in my head and heart pulse is a result of the last weeks.

Got a dream tonight, in where I was invited to participate, which is a choice up to me. Alchemy is calling, a twined substance experience. I must exercise for a while first which has not been the case that much the last weeks. I must calm my pulse entirely and release any body tense first prior to ingestion. Only in that way my soul may find respite.

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

Basically it just consists of recognizing and naming the emotions of others and asking the right questions.

I guess you mean Marshall Rosenberg. I intensely studied and practiced that method in 1997, just before I met my wife. I had attended a workshop called "Listening so that people will speak, and speaking so that people will listen", which was based on Rosenberg's method. I was also reading other books on communication, like John Grey's Mars & Venus books, and a variety of books on psychology. But all that know-how is of very little use if a person is stubbornly clinging to dysfunctional ways of communicating, if a person is addicted to nagging.

Though the relationships didn't last, I didn't experience significant problems communicating with my two ex-girlfriends, and with people in general. Nobody seems to despise me as much as my ex-wife, except perhaps some people who only know my online personality.

Pfew, this does feel cathartic. Too bad it doesn't solve anything.

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

Forced activity had gotten me lately, and it was I who kept procrastinating his sleep for the sake of watching a monitor longer.

Sounds familiar. I come home from work around 23:00, so I must make quite an endeavor to turn the monitors off at a reasonable time. Two weeks ago I felt the exhaustion, and even had one of those rare headaches because of it. I've been eating and sleeping like a health freak for several days now, so physically and mentally I feel quite good again. Financially and emotionally, well that's another matter...

 

[Twilight]

Damn hey Caduceus!
That sounds terrible.
How did you ever marry her if she is this way now?
She probably wasn't that way back then?

Makes me think about how you can be wrong about people and see how they change in a bad way over the years you know them.

Best of luck with that.

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

Damn hey Caduceus!
That sounds terrible.
How did you ever marry her if she is this way now?

At the time I was practicing the Hare Krishna religion, where there is no place for 'dating'. And of the women who were around at the time, she definitely was the most intelligent. I noticed the anger in her, and witnessed her rage a couple of times, but thought she would mellow out.

She probably wasn't that way back then?

She was actually, but at the time her criticism was (mainly) aimed at other people than me, like her own parents, or the founder and local authorities of the Hare Krishna movement, against whom I was rebelling myself. As time went by, and financial prosperity wasn't achieved, I became more and more the focus of her negativity.