Awful first time MDMA experience

[Aussie]

I landed on this forum thread because I was doing a search on MDMA-related sadness. I read haikucigarette's vivid description of his experience with interest, as I have not yet been able to find many other such stories on the www.. Because of his honesty, and because I can't find anything like that online, I decided to contribute to this thread, in case what I have to say can find a response in anyone else. I notice that no-one has contributed to the thread since 2012, but someone might find this and it might be of interest to them.

Most posts around "ecstasy (MDMA) and depression" talk about the comedown, or the possible longterm side-effects. It would appear that feelings of sadness while actually rolling are rare. Despite this, this is what happened to me.

I have used ecstasy numerous times since it first emerged in the 80's, though not very often, i.e. once in a couple of years at most. Nearly every time the drug has been of good quality. (Once it had no effect at all, and all of us agreed that we had been ripped off by the dealer.) I never experienced any serious comedown afterwards, other than perhaps feeling a little tired and bleary maybe. The first few times I used it I had all the usual experiences of empathy, connectedness and euphoria.

However the last couple of times I have taken it were different. Since the experience was similar both times, but the second experience was only a two weeks ago, I shall focus on that second event.

In one sense I felt fine, and completely comfortable with what I was experiencing, but at the same time, what I was experiencing was a deep and (I might almost say) "cosmic" sadness, or grief, which seemed to totally envelop me. It felt like heartbreak.

Now I know that MDMA is psychoactive and later I was remembering how whatever you can conceive of or experience is still your creation, so perhaps it is a bit far-fetched to say I was experiencing anything outside of myself, i.e. the sadness of the world.

I wasn't catatonic with depression, or unable to function. In fact, on account of the drug, I felt quite well and in control. I was at a rather sedate party in a park and I found I could talk to people and feel deep love for them. (These other people were not rolling, nor did they know that I was.) However even as I was talking to them I could also sense their sadness and pain, their disappointments and losses.

The setting was beautiful - outdoors, lovely weather, beautiful scenery - but even though the sights and sounds were beautiful, they were also sad. People around me seemed superficially chasing after distracting highs, whether by pursuing career, sex, drugs, drink - whatever. It seemed to me that we, humanity, carry a deep sense of separation from everything and everyone. Of course I was also aware of the irony that I too was seeking some kind of relief from my normal waking state, so I don't say I wasn't part of this general scramble for distraction. I was with another friend who was also rolling but I did not mention my feelings to him. He seemed quite happy and in that state the last thing I wanted to do was disturb him or bring him down with my own melancholia.

On both occasions though, when I tried to describe my experience, no-one could relate to what I was saying. However (and here I think is the point, or the question) my feelings seemed and still seem legitimate. It is in many respects a tragic world. Loss, fatigue, disappointment are prevalent. Even the world's great religions have tried to deal with this, and many artists have tried to address it as well. I felt that the drug actually allowed me to relax enough to open me up to this side of reality.

What I can't understand is why more people don't experience this deep sadness. Is there something wrong with me? Am I perhaps of a more depressive nature than I have allowed myself to consciously see?

I still have three of those pills left and first thing I shall definitely buy a drug-testing kit to make sure it was indeed MDMA (though it certainly felt like it.) Then I intend to find a sympathetic and sensitive friend, and arrange the perfect setting for us to be together, and to take another dose, and this time more deeply explore these feelings of melancholia and depression. I have a sense that there may be something here for me to examine more carefully.

Comments welcome!

 

[Nieksas]

Well i tried mdma many times and only had this effect once , totally same as yours , man that trip was like having worst hangover of speed combined with self hatred

 

[Nieksas]

as i cannot create new threads i want to share my experience of mdma(hopefully it was mdma)

cope with me , english is not my primary langue

Well today my friend offered me some pills but he told me after them he was kinda depressed and had self-hatred feeling , cud not sleep for hours (even thought effect was long gone) i loughted at it and i said it's not possible as another friend of mine had really good trip on em

i did not eat anything at that day as i know my stomach can be really agressive after i take some pills

19:30 took one pill just to try it out if it was legit or not .
19:50 started to feel some kind of effect , my arms started to feel lighter , thought it was legit pills as i get same starting effect everytime
20:30 my stomach got really upset , i got burning throat feeling and i just want to puke even thought my stomach is totally empty but i still want to puke anything i do , kinda started to panic as i tried mdma many many times and this is first time i had sober mind but my body was just going crazy.
20:50 i feel like i hate my self , i dont really care about anything and i just want to leave house and go somewhere , anywhere i dont really care , just not to be alone , i look at mirror and my eyes are big as hell like from normal mdma but i dont feel good i really hate my self , i try to convince my friend to come over , and this throat burning is killing me
21:30 the feeling is still there but atleast i dont want to puke , i want to drink alot of water althought i sit at my room and everytime i take a glass of water , same second i want to puke it out , feeling is like having worst hangover of speed combined with burning throat
21:50dont want to puke anymore just my throat hurts ALOT , i tried to sleep but i cannot shut my eyes , feeling is like having really bad speed , tried to go to computer and turned up some music .
22:00i think music helped me as i feel a lot better,lighter,but still the self-hatred feeling is staying (only abit) and my throat still hurts as hell , took many different pills but i get this feeling only after this one
22:10as i listen to music(it helps alot) i try to convince myself it was only mind games and i only had this bad trip only because i was convinced i will have it (cuz my friend told me he had it)and now 22:17 i am sitting at my room not sure if i had bad trip only cuz of my mind ,cuz one friend had really good trip on them and another one said it was his worse(totally same as mine) , my body is still feeling kinda light my stomach is atleat normal now but throat is still killing me and water is not helping and i am not sure to pop another pill or just give back to my friend, i was hungry all day but now i dont even think about food , nor sleep (even thought i was really,REALLY tired after 12hrs shift) these 3 hours passed like minutes , and these last minutes i am writing is passing like second , i dont even notice how i already passed 1 hour music mix on my computer as i thought it was only few minutes

NOWi popped another pill and just going to go around my village ,as i feel really really claustrofobic right now and dont really care if something happends outside at this moment. will continue after i come back

 

[Nieksas]

came back , second pill worked miracles now as i opened my mind to fullest , found out its for sure not mdma but mescaline , when i understood how to enjoy it i trip my balls to the ground

 

[Anadrex]

i've done some three times in little doses, and every time i felt really really depressed before the peak
then when i was high it was like something was forcing me to be happy , so i let it go and i felt really fucking good, but i don't like the way it comes up( i don't know if come up is good english ? i'm french btw)
and i don't think i'll do some again

plus the next day i feel so dumb
but no hard comedown with these little doses so its okay , and it didnt last more than a day.

i don't think as you say that combining alcohol with this drug is appropriate, in fact, i think mixing alcohol with any drug is not safe anyway, but everybody lives the way he wants.

.well, take care!

 

[Trachel]

I've also had bad rolls on MDMA. I went to a rave on new year and had a terrible experience where the music sucked and I just ended up wandering around aimlessly. I saw all these kids sitting against walls wasted out of their minds then a voice in my head said, "What do you think their parents would think?"

Pretty much tanked my night.

 

[maskva]

Most posts around "ecstasy (MDMA) and depression" talk about the comedown, or the possible longterm side-effects. It would appear that feelings of sadness while actually rolling are rare. Despite this, this is what happened to me.

I've recently taken MDMA for the first time and had a similar experience to you. I know I didn't take a bad pill for a few reasons - they were in a batch a friend of mine had taken before and they were fine, another friend also took one on the same night and was fine and initially, I felt really good.

Some back story - about a week before this my boyfriend had broken up with me, very suddenly and unexpectedly, and he was basically the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with so I wasn't in a great place emotionally, but I wouldn't say on that night in particular I was overly sad. I also had a few horrible experiences in my childhood so during most of my teenage years, over the space of maybe 7 or so years, I was depressed and at one point or another was suicidal, but last 5 years, and in particular this last year with this new guy, I've been in a great place emotionally.

Anyway, so I took the pill along with a friend and felt the effects about 30 mins after I first took it, colours were brighter, i felt happier and lighter, and so we got up and made our way to the club and I want to say about 5 mins after I first felt the effects I just was overcome by this profound sadness. I've felt very sad before, but the way I felt that night on molly was up there in the top 3 saddest times of my life. I was sobbing, with my entire body, it was horrible, the feeling was horrible and because I was on molly all I wanted to do was talk, so I spent 3 hours telling my sad life story to a friend, who before that night I wouldn't have ordinarily considered very close.

I want to try it again, but I'm worried that I'm going to have a similar reaction and I don't want to. Keen to hear what you guys think

 

[maryjaneHAC]

MDMA is too intense and that shit can really fuck u up

 

[Ftwofintoxicatedbrain]

So I'm not a drug expert but I did do a lot of ecstacy back in 2011. To my extent of belief what you did was induce that bad trip in a number of ways. One never mix alcohol...sure you might be fine but why risk fucking with your trip. I never mixed alcohol and ecstacy. I mixed ecstacy with coke and vyvance and adderall but never alcohol. Also...ecstacy can be an amazing trip or a horrible one and it all depends on you and your mindset. I've always told people to trip in a comfortable setting with friends...at least the first time doing it so you know what it's like. Some of my best trips were at a house with 6or 7super close friends. Doesn't have to be a rave to feel like your in one. Just have a few guys a few girls some good music and some rave gloves and you can have a kick ass time. In my experience with ecstacy..it's been a while. But it is all a mindset thing. Kind of like your spiritual viewpoint on life...if you go into the trip either worried about the drug itself or worried about the thing your doing. In your case that party..you can very easily and very quickly set your self up for a bad trip. If you go somewhere tripping that you don't really want to go. You'll automatically start thinking negatively. And if you don't snap yourself out of the negative thinking you will quickly be consumed by it and your happy trip will turn into a nightmare. The best thing you can do is trip with a few friends and make sure to stay with them all night. If you start to slip it's easy for a friend to bring you back. Ecstacy is basically a trip that focuses on what you focus on. If you are at a party with a bunch of ppl your not comfortable with. Your probably going to convince yourself you shouldn't be there and you'll start to see all the negative things. However if your with a couple of good friends having the time of your life you will induce a positive trip. And if by chance you do start to slip it's easy for a friend to snap you out if it. They just goda pull you aside one and one look into your eyes and ask if your good...you can easily tell when someone starts to slip. Then you have a positive heart to heart. Usually pretty deep when your both rolling. And then you'll step right back into the positive feeling. You goda go Into a trip on ecstacy like you have the power to control the high. Your mind is the tool. So Instead of thinking..I'ma take this drug and get fucked up..you goda think I'ma use this drug to unlock all the happiness in my brain. And focus all night on that happiness. My best advice is to not put yourself in a chaotic environment with a bunch of random people. I probably tripped 100 times using 1000 pills over the course of 6 months back in 2011 and most of the time when I did it. I had a small group of friends. All super close. All rolling...or sometimes ppl hung out that were just smoking but they all had rolled at some point so they all knew how to boost it. Between light shows with rave gloves and vitamin c. You just Wana put yourself in a situation where you are comfortable and there's nothing to doubt. Your not in public where you goda pretend to be normal. Your just able to experience the fullness of the trip with your close friends. That's the best way in my opinion to do it. Sure a rave would be fun...but it's easy to lose ppl at a rave. And there's no where to sneak away either. I like to trip in a setting where I can be as loud as I want...but I can also just have a nice heart to heart with a friend. Shit one time we had guy girl guy girl guy girl a train of people giving eachother massages while tripping and the person standing in front doing light shows...if there's one thing to take from this....before taking ecstacy make sure you have a pair of rave light gloves...even if you suck at them you'll get better while taking the drug. And it is so much fun to play with them while your tripping balls. I used to trip sober people out with mine haha. Was a blast. Anyways hope this helps anyone on their future trips. I don't really fuck with it anymore in 2021 but I sure had a hell of a time taking it in 2011. I think I took so much back then that it just doesn't do much for me if I try to take it now...that or the shit is just weaker these days haha. 

I started my evening off by watching Fantastic Planet for the twentieth time with my roommates. Afterwards, we decided to head over to a friends' house and I picked up some beers. We kicked back in our friend's garage and played some beer pong for a few hours. We had planned to go to a rave at someone's house so me and two other friends had picked up some Molly earlier that day for the evening's exploits. After a few games of beer pong we all smoked a couple bowls and the few of us who planned on rolling went to the bathroom to parachute the stuff.

After I took the molly I played one more round of beer pong and by the time we headed out to the rave I had consumed approximately 5 beers so I was lightly drunk and a little stoned from the weed. The rave was about a ten minute walk from our friend's place and I was already starting to feel a little weird. I was stoked because I had never done Molly before and went into it with the mindset that it was a party drug and did not really respect its power at all. Up to this point I wasn't completely inexperienced with hallucinogens, but I was and still am quite the novice. Before this I had smoked salvia multiple times (with mindblowing results), journeyed on psilocybin mushrooms, morning glory seeds, amanitas muscarias, and a weak, barely noticeable quarter dose of sass (sp?) and had never had a negative experience on any of them, which is strange since it's apparently very easy to have a bad time with these substances.

When we finally arrived at the party, as soon as I stepped inside the house I felt a sense of mild discomfort. I ignored this and tried to take in the energy of the rave and enjoy myself. I still wasn't sure if the molly had taken effect but I was told it takes about 40 minutes and it had been over an hour. Why wasn't I feeling giddy, or giggly or cuddly? I suddenly realized that my friends were nowhere to be found and I got a little nervous. I didn't know anybody at this place and everyone was acting really strange. Guys were taking their shirts off and screaming and I was not feeling it at all.

The atmosphere was absolutely horrible at this point. The air was very thick, hot, and stuffy and I felt like I was starting to have trouble breathing. I then became intensely aware of the strobe light and other flashing colored lights and became very understanding of how people could have seizures from that sort of thing. I looked away and felt dizzy and incredibly unpleasant. I realized that I don't even much like techno/trance/electro anyway and the music was starting to bother me. I looked around for familiar faces and noticed a few of my friends in the crowd of people dancing and having a good time but I couldn't relate to their enthusiasm at all for some reason. I began doubting myself and an extreme case of self-loathing set in. I questioned if these people were really my friends. Thoughts like "What the fuck am I doing here?" and "What am I doing with my life?" entered my head. I realized that I had nothing in common with any of these people and felt a sense of unbelonging and total loneliness. At that instant I basically said "fuck this" and decided to leave. As I stepped outside I instantly felt a whole lot better but was still intent on just ditching that place. I slipped past a crowd of people and made my way to the sidewalk and just walked down it aimlessly.

I wasn't too familiar with the neighborhood but I didn't give a shit... about anything. Plus, going on long walks always calms me down. It was very chilly and windy that night and I was walking against the wind, which made things even worse. The plan was to walk home and just relax because I could not relax or enjoy myself in that atmosphere. It was on the walk home that the worst of my experience hit me like a ton of bricks. I was overcome by the most overwhelming depression I had ever experienced in my entire life. I considered jumping in front of moving traffic, I considered walking down the train tracks near my house, which is apparently a common place for muggings and people have been murdered there in the past during the wee hours of the morning where I live. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I felt insanely sorry for myself and was disappointed with how my life had turned out. The most vivid, surreal unhappiness imaginable. It was like every bad memory, regret, feeling of loneliness, and unhappy moment in my life that had been suppressed and pushed away had now suddenly all come bursting back to bite me in the ass. Note: I've never had any serious depression or emotional problems in my life up 'till then.

At one point I started bawling my eyes out like a little bitch, and I never cry. When I reached downtown familiarity set in and I knew how to get home from there. As I walked through downtown I scurried past loud drunken frat boys, belligerent homeless people, ugly prositutes screaming and cursing at people, sketchy ass tweakers, drug dealers, pimps, and I even walked by a bunch of cops, but I didn't care. If I was laughed at, picked on, beaten up, stabbed, accosted, or arrested I would not have cared at all. I'm a pretty apathetic person anyway, but I literally did not give a shit what happened to me.

When I arrived home I took a long piss and thought hard about everything in my life up to that point. I went into my living room, smoked a bowl, listened to some New Order and started feeling a lot better. My two friends who also rolled that evening came home and comforted me for having a shitty time. We decided to watch office space and smoke another bowl and it put me way more at ease. We ate some pasta and by this time it was about 5 in the morning and I decided to call it a night and went to bed. I rested pretty much all day the next day and woke up at around 5pm and still felt a little off.

I do not regret this experience as I felt that despite the intensely horrible time I had I felt like the event had cleansed my pallet so to speak, like I had sorted out a lot of shit in my mind or something. I think the combination of weed and alcohol did not do this drug any favors and in retrospect I wish I had taken the molly by itself instead of taking it with other substances. Just a heads up, I love the hell out of the mindfuck introspective feeling hallucinogens give me but was raped by a drug that 99% of people who take report being the most pleasant, euphoric experience ever. I guess it all depends on brain chemistry and, perhaps above all, setting? Has anyone else had similar experiences with MDMA? I understand that MDMA is known to cause prolonged depression afterwards but I've never heard of anyone experiencing depression while under the influence of it. Oddly enough, I didn't feel depressed afterwards, only during my trip.

First post, btw. Hello everyone.  

---

Well it's very easy to have a positive or a negative experience taking molly depending on your mindset..I don't have as much experience with Molly..like pure mdma as when I was experimenting with this drug I preferred ecstacy. Molly cut with some random drug. I felt it was more exciting than molly cuz ya never knew what it was cut with. But that aside I'll give my viewpoint based more on ecstacy than molly but still.. this drug will morf to what you think. If you go into it kind of depressed. It isn't going to make you feel happy. It's going to Intensify your sadness. However just because you get negative during a trip doesn't mean you have to stay that way. I have snapped many friends out of bad trips and I remember one time having a friend snap me out of one. I couldn't explain it but we were all in my friends backyard. And I just suddenly no longer felt...the happiness...just felt very blah and was about to start spinning a web of negativity in my head when my friend at the time looked over and saw what was happening by my facial expression...now the important thing here as the friend that's helping you...is not to try to fix the problem at hand...don't listen to the negative trippers bad thoughts and try to make sense of them or disagree..instead get the person tripping to focus on something else ..in my case my friend looked at me. Hugged me then leaned down towards the jacuzzi and put his hand in it and just kind of...felt the water..I know it sounds stupid but when tripping everything makes sense haha. You just goda find a way if you want to create a positive trip. To always keep the mind focused on good. Prepare your friends that your going to trip with for this before taking the drug. Make sure you have a buddy... basically the buddy system is the best way to trip on ecstacy..who wants to do it alone anyways. But if you have one friend you can rely on no matter what. Then you know if you get negative you just go to them and say hey! I'm feeling sad I need you to bring me back. At which point you can. Do anything to snap them out of it...rave gloves show...a massage for 5 mins on the shoulders...maybe look up at the sky and notice how many starz there are..there's so many beautiful things to focus on... especially when your tripping. You just goda focus on those things. Your in control of the way you feel on ecstacy. Ecstacy doesnt make you feel one way or the other, it Intensifies what you choose to feel. As long as you have a buddy system. And a good environment it's very easy to have positive trips every time. I tripped hundreds of times with thousands of pills over the course of 6 months back in 2011 and I never had a bad trip. Also I don't recommend mixing alcohol with it. Anything else...coke... adderall..just no alcohol. It can make it easy to get a bad trip. 

Most posts around "ecstasy (MDMA) and depression" talk about the  comedown, or the possible longterm side-effects. It would appear that  feelings of sadness while actually rolling are rare. Despite this, this  is what happened to me.

I've recently taken MDMA for the first time and had a similar experience to you. I know I didn't take a bad pill for a few reasons - they were in a batch a friend of mine had taken before and they were fine, another friend also took one on the same night and was fine and initially, I felt really good.

Some back story - about a week before this my boyfriend had broken up with me, very suddenly and unexpectedly, and he was basically the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with so I wasn't in a great place emotionally, but I wouldn't say on that night in particular I was overly sad. I also had a few horrible experiences in my childhood so during most of my teenage years, over the space of maybe 7 or so years, I was depressed and at one point or another was suicidal, but last 5 years, and in particular this last year with this new guy, I've been in a great place emotionally.

Anyway, so I took the pill along with a friend and felt the effects about 30 mins after I first took it, colours were brighter, i felt happier and lighter, and so we got up and made our way to the club and I want to say about 5 mins after I first felt the effects I just was overcome by this profound sadness. I've felt very sad before, but the way I felt that night on molly was up there in the top 3 saddest times of my life. I was sobbing, with my entire body, it was horrible, the feeling was horrible and because I was on molly all I wanted to do was talk, so I spent 3 hours telling my sad life story to a friend, who before that night I wouldn't have ordinarily considered very close.

I want to try it again, but I'm worried that I'm going to have a similar reaction and I don't want to. Keen to hear what you guys think

 

[Ftwofintoxicatedbrain]

Hahahaha I can relate to that I remember being unable to take a fucking piss when I was having a great trip...I'd feel like I'd have to pee and then I'd just stand there trying to force it for 30 mins before giving up...then usually an hour would go by and I'd try again. Had to be the most annoying part... contemplating if I really had to pee and my body just couldn't make it happen...or if I didn't have to go and my body was playing tricks on me hahaha. Either way it sucked. Other than that little detail it was all great though..you my one question to anyone here...does anyone know how to Fuck when your tripping? I've always wanted to try having sex on ecstacy. Never did it when I used to Fuck with the stuff...now I don't really party like that anymore but I do have a female friend willing to partake...have access to get it..the only problem I have is I can't fucking get hard when I take ecstacy. It makes me shrivel up to an embarrassing size haha. Any tips on how to get hard while taking ecstacy would be greatly appreciated

hej!

what i see in your story and makes me react: you ate? you pissed? are you SURE this was mdma? because i can't (and neither can everyone I know using MDMA) do those things while i'm on mdma.... :shock:
your bad trip sounds familiar, i had something quite close with mushrooms, but has absolutely nothing in common with my mdma trips (even if some of them were not that good: i already felt a bit anxious and sad,didn't enjoy the music so much... but not like this!)
i would suggest you try again mdma (make sure it's good shit). it's a pity you had such a bad experience when it can be sooooo good!

---

I don't know about enlightening trips on ecstacy...most of the times I had that kind of spiritual trip it was using either acid or shrooms. However I did take lots of ecstacy back in 2011. From about June 2011 to about November 2011...I probably ate 1000 pills not exaggerating.  We were doing it 2 to 3 times a week and taking bare minimum 3 hits to start the night.(and just a note, my first time every taking ecstacy was the start of the this 5 month period of time)..I remember one night taking 10 pills within an hour..I had a hell of a tolerance though from taking so many during that period of my life and wouldn't recommend such a high dose to others. I also at that time was getting my personal supply for free by selling to my close friends. So I always had more rolls in the car...you know how hard it is to let the come down happen when you have 50 more pills in your car...and at a time of my life when I was a kid and didn't really have any priorities. Let's just say it was a very heavy drug summer...but even though It sounds reckless as ever and I'm not sure how I survived...and came out level headed too haha. I'm not anymore insane than I was when I started the journey. And that summer has given me the will power to resist nowadays...I mean I went so hard with x back in 2011 that I'm not even really tempted by it now. Figured I experienced the fullness of it back then. And it would be almost impossible to create as good of a high now as it was. So I don't fuck with it anymore. Now I just smoke bud. But I wanted to post here to say...I don't feel like an idiot with a million holes in my brain...I'm sure there's some negative effects but I really think the holes in your brain idea is a load of crap intended to scare people away from taking it. Because if that were true..my brain by now would have absolutely no function. With the amount of ecstacy pills I ingested back then haha. 

to my knowledge, MDMA is a substance that is best used only a limited number of times by each individual due to its harsh effects on the body. My advice would be to choose the most valuable times possible to do this substance. I have never taken the substance, though I was offered the chance several times. I have some friends who have taken it, one of which did so about 5 to 6 times, and had no permanent adverse effects. The other did it for many months, once or twice a week, and I noticed that she isn't as coherent as she once was.

correct me if I happen to be wrong, or just give some of your own input... I'm always up for learning. Has anyone had any truly enlightening experiences on this substance?