Your greatest fear.

[IJesusChrist]

While falling asleep the other night I had yet another revelation (these are happening daily now)

My true fear is that I am on some kind of cosmoligically large truman show - that I'm the only one with consciousness, and it's just a test to see how consciousness works.

Its a very terrifying feeling thinking you're the only one with consciousness, and essentially, all matter, life, and space around you is just a ploy to see how consciousness reacts to certain events and situations. All your connections made through life that you hold dear, your parents, your friends, are all nothing, because in a way they all stem from the same cosmoligically insane master plot.

After realizing this is what I have been running from, "Damn, that is a crazy thought. Irrational." Although my logic sees nothing wrong with this, and I try to be a very logical person, it was very hard to escape, even though I didn't really know what I was afraid of (it didn't hit me that this is my fear till many months after the fear appeared).

After having realized this I proceeded to have the most intense and confusing dream of my life. I was in a small room, with a black open ceiling that went to absolutely nothing, the room was sloped, and I was on the top. The ground was grass, rocks, and a stream, almost like an inside sloped zen garden. There was a door to the bottom right. This is when it becomes indescribable:

I grasped on to ropes that were being projected from my mind, my conscious thought BECAME a parachute, and I could not see, hear or sense anything, because my consciousness was an object of matter, not an energy or whatever it is. If I thought or began to think, my parachute would fail me and I had to walk. By blanking out my mind I would grab the parachute, and be moved downwards, down the slope. When I landed it became so confusing I can no longer express it in any clear matter of words:

My thoughts became solid matter in a way that allowed me to sense things be of "open".

I cannot describe it any further.

By the way, I overcame my fear much before this realization, many times over, and have been coming up revelation after revelation lately. Fear is fear, you can dwell within it, or you can realize that you may also enjoy yourself, rather than running. Secondly I realized I was also fearing the past. I was fearing fear that I felt in the past - why was I fearing it now? To fear it to come again is ridiculous, defensive mode is not a way to live. Then this cosmic realization came, which... does sound crazy, paranoid, etc, and it is.

I want so desperately to explain how intense that emotion can be, but why? It's an addiction to fear.... Why? Makes no sense to me.

 

[atypical]

IJesusChrist
this is just my psychedelic armchair psychologist position and mighta already been theorized on this thread but perhaps that fear derives from a deeper perception of lack of control over your own life for example in my own life i assume at times i am an observer in my own life subconsciously to kill the responsibility that i need to take upon myself to change things through my own independant actions.. This can manifest for me on trips in the form of needing to control everything thats going on down to the finest detail or simply being extremely overwhelmed and curling up in a ball, waiting for an otherwise constructive lsd/mescal/psylocibin trip to end just because i can't find the balance between what are uncontrollable, random events vs. events that i construct one way or another
I hope this makes sense and can help you as it has helped me immensely simply putting this down on cyber paper
let me know if this seems applicable to you if you are still following this thread please

 

[ophiuchus]

an addiction to fear creates and manifests as the will to reach a deadline. adrenaline glands, anxiety. finishing tasks, completion, perfection(verb not noun). building upon the old. transmitting data of convenience.

kinda strange though, how thought works to find a means to an end for action, while action is the mechanism that brought the ability for such higher thoughts.. cycles can spin your head around. oh ubiquitous balance, what would i do without you?

 

[IJesusChrist]

Atypical,

This fear is the foundation for all of my other fears... What I'm afraid of, in the very end of end-all's is that I am alone.

Not that I die alone, not that when I die I lose consciousness, not that there is an end, no,

My fear is that I am living alone, that everything around me is a fractal of some parallel world that I can experience, but in almost all ways am not a part of, that I am some externally cosmological experiment of my own perception. I have put myself in my own world in a grave mistake that I had overlooked the possibility that my creation would figure out it is myself!

But again... This WAS my greatest fear, if it is somehow true - which would lead me directly into psychosis if I believed it any longer, and would coincide with every psychadelic trip I have ever taken, I will ignore it.

But it isn't true, it is a mere example of the power of my mind to encapsulate myself and itself in something smaller than all I know.

My greatest fear now is that my parents do not pass away in peace.

 

[DaZeD]

I recognize that man, thinking you are the creater of it al, i used to believe the same, i dunno what's true or not anymore, maybe life actually IS a dream afterall, i can't tell anymore, trip conclusions are confusing, lol. :?

My biggest fear is, well, fear itself.

I know fear is the enemy, you have to avoid being afraid at all costs, but it's not easy, and once in a while, when you lose total control, you get scared, and fear takes a walk with your confidence.
I hate that.

Also' i'm afraid that my thoughts are capable (to a certain degree) of creating reality, i mean, when i'll think everyday; i will lose my job, my cat will get killed by a car, i'll have a bad day etc, that will eventually happen, now, i seem to have a problem here, i think quite negative, and i'm doing this a lot, i try not to, but it's just a strong sensation of inner restlesness that drives me to negative thinking every time, now, the harder i try not to, the harder i will, i'm not a good friend to myself.

I'm afraid this negative thinking will create a loop of negative things, and i can't stop it, i'm in a vicious circle.

 

[Forkbender]

It is because you fear fear. Fear is a good thing, it will help you when you need it. If you fear fear and keep away from it, you don't know when to be scared, so you are scared all the time. Love is much stronger than fear, so don't worry.

 

[atypical]

it seems like youre on the right track to me forkbender, though it is natural to fear what puts one at a disadvantage in danger, that danger increases due to the disadvantage of extreme fear which mentally can loop infinitely for me which causes psychoses and mental trouble in general, I know certainly for me my biggest fear going into a trip is that the fear will emerge and romp about in my mental playground that i call my brain bullying me into being its bitch. I love working through these kind of experiences, its like math but for all whos' involveds' brains and the solution always bring a way to increase youre quality of life by .000001-50% rather than meaningless (to me) numbers

 

[Forkbender]

Fear is only bad if you resist it.

 

[BrainEater]

so you really wanna be your brain's bitch??? or better the other way round??

does it matter whether you created all this, but cannot wrap your head around that idea???

i thought about similar stuff like you, IJC, and i started experiencing similar feelings/thoughts of despair and fear and still am experiencing it... if it is true and you really created all this, just to experience it as a separate consciousness, then why would you be alone?? you would be with your creation, of which you would be an individual part of the "big whole" or whatever...
i think your fear of being a part of a cosmological consciousness experiment has to do with belief in this creator, but somehow you still can't embrace the idea you began starting to research, because you seem to fear something there....
maybe i am where you are too, because i can't stop thinking about this religious perception of the world, which i tell me i have to develop further, to see thru all the illusions etc. etc. ...


and to DaZeD: ask yourself why would you want to create bad situations for yourself with negative thinking?? i know where you are, i sometimes have a similar habit of perpetuating negative thought loops, without really knowing why i do it or without the strongness in thought that i should stop it. i think you need to get aware of yourself more and understand that it is more important to love yourself than to fear, neglect or hate yourself.
i think you can do it, but you need peace of mind and calmness to develop the mental strength of saying no to upcoming negative energy bursts and direct the energy inside you like YOU want and not like your restlesness and negativity cycle wants you to feed it on and on with more and more negative energy.

just stop the negative cycle and start new positive cycles. alone by thought, emotion and eventually action. you are indeed the creator of your reality with your thoughts etc. why not make a nice reality for yourself?? is it necessary to feel bad?? do you want to destroy yourself?? or burn out???

as long as the negative cycle in yourself is perpetuated just notice it but don't try to fight it. you need to be gentle to yourself or your negativity could even grow more. love yourself and don't feel bad for doing that. it's ok to love yourself and others.... anybody who tells you different probably can't convince you of his own twisted philosophy...


maybe psychosis is just something because of too much fear trapped in a brain... i thought a lot about it and often when i thought about fear and my brain i would think that if i would ever have this or that scary thought for a too long time i would definately become psychotic as soon as some significant threshold of fear-thoughts would've been passed. it could be good for you, to think about the idea of fearing fear. it's absurd.. why do you want to raise fear to the level that you start to fear it separately from your other 'fears' ?? however it could be beneficial to understand this primal emotion in yourself, but not when the price is to put yourself into a victim position of your fear. similar like you put yourself into a victim position of your own thoughts and emotions. don't tell yourself that you are weak, why such uselelss negativity?? why self-destruction??

a lot of speculation there so please to be taken with a grain of salt!


peace :weedman:

 

[ararat]

I hear you IJC, I've been there as well. it wasn't exactly the same place though. I didn't think of it as a test, since a "test" would imply that there is someone, a higher entity, doing that test, and that idea has always been out of question for me. and what use would that test have after all?
in my case it all arose from suppressed emotions, from fleeing from myself, more or less.

I can't really give any advice, I can't even really recall how I "found back". now it's out of question for me that I'm the only one consciousness, or that I'm any different from other people. just doesn't make sense.

 

[DaZeD]

Fear is only bad if you resist it.

Normally i know that, and usually i'm not afraid that quickly, but i can be afraid, my last acid trip showed this, but i guess i'm not done processing it completely, but thanks for the advice though, it's true, fear can be helpful.

so you really wanna be your brain's bitch??? or better the other way round??

similar like you put yourself into a victim position of your own thoughts and emotions. don't tell yourself that you are weak, why such uselelss negativity?? why self-destruction??

My brains bitch, lol, that's how it feels like sometimes yes.

But, no, i don't wan't to, but once in a while i kinda lose myself, normally i'm pretty stable, but i don't need that much to get out of balance either, i know myself pretty well, but you know, moods change sometimes, then it looks like i'm not capable of thinking straight, and sometimes it looks like i can't get out of that negative loop, and i should know better.

I'm participating in a Mindfulness training for 5 weeks now, and this really helps, but it takes a lot of practice, an hour a day is adviced, that contains a lot of breath practice and meditation, and life can roll at a high speed now and then, and those moments are difficult to relax myself, or meditate, but all by all, meditation and breath practice can be a wonderful guide to a calm state of mind.

 

[figment]

I am truly afraid of alienation. I have only 2 friends that I can really relate with, and I have a really hard time finding more. And it is necessary for me to find more because they might both leave the country between now and 5 years. I have many other friends but they are simply not on the same level, even though I respect them very greatly.

 

[IJesusChrist]

I hate how everything is relatives, and only your own perception can create good, evil.

I want a baseline, I want something that I can fall back onto, something that is always true... But there isn't, in the end, it's all created by you, and yourself. It's hard to cope with that at first, and whether you learn to ignore it, or somehow become OK with it seem to be the same to me. I cannot seem to take that lightly, that I, in essence am the only thing that exists to me relative to my consciousness. Everything else is within that very frame.

It may also be that its winter time and winter time just sucks for emotions.

But cheer up guys, especially you dazed, that spiral is only existant if you ponder upon it.

Stop ignoring fear, stop running, stop resisting it. What can it do to you? Can fear really control you? The fear that fear can control you... is just the fear itself.

Ahh. Wow. Another revelation. WOW. K. MUST Yup k bye.

 

[IJesusChrist]

I remember my younger child hood I would be stone-stiff afraid of ghosts in my house. The fear that they were going to get me. (Age 8,9)

Every night I would quiet my breath, hoping to god that the ghhosts wouldn't hear me, see me and leave me alone.

The one night. I sat up. I looked directly into the room in which I thought the ghost 'lived'. I sat up for an entire hour staring into the room and nothing happened.

I had been going to sleep in fear for ATLEAST a year and a half before this happened.

I just remember the overwhelming sense of power, authority that I had gained by sitting up and confronting the ghost... which of course never appeared.

I'm sure this is more important to me than it will be to you... but whatever your fear is, just confront it, you'll understand that maybe it is true, maybe it isn't true, but why fear it?

 

[Crimzen]

I want a baseline, I want something that I can fall back onto, something that is always true... But there isn't, in the end, it's all created by you, and yourself. It's hard to cope with that at first, and whether you learn to ignore it, or somehow become OK with it seem to be the same to me. I cannot seem to take that lightly, that I, in essence am the only thing that exists to me relative to my consciousness. Everything else is within that very frame.

I can relate to this, i've found this to be true from my perspective also

AND i can totally relate to your ghost story
When i was young i had a recurring dream of a zombie chasing me through a horror land full of ugly clowns and fire and stuff like that
one time i woke up and get out of bed to get a drink but as i opened my bedroom door in the darkness i saw a shadowy figure and so i ran back into my room switched on the light and sat under my blanket for about half an hour before going back to sleep
i convinced myself it was the zombie
then after having this dream on and off for about a year i had it one more time
and this time i was with a friend in the dream and we were hiding crouched down behind a car from the zombie
then he came around a corner and i...in my finest hour..beat the shit out of the zombie with a broomstick until i beat it into pieces
then i threw it into a volcano and never had the dream again

now that after i know more about the way the mind works (than i did back then..) i can see the obvious metaphore for life, or maybe moral that my dream was teaching me

 

[IJesusChrist]

I think dreams of your youngest days really are precursors as well as good sets of points of how you are going to develope - how you cope with problems. I remember a dream I had when I was little where a bear was going to eat me, and I said "Its ok, I can wake up"

The second time around I said "Its ok, if things get to far deep, I can wake up - but I want to face this fear first."

Slowly it progresses into life, and you learn lessons. Dreams are the subconscious speaking to your conscious, letting you know things that you need to be aware of.

 

[ophiuchus]

i agree. just make sure you are trying to hear it. direct your consciousness to it. i've had many revelations through dreams, as well as before going to sleep, had to write down some of them to make sure i remembered ha. that's funny, i too conquered the ghost thing.. i couldn't sleep with my back to the room for years, then one time, i said fuck it, lets see if it gets me, and it never did. i distinctly remember the sheer terror though, even just of the idea of rolling over on to my stomache for even a single moment. :lol:

 

[IJesusChrist]

i distinctly remember the sheer terror though, even just of the idea of rolling over on to my stomache for even a single moment. :lol:

Tremble! Or scratching my leg - that took balls.

 

[gtchemen]

my fears are simple
Death failure and being alone

Death~ dont like heights especially if i can still live crippled at a hight i fall from
Failure~ people count on me and if i let them down it crushes my soul. i feel i hold up my world and if the pain causes me to drop it everything is Fcuked

Alone~ every body needs somebody ; )

 

[sensei58]

existing without life without contact of life or proof of something to exist with. not exactly being alone or lonely but more like being the only thing there is and ever was