Your greatest fear.

[IJesusChrist]

Guys, I finally found mine. It had been haunting me for several years now, and I never could identify what exactly I was afraid of. Every psychadelic encounter I had eventually had me running in fear, running in circles, through my head, away from this aparition of an idea.

But it has finally presented itself. It first appeared in my salvia trip. At the time, I knew salvia was scary, and I knew it presented a fear to me - but I didn't realize this was what I had been running from all along.

Here it is, I will explain it best I can:

My greatest fear is me realizing that I am the creator of the universe, not just the universe, but all of reality. This at first seems stupid, I know, thats why I didn't think it was my greatest fear at first - but then it came to me. I am not only the creator, but my human body is an observer. I am not controlling me. I am watching me. This goes farther still, I am no conscious, the me, the body, the brain. Not conscious. Nobody is conscious. In fact, everyone is nothing but an observer. That observer is me. I am the omnipotent observer, however. In creating this reality, I have only chosen to observe one person. One thing.. One human. I am in fact c in control of everything.

In my salvia trip this was aparant. However, people who I interact with are me - I am interacting with myself in a very dynamic dance, with an outcome that will forever be the same. I have created me to stretch to everything, and I have done it to see its effects on one person, the human me.

... Jesus christ. The choice now: I completely forget this post, as this exact idea brings on my every panic attack, my every fear, my every gut wrenching feeling of unwantedness.

Whats your fear?

 

[Ahuaeynjxs]

Be harmful even in the most subtle way, as if tears could be catched by the lotus, evenmore as the earth grows !

 

[Psyolopher]

Interesting concept of fear there.
Did it go the the extent you were beginning to see things manifest?
And that frightened the hell out of you?
This does seem like an odd thing to be afraid of, but I can imagine the overwhelming sense of the concept.
I've been there myself, and in the end the math was to hard for me.
The mystery of it all still is abit frightening, but I find it highly interesting.

I dont know what my biggest fear is, i've been afraid of many things.
I guess im afriad of failure.
Funny enough, Im not afraid of death.....
Like, if im sitting in a car...and its driving really fast and the driver is not a good driver.....I get the thought, well if we crash i hope i die rather fast.
And thats really comforting!
But im ALOT more afraid of losing my hearing, or being crippled.
I cant pinpoint the exact thing i fear the most.....
btw, how the hell Do I do that?
I've been living in fear so much in my life, I kind of enjoy it now!
Hard to explain.....

But fuck, im gonna give this one more thought.
BUt before that, im off to bed!

 

[Proteus]

IJC you trip hard! Slow up and let things settle if they're getting too freaky.

My old greatest fear used to be that all the good I might see in myself or the world was just a relativistic adjustment to a world that was inherently oppressive, cruel and malicious.

In other words I was scared the reality I might wake up to was that I was an incredibly evil person and the world around me was evil too. Even the good that I saw myself doing would ultimately just help things become more evil.

I don't feel scared of that so much now. I think I accepted it as a possibility. At the time I was scared I was a charity worker. I wanted to help people but I also felt that helping them get a little relief from their problems might ultimately serve the powers that be. i.e. it would allow them to excuse themselves from the mess they'd caused and carry on as they were much more than it liberated the people I was working to help.

 

[Forkbender]

That pain outweighs bliss.

IJC, it sounds a bit like solipsism...

 

[Tunnelvision]

That pain outweighs bliss.

IJC, it sounds a bit like solipsism...

in this theory you actually say that the experiences of others have no real meaning and that you yourself also created these. My gut feeling says this is not the way it goes, but its really difficult to explain why. I have had those feelings you talk bout also though Jesuschrist on several trips so I can see your point.

What about this view; You are not the creator oberving himself but the creator divided in many observers

 

[Clusterface]

The only thing i fear so far, is the monster living inside my head ... it brings pain of unimaginable strenght. And maybe pain doenst sound so scary to you, but i can assure you, it scares the shit out of me. It scares me more then death.

Losing my sanity comes a close 2nd though.

 

[HeartCore]

That observer is me. I am the omnipotent observer, however. In creating this reality, I have only chosen to observe one person. One thing.. One human. I am in fact c in control of everything.

Namaste!

This is a very profound experience you had, if you don't mind me saying. To me, it touches about the nature of what God really is, we all are one, at the level of the observer, there is no division or separation. One way to talk about this would be to say 'the One that became Many', God consciousness divided into many separate things and beings but in essence, there is no difference at all between us and the confusion lies in the fact that if God would play this game and all parts would be conscious of the big idea, the experience would be rather dull I imagine.

When we keep pushing the envelope, specifically with psychedelics, it's usually a matter of time until we get there and realise the big picture and how connected this all really is. It's important then to try to humble and try to remember that in essence, we all are in the same boat and even the least awake among us, are just the exact same brilliant and amazing mystery that we all are without an exception and that yes, you are omnipotent and created all and everyone. As did I, and everybody else which is one of the greatest paradoxes of it all and very hard, if not impossible, to wrap a monkey mind around

 

[Forkbender]

What about this view; You are not the creator oberving himself but the creator divided in many observers

Yes, something like that. I´d say ´you´ are one of the products of the creator dividing itself into many observing subjects. This is a subtle distinction from solipsism in which you and the creator are one and the same.

 

[VerusDeus]

Funny, I was just recently trying to put my finger on what my biggest fear is. Just like IJesus I always end up at some point getting the shivers when on psychedelics. But never, no matter how I tried to let go, did the fear show itself.

After some pondering I figured one of my major fears maybe that all the good intentions and love in me will never be recognized by others, and that I will never be able to amount to anything with those intentions and love. Which is a rather probable conclusion because I am a fairly introvert person and find it hard to be sociable. The people I feel comfortable with I could count on one hand, thus I keep myself trapped in this safe-zone inside my head, when in the presence of people I don't feel that comfortable with.

And perhaps another fear is that of never ever finding a proper way to live my life. As I have pretty much always felt a sort of discontentment with how things are going. I also seem to find it hard to enjoy things of which I know I should enjoy.

This 'topic' will definately be on the 'to do' list on my next psychedelic sojourn.

 

[Proteus]

When we keep pushing the envelope, specifically with psychedelics, it's usually a matter of time until we get there and realise the big picture and how connected this all really is. It's important then to try to humble and try to remember that in essence, we all are in the same boat and even the least awake among us, are just the exact same brilliant and amazing mystery that we all are without an exception and that yes, you are omnipotent and created all and everyone. As did I, and everybody else which is one of the greatest paradoxes of it all and very hard, if not impossible, to wrap a monkey mind around

I think the solipsistic POV can be uncomfortable because it can come with a sense of dissociative loneliness.

If I'm picturing IJC's nightmarish vision correctly, well if you can imagine being totally omnipotent such that everything was under your control, there was nothing in it that could exist that you did not create yourself, how could you have a significant relationship with anything whatsoever if it was entirely your design? There would be no hole for the I-know-not-what to enter and change that. You'd be utterly isolated, imprisoned as a witness to a meaningless predetermined universe.

Absorption into the infinite is often accompanied by the falling away of loneliness & isolation. The sense of separation evaporates and you feel that, whatever happens, you will always be intimately part of the unfolding of creation. Others are you but the you has become something utterly open to infinite mystery and endless change. If the you somehow closes in on itself and the world becomes endlessly self-referential, that is an exquisitive kind of hell instead.

 

[Proteus]

This 'topic' will definately be on the 'to do' list on my next psychedelic sojourn.

Excellent.

I think these things are good to look at.

Never really achieving a satisfying way to live or manifesting the love you have inside you, these are feelings some people are haunted by when they're getting old & close to death by which time they can be so set in their ways they struggle to come to terms with such feelings.

Even long before they're really getting old people will say things like, "I have so much love to give and it may go to waste." or "I've achieved nothing in my life. All my skills and proficencies, they're not being used and I feel like I'm slowly dying." Its very good to look at these problems. I think the solutions often come in an unexpected way and take time to brew but its always good to look.

 

[Caduceus Mercurius]

IJC, what you describe ("I am the creator of the universe, not just the universe, but all of reality") doesn't scare me, and didn't scare me when I was peaking on acid recently. And conversely, when I did Salvia some years ago, just breathing or thinking felt scary. Therefore it seems the fear is more related to the specific effects of Salvia, working on the kappa-opiod receptor, than the concept or experience itself. Having read dozens of trip reports over a two year period, I've become wary of Salvia-induced philosophical concepts.

You could try this out yourself. Abstain from Salvia for a while and instead try some other entheogens again (specifically ayahuasca, LSD, mushrooms or mescaline), and contemplate the matter from within these altered states.

 

[Twilight]

I agree with Caduceus.
It's not that I have experienced such things, but I don't think thoughts like being the creator of the universe or being one of the tiny bits of a creator don't really scare me. It's just extremely interesting.

I'm not sure what kind of things might be my biggest fear. Can't think of something. Maybe my biggest fear right now is a bit more physical, like both of my parents dying or my brother or sister.

I can imagine though that being presented with the astronomical gigantic size of the universe can be quite frightening.

 

[restin]

Interesting post, IJC. No words for it yet.

My biggest fear is, and always was, death. Many people undergo their first "contact" with the concept of fear during puberty, I claim that most people just ignore and forget it, instead of really undergoing the process of accepting death. I don't know, I never was able to really find my peace with it.

"Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard.
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come."

 

[st.bot.32]

i guess my greatest fears are related to mortality, but aren't really about the inevitability of death itself. i'm in no rush to die, I'm quite happy to be alive, but I don't think death necessarily has to be unpleasant. It could actually be a profound experience, the ultimate 'trip'. i guess it's more certain experiences I innately fear, not death... like that which is psychological hell, here on earth. i'm sure we all have things that we find so remarkably unpleasant that it would test our desire to continue living, if we could avoid them through death

and caduceus, i totally agree with your post. i always found salvia too unstable, too quick, too random, hence just not conductive to steady, maintained trance to really get anything out of beyond the immediacy of the (cool) sensory effects. classic psychedelics are so much more coherent. they can allow you to accept some of your fears, cut right through them, and once you are past them, with an undistracted mind you move on to even deeper questions

-edit- the only caveat i would add to the above (not to anyone in particular, just in my experience).. if you aren't able to let the fear just go when you on your trips, if they are only intensifying your discomfort, perhaps one might be rushing things. better to take a break, live life, think deeply about things and then return later with a bit more perspective and life experience

 

[VerusDeus]

Oh about that Salvia thing: I have this hunch the fear might be related to the way of using Salvia. The tribe(s)? who use it say you should never burn Salvia... Besides that, it makes the drug way to fast acting and hence might scare either the body or mind shitless. I am very interested in trying it orally as I've had near threshold experiences that seemed very promising. It seems to have a really nice warm feeling to it, and you gently enter the realms(instant of being canonballed into it).

Just an off-topic thought.

 

[ararat]

I agree with Caduceus.
It's not that I have experienced such things, but I don't think thoughts like being the creator of the universe or being one of the tiny bits of a creator don't really scare me. It's just extremely interesting.

I can only speak for myself, but the frightening part is not the thought, but the feeling. it's a whole different thing to contemplate the possibility of solipsism, or to feel it.


my biggest fear... I haven't thought about it that much actually, going to think about it while smoking that joint I just rolled .
well, I do worry a lot about love and relationships (first of all because I'm not engaged in one..). me being bisexual doens't make this whole thing a lot easier..

 

[Psychoid]

Why fear?
Just live and enjoy!

To still give an answer to your question, I'd say that what worries me the most is the thought of never finding a girl to share my life with.

But I am free from fear.


(again, there is a problem with the meaning the word "fear" has for everyone. One might consider that my worries are fear, but for me fear is a whole other thing, it is a paralysing, exhausting and depressing emotion).


I don't understand why the thought that you are the creator scares you so much. I think that anybody who takes psychedelic in a psychonautic intent will get to experience and feel the same things, the same concepts. What differs is how you interpret this. Maybe my nihilism is saving me from the fear? Cause as though I've experienced the exact same thing as you (with mushrooms), I've never been scared, and didn't change my whole life as it was true, because I can't be 100% sure it was real. What if it was just delirium? Or misinterpretation?

I prefer to give more attention to the things on which I have no doubt about, and which I can do something about. So I try to apply in my life universal love, acceptance, respect, peace, and always keep an open mind. Cause those are the concepts which I've really experienced and felt as real and undeniably desirable. And I do my best to stay away from fear, domination, control, anger, selfishness, egocentrism and violence, because those are the concepts which I've really experienced and felt as undeniably wrong and destructive.

 

[st.bot.32]

Oh about that Salvia thing: I have this hunch the fear might be related to the way of using Salvia. The tribe(s)? who use it say you should never burn Salvia...

That's a good point. I got the quid method to work once, and it's very different than smoking it.. not nearly as disassociative. Far more gentle. The distortion of, and the crossing of the senses was still quite powerful, but I never completely forgot that I had taken Salvia.. it was like I could choose to let go and sink into the experience, and stay there for a while, even explore it for a bit. I just never was able to repeat the quid method successfully again, so I haven't really been able to explore that state enough to determine how useful it is to me. If I could get it to work I'd give it another try.