Share Your Transformative Experience(s)!

[UnityofOpposites]

I am currently doing research on the subject of transformative psychedelic experiences. I plan to further this research later on in my academic career, in order to show the validity of use of these substances in a therapeutic, responsible manner, as being able to not only catalyze normal therapeutic processes, but lead to realms of change otherwise untouched by any kind of traditional therapy. I feel that it would be beneficial for me to collect reports of many experiences had "in the wild," or in a naturalistic, non experimental setting. These abound on the internet, but since the subject matter I am searching for is rather specific, Ive decided to make a new post, perhaps getting responses of specific relevance to what I am studying from intelligent psychonauts.

My aim in this post is to hopefully gain many rich descriptions of various peoples psychedelic experiences (with any of the drugs listed on this site as valid subjects for discussion), which they feel fall into the category of "mystical" or "transforming."

What I particularly am interested in knowing is how your more "profound" or "deep" experiences have initiated lasting change in your normal perception of your self, others, your world, and the interrelations of those.

I am proposing that what is transformed is actually the persons own social construction of their reality; their identity, their view of the world, all of the linguistic tricks that have been used to make sense of the world are shaken if not temporarily eradicated, then critiqued, and reconstructed after the reportedly ineffable experience.

So, anyone had one of those? I know from personal experience, if youre on this site, you most likely have.

Please describe as richly as you can, and focus on how your identity was transformed, and how you felt changed in general afterwards, in your own words and terminology.

Looking forward to hearing from you all!

 

[st.bot.32]

Sorry for the long, verbose post, but honestly, your question requires a detailed answer rather than an edited-for-tv sound bite.

My first acid trip brought out nearly forgotten memories from my early childhood, and they manifested themselves in a very unique way. I had been raised in a fundamentalist religion--and having slowly left it over a long period of time there were a lot of things inhibiting my ability to function socially in the real world. There were certain aspects of myself and my personality that I disliked, things I didn't even realize were still affecting me, as they were buried so deeply.

During my first trip these aspects of myself became greatly amplified to the point that they were actually visibly projected onto the people I was with. I started seeing in other people's movements and mannerisms things about myself that annoyed me, greatly exaggerated of course. And of course I began to see these things in myself also, and the fascinating thing is that I realized that all these visuals I was getting came directly from memories of my childhood. The way I had been treated by members of my family as a child, the way i had perceived others as a child, my own personal prejudices and negative self-image were all affecting me as an adult.

In other words, I realized that I was interpreting other people's behavior through my own hangups, my own personal filter on the world--and it was one that needed to change! It also pointed towards very specific aspects of myself and specific memories that I needed to come to terms with. I needed to accept myself if I was going to be accepting of others. Understanding this was the first step on a long road in dealing with these issues. (While sober of course.)

After taking LSD a couple more times I became far more comfortable with myself and more accepting of others. It was a huge healing force in my life. Not to mention giving me tons of new creative ideas during a quite stagnant artistic period--enough new ideas in a few trips to keep me busy for years. The changes in me were enough that friends commented on them--I seemed so much more confident in my skin apparently. Directly after each of those trips I felt a long "afterglow"--a warm period lasting weeks where I felt super energized and creative and happy.

So in the end, the LSD itself didn't change me. It is the experience that changes you--not the drug. The drug is a "catalyst" that induces the experience, allowing you to delve deeply into your psyche, your memories, your perceptions. You are the one who chooses what you are going to get out of the experience, how you are going to interpret it and deal with it later.

As for a before and after period in my life--yes and no--I feel that LSD gave me a push to get back on track, a track that at some point I had fallen off. It is more accurate to say that I have this portion of my life where I realize that I had lost touch with myself somehow. And psychedelics, along with self-analysis in general, as well as having been blessed with great friends, all played a part in getting me out of a depressing rut I had fallen into. LSD was beneficial in that I got insights from it I might never have otherwise--things buried down so deeply that I didn't even know to look for them.

 

[Psychoid]

If I haven't posted anything here in 5 days, PM me, it means I have forgotten this thread. I'm too tired right now to answer properly.

 

[????????]

well for me it would be when I fasted for 3~4 days and then ate three blotters an hour or two after waking up. I thought about it for months and eventually decided I had to do one of those crazy doses. I felt I had done something dangerous, even though a part of me reassured me I was going to survive like all those guys' anecdotes I'd read in books and the internet. In retrospect I can see a rebellious young man, somewhat naive, but thankfully fairly prepared for the experience, in the ways you can actually prepare for things like this.

I always think of it -- even while it happened -- as what a fly would feel like when it got too close to the incandescent glow of a lightbulb, not enough to burn, but almost as if. The metaphor goes with the mental imagery I couldn't avoid of blinding light that afternoon (why is that so common?). It certainly felt just like that, like I had somehow survived my own amazing paradoxical existence.

On the darker side of things, I basically felt insane for thinking I had an idea of what I got myself into (how arrogant of me!). This is the part where the mind's voice turns against me and starts with the questions. This are the roughest memories of that day but that questioning I'm very thankful for, oddly enough, one usually doesn't get to be so clear and direct to oneself. I basically asked why I needed to do this, hadn't I enough with my life that I needed to partake in such defiant endeavors. I was seriously in awe of how could I put myself through all this, disregarding my own life and carelessly amusing myself with such powerful forces. Because when I peaked I felt like all my life was this insignificant excuse. I didn't thought this in self-pity, rather in complete disregard for ???????? and all the other puny humans. This was because I felt like some summoned ancient entity on a higher plane of existence, so what I wanted to do was to exploit my brief time here and participate on something enjoyable. I felt like that NIN song, I wanted to fuck everyone in the world, wanted to do something that mattered! of course I couldn't for the life of me decide what was I wanted to do, because the possibilities were endless. It's nice to feel you can do anything but it gets absolutely tiresome to be in that level of intensity for prolonged times. At night I got urges to tell all the people in my house to get out (I know myself and I wouldn't be capable of that). I noticed I felt contempt for some people and every conversation was a waste in a funny/fake way or so incredibly deep it escaped description. I also had death wishes, the ultimate all-reliable escape from agony I guess. I wanted to see death in the eyes. Luckily, this infatuation is no longer felt as of this post, not in the life-threatening way, at least, I'm still looking forward to it but I'm in no hurry.

I think a so called transformation occurred but this was no magically induced event, rather a long road of trial and error and information absorbance that was helped very much by the experience. What I find remarkable is that I can still feel some of the energy in the form of being more secure about myself, in the way I was that day, when I felt as if I could do no wrong and everything that happened seemed to go effortlessly in tune with what came before it ad infinitum. I can tap into that mindstate and get optimistic about anything.

It seems we psychonuts love to tell the big tale and just need the proper encouragement to spill our guts out

 

[UnityofOpposites]

Wow I really appreciate the highly descriptive reports and will definately use these. And I totally know what you mean by the mind turning against you, I experienced that once, which led up to What's often called "ego-death".

Speaking of which, anyone had that experience?

In The Varieties of Psychedelic Experience by Masters and Johnson, four levels of depth in the experience are discussed: the sensory (everyone has this more or less), the analytical (dealing with personal psychological issues, childhood, etc.), the mythical or symbolic (people often experience embodie archetypes, primitive rituals they had no previous knowledge of), and finally the mystical, culminating in what basically seems to be identical to or nearly identical to a primary mystical experience. Normally one proceeds from one of these stages to the next, goes back and forth between them, and the deeper the stage the less people reach it. While my study focusses on the mystical experience, I am also taking all stages into consideration in regards to their transformative-ness, as all, I feel, are transformative in some way. I also feel, however, that they are increasingly more transformative, the deeper one goes.
But the feedback on how it wasn't the experience itself but what you did with it afterwards is great, definately an important point I think.

Keep 'em comin'!

 

[st.bot.32]

Check out the "Ego Death" thread.. it's pretty long but towards the beginning there are a few of our stories. Before debate ultimately ensues :lol:

http://www.psychonaut.com/index.php?option=com_forum&Itemid=11&page=viewtopic&t=29182&lang=nl

 

[Psychoid]

So here is my report

Before I started experimenting with psychedelics, I was very shy, I wasn't sociable. I didn't like who I was, and the only thing I liked in life was videogames. I believed fucked up things that society wants us to believe, like that violence and war are necessary. My shyness came from the fact that I was afraid of showing who I really am because I was afraid people wouldn't like me. So I was kinda personality-less. A boring being.

My first ecstasy trips had a small influence on my shyness, as I realized how easy it is to communicate, and how it feels good. But when I was back to normal the difference wasn't very big. My first real transformative experience occurred when I decided to take an ecstasy pill alone. I also smoked a good amount of hash with it. At some point I was walking in the street, and I suddenly felt a kind opening in my mind, and I suddenly was brought to a state of extreme lucidity. I had the feeling I had the answer to EVERYTHING. I was able to analyse myself like I didn't think was possible. That night I learned a lot about myself, about my personality, about life in general. I also realized that, in opposition of what society makes us believe, violence is NEVER necessary, that violence is ALWAYS the bad choice, and that all that matters in life is LOVE. That was quite an ecstatic night.

Then after searching for quite some time, I finally found someone who could sell me shrooms. I then started experimenting with it. With shrooms I have learned to love myself, which is, I think, something primordial to be happy and to have a real loving relationship, cause how can you understand that someone else loves you if you don’t even love yourself? Shrooms have also taught me that it was absurd to keep myself from showing my real me just because I didn’t want other people not to like me, because:
1) People showed no interest in me because I was so personality-less, so I wasn’t helping myself
2) No matter what I did, it was impossible to be liked by everyone, no matter what I do there will always be someone to disagree.
3) If someone doesn’t like me, it doesn’t matter, it’s his problem, not mine.

So when I realized this and started to love myself, I have found the courage to start showing who I really am to other people, and this way people started showing more interest in me, I developed my social skills, which led to a happiness I had never known before. I finally felt like I was someone.

Shrooms have also made me notice things I had never noticed before. Very simple things that we overlook when in our normal state. I discovered immense beauty in things I considered normal and boring. They also got me closer to nature, made me realize the bad sides of civilisation, how humanity was gradually getting further from nature with time, and how it is bad.

Nowadays, I feel good with myself, love myself, love life, have become pretty easygoing. And I know it would be very different if I had never taken any psychedelic... I used to find myself pathetic, now I love myself and am proud of what I have become, and I owe a lot of this to psychedelics.

Sorry, english is not my first language, and since a lot of things would already be hard to explain in French (which is my first language), it is even harder in english… I could say more and be more precise if you could understand French.

If you want more information, feel free to PM me

 

[????????]

psychoid, I came to the same three conclusions

and I too thought of myself as a pathetic shell of a man... I refer to that as my former zombie self

feedback on how it wasn't the experience itself but what you did with it afterwards is great, definately an important point I think.

an important thing indeed, usually the ones who get the most out of it are the ones that already were in some path of self improvement

 

[IJesusChrist]

I had a very strong first trip on mushrooms... If you pm me I will give it to you (mine is quite negative and has alot of information)

Btw when I saw this I couldn't help but think when my friend did shrooms for the first time, he was left alone in his backyard and he got lost - and turned into a bear and he hybernated in his back yard. Sounds funny but he actually thought this was real lol... still kinda funny

 

[????????]

negative trips are the more rewarding in the long term

 

[somniferousalmondeyes]

Long story short, last day of "gathering of the vibes": been tripping, smoking, drinking, eating brownies for the last 5 days. Enjoying my favorite music acts every single night, going home (i live 10 minutes away from this annual fest), waking up, working, goin back to the vibes, repeat. The second to last day i relaxed, took it easy, ate brownies and smoked late into the night while Phill Lesh worked the crowd. Woke up at noon after a great nights sleep, went to the park with my gf, ate some bangin mushies, smoked all day and felt the most love for everyone and everything while spacing out to Derek Trucks Soul Stew Revival. Easily not be the most spiritual experience i've had, but by far the most comfortable, genuine, connected, and contented trip I've ever had. Really couldn't tell you why. Everything just felt like it was in it's right place in my life, and anything that wasn't would pass. Kindof a silly notion now that im looking back, but I loved every minute of it.

 

[somniferousalmondeyes]

negative trips are the more rewarding in the long term

agreed

 

[ophiuchus]

before taking any sort of psychedelic, i was a very depressed individual. i hated the majority of humans, and especially americans. i had recently become a devout atheist, so that is basically what catalyzed this hatred. i thought about killing myself many times, to escape the ingorance of this society, but i could never actually bring myself to attempt it. this, in turn, made me even more depressed. i still had friends, a small group of skaters, but i still somehow always felt and acted different from them, on the fringe of the group if you will.

one day after i had tried dxm, for lack of obtaining my first weed, and then later, after i'd been smoking weed for a good while, i decided to try something GNARLY.

to this day, i can't tell you what made me want to do it, i mean my friends asked me if i wanted to with them, but i was never a fool to peer pressure this of course, was LSD. i had always been brainwashed about it before and "knew" that it might be a dangerous idea. but i went forth anyways. hands down, it was the best experience of my life, taking two hits.

i had the best, most intense, purely blissful feeling radiating out of me, and gained a profound connection, not only with my friends, but with all humans. i realized that it wasn't their fault for being ignorant and decieved, as this was their upbringing, and there was little i could do to change it.

this feeling of connectedness stayed with me even after the experience, although not as profound. i realized that we are all connected, by a grand geometry, which i was able to visualize simply by closing my eyes, i realized the adaptations of all creatures, and how they came to be, humans included. i came to conclusion, that we ARE ALL interconnected. one massive indistinguishable force, which was manifested by energy, and space, perpetuated by time. we are ALL ONE BEING, the dirt, stone, planets gaseous stars, even the void of space, is not truely a void, it is a part of us. not as it is inside of us, but we are all inside of it, the grand architect.. not God, but still god. god as geometric design and creative design, and it has a will to continue and discover itself, which is conscious.

all of this was gifted to me in the blink of an eye, and since then i have never once had another suicidal thought, never have i hated an individual for who they are, nor carried and disdain for the society around me. and i tribute this all to LSD's ability to show me the true nature of things, to catalyze a spirituality in a certain sense, to enlighten me. phychedelics are things to be cherished, and although i have had what's called a "bad trip" many a time, in the long run i have always benefitted from it in many ways.

PRAISE EXISTENCE, AND THE REALIZATION OF IT

 

[????????]

nice

 

[Forkbender]

I lost the idea that I somehow needed to achieve the impossible. Veeeeeeeeeeery relaxing.

 

[ophiuchus]

nothing is possible, but not as in something is impossible :wink:

 

[IJesusChrist]

Well. Here goes. My story changes everytime I say it but I think it's because I still don't know what I learned.

I took shrooms, and it was a long night. I was going insane, couldn't sleep, and thought about killing myself. If I had had a gun, I would have. I felt like people were just shells, there was nothing behind them, and the more I thought about it, the more truthful it seemed. I realized that people are extremely predictable. They are just animals after all. I started going deeper and realized that an animal is nothing special either... it's just a biological computer, it may be more advanced than binary, but it's just stimuli and response.

Then I realized how I was just stimuli and response, how my conciousness was fake, and how I wasn't anything. Was this ego death? If it was, it contains the worst feeling I have ever encountered in my existance. As if you have nothing, you are alone, and no matter what you do, you cannot change that, you will always be alone.

I felt like that for a long time, the next two months after my trip were extreme, every night I had a hard time going to bed, and not going crazy. I would be suicidal, think irrationally, and when I was high, be completely insane - I would think my cats were telling my mom things, or that my mom was embodied in my cats, my father watching me... Was a horrible feeling and I knew I was going crazy.

I quit smoking for a while and a month or 2 after quitting decided to try again. The first night was euphoric, I felt blissful, I was writing all my thoughts down, I felt great, music was good, but I could feel the dreadfulness once in a while and respect it. So I tried it the next night, all I wrote down on the paper was "I'm going into this with a bad feeling, I hope I can cope" Then I wrote down something along the lines of "WTF IS GOD?" I remember believing that I was going blind, and I was actually not being able to see... it was odd, and scary.

Recently however (1 year 3 months later) I have coped with the re-occuring thoughts. However factual they may be, I have realized they do no good to think about (i.e. humans just being animals). I get a feeling in my head that I understand something subconciously, but my concious blocks it. I FEEL like I understand everything, but I can't let myself.

Besides that, I am much happier now, I don't have depressive boughts that last longer than 10 minutes. I went through a year of agony to reach this, but still don't completely understand. I quit weed, and am alot stronger with addiction and putting things down that I know I don't need. I'm a bit stronger psychologically.

That is all!
Thanks for reading.

 

[ophiuchus]

i have had a near identical thought process before...

"I took shrooms, and it was a long night. I was going insane, couldn't sleep, and thought about killing myself. If I had had a gun, I would have. I felt like people were just shells, there was nothing behind them, and the more I thought about it, the more truthful it seemed. I realized that people are extremely predictable. They are just animals after all. I started going deeper and realized that an animal is nothing special either... it's just a biological computer, it may be more advanced than binary, but it's just stimuli and response."

this happened to me after my "transformative experience". and with mushrooms instead of the acid i ate before.

only difference, i wasn't depressed, i just neutrally kinda felt like "ehhh, what if i feel like getting off this roller coaster ride(life)?" "what would happen if i died right now, would this image of everything cease? would my image of other people??" and many other similar thoughts

i didn't like the "lens" through which i was looking that night, didn't hate it, but just didn't really want to see what i was being shown at that point in time. (made me a little claustrophobic in a sense) i have to say the worst part is that the thoughts still stick around after... they'll always stick around, but that is true with any memory...

it's how you view them. they either have the weight of the world, or a grain of salt. it's tricky to change your view, but never impossible, it just may take you some time, and no matter what anyone says, only you can change it. for me, it took a bit of meditation, self discovery, and more acid... :lol:

but who knows if the same remedy will work for you, i cannot say either way...

there are other things out there to percieve that are much more beautiful than the thoughts you had that night. good luck, i hope you can shed that image for something more meaningful to you

 

[Brugmansia]

Back in days:

Nowadays:

 

[Brugmansia]

And so I staggered
The defractalisation of what I tried to deny
through contraction
and by putting a blind eye to what has always been my core.

And within the mist, I had to give myself
to what I had always frighted the most till then.

I flew flew flew deeper through the fields of infinity
On a weightless energy, as a naked sheet with no even a dot written on it yet. And in being nothing, my self lost it's I.

After the burst into pieces, the subtle existance of the very pure self in it's individual appearance. Detached from the sheltered I. And once regained, no longer being oppressed through it.