Unknown hate residing within.

[Markov]

So I found myself at a party, really wild one actually. My friends all decide to take some acid we had. I know that set and setting is important, and for alot of reasons I know it to be true now.

I never have lost control like I did last night. I have had many successful acid trips, and I am always happy, loving, and caring. But something last night awakened a demon within me that I did not know I contained.

I have never felt like I did that night. Like I could get away with anything and do anything I wanted, but the only thoughts in my mind were of hate, anger and rage. I felt a deep resentment for myself, that I have never felt before. And I do not know where it came from. I felt as if I were dead, or needed to die, to end these endless loops of chaos and craziness.

I was not expecting these feelings at all, nor do I have any idea where they were dug up from. I can barely recollect my actions, but I was out of control, nearly ready to fight my best freinds. I will never do psychedelics in a rave/festival setting again, Ive had a two really bad experiences with it now, and have proven to myself that I am not sane to be in public while under the influence of this drug.

I know it isnt much, but this all just recently happened, and I dont know where else to express my concerns with my mind, where I might be listened and heard.

What should I do to straighten myself out? I feel as if I lack focus, and am pushing my reality as far away as possible. I am, of course, laying off the drugs for a while until I figure out where this anger stems from. But that's where I am confused, I have no idea where that side of me came from. I felt like an entirely different person, my thoughts were not even tracked the same. I have no idea at all where that kind of hatred for myself and all others stemmed from. Any thoughts? I just need to chat with someone really.

 

[????????]

you are the only one who can know where this is coming from, you've got to be honest and confront yourself. psychedelics can open shit you've got very deep in yourself, from several years ago. although when you say you don't remember much of what you did you remind me of a friend who on his first trip went pretty much insane because he (later explained) did not feel in normal, waking reality (like it was too much for him, the bizarreness of it all) and so he thought he was dreaming! the bummer was that he wanted to wake up... since he couldn't he started to feel like in a nightmare and we had to wrestle him to keep him still so he would not hurt someone.

 

[Markov]

That's very similar to what I was experiencing, however this is far off from my first trip.. I felt like I could create anything that I wanted to be true. And this filled me with a crazy fear, because the dreams I was having became a very dark natured event. Images of myself being violent, abusing, and demanding to be worshiped as a god. But what broke me in this was that I was able to perceive myself as not liking what I was unopened. I literally was convincing myself in moments that I was altering everything around me and preforming miracles of magic, this did not help as when I was in this mind-state the people trying to take care of me were becoming terribly confused as to my actions and intent. As was I.

Im not gonna lie, this whole experience has really just left me scared of myself. I have gained a new kind of respect/fear for LSD that I will not soon forget. I want to know how I can get over this crazy mind-state that I have discovered within myself, because it is not positive in any way.

 

[Forkbender]

Tough cookie. I think you need some time to process all of this. In the long run, it might be for the best that it came out. You might think "what the fuck just happened", but may realize in a few days/weeks that you feel better about life and yourself and the world than before. Just look at it with respect and try to be objective about the experience. Don't try to explain it away, but do ask yourself how it happened and were it came from. If you are totally honest to yourself, you will know and it will be a great victory for everyone.

Did you take any other drugs that night? (alcohol? stimulants?) What kind of mood were you in before you started?

Do you feel guilty or ashamed? Tired? Drained?

Was there a pattern in the things you were angry about? Were you aware of you being angry? And how did you feel about it? Did it make the feeling stronger?

 

[darkwolfunseen]

Definitely concur with all of the above. Another important thing to think about is that often times psychedelics can be extreme amplifiers. Although you were with your best friends, you may not have been having fun to begin with as to the amount of people around you. Therefore losing control of your mental shield could have amplified your feelings of disgust/hate for the location which eventually you projected onto everything around you. I honestly hate tripping around an unknown area or with more then a few people because it almost always brings on uncontrollable variables to the trip which in a sober mind I would not think twice about, but in a head full of acid would be a unnerving nightmare.

Honestly, I'd say don't blame the acid, more so recall how you felt prior to going, and what you felt when you got there. Most likely you'll recall something maybe being off about that night which will explain at least some of the hatred. And don't be so hard on yourself, everyone has cascading emotions, and even the nicest person has moments of anger and hate, it's just a byproduct of being human. Good luck, and happy tripping.

 

[BrainEater]

you're right! find someone with whom you can talk easily and with whom you don't feel like there's pressure on you. approach the unknown hate with respect towards yourself, but with curiosity and an open mind!111111 and don't hate yourself or others for hating yourself or others, love yourself for that, in order to get more clarity over yourself and what you perceive yourself to be.

peace & love :weedman:

 

[Markov]

Ok, as the haze has settled, I have been able to slightly recollect more of this experience.

My only problem with finding a trusted friend to talk to about this, is that if I even begin to talk to one of them about this kind of stuff, they immediately write me off as crazy. Sadly, most all of my friends have very little interest in the psychonautical side of things, and instead of understanding why I would want to dwell on such issues as me freaking out at a party, they push the idea of forgive and forget and its all in the drugs. Unfortunately (or fortunately, you decide), I cannot do that. In my opinion, this is a pretty serious issue of my sanity and well being, and why I am the way I am. One person, who does share a moderate interest in psychonautics, told me that he thinks I am thinking way too much while in the party setting, and that I need to 'relax on the meaning of life and let go to having a good time'. Which is probably alot of truth, for reasons I will state below.

To answer some of the questions that have been posed, I had only ingested a small to moderate amount of LSD, and water. Nothing else at all. This may have been part of the problem, as I had not even had food since early in the morning.

There didn’t seem to be a pattern in my anger, more so than a blatant disdain for everyone around me. I suppose I could even express it as resentment. It was like I was upset with them all because they did not understand what I was saying to them. However, I will admit, I was speaking crazy talk about the prophets, end of the world, the corruption of mankind, the place of man amongst god and all that is, and all sorts of other thoughts that were running rampant through my head.

At the time, I will say that it didn’t even really feel as much of anger, as frustration. I could not get my point across to people clearly, and that made me even more frustrated.

Looking back on the way I behaved, I will say I feel terribly guilty and ashamed. I have been told by the people there that it wasn’t a big deal, and they are just glad I am not insane and am back to reality, and have been reaffirmed that they love me even if I am crazy. But nonetheless, nobody wants to be the bugged out tripping kid at the party.

Right now, I just want to thank everyone for your input. I will be back soon once I have placed some of the pieces of my puzzle in order. But right now, I still need to find all the pieces.

 

[atypical]

yeah man this requires deep meditation and sobriety for you to figure out, because i could start pseudo-psychologically analyzing what youve told me but i dont feel its appropriate as you are not an intimate friend that ive known forever. for me at least though when im tryhing to discover the source of a negative subconcious pattern the answer is never in the loop itself, you have to find the backwater shitspawn thats causing the malfunctioning eddy to be created in the river thats your brain..
hmm helpful or nonsensical?

 

[Jahvisions]

Are you sure it was LSD and not DOM or something?

 

[Markov]

The experience itself felt very much like LSD, compared to my experience. I belive it was inside my head that is nutty, not bad drugs.

 

[DaZeD]

Yes, iv'e been there, the psychotic fairytales on acid.

I had my ass kicked by LSD a few months ago, i met my darkest (blackest) inner self, and it was projected on other people, so everyone was just plain evil, and all out to kill me, the problem is, you can't understand that it's not real at the time, it is the only true reality, even if you know it's not real, the you think it's some kind of a dream, the confusion is so big that you think everything is possible, i now understand why some people think they can fly on acid.

Although, it could've been just bad acid, cause others who took, the same blothers where also having hard times on it, the problem is that you don't know what's on that little paper.

The mind is extremely fragile, that's all i know for sure!

 

[Brugmansia]

However, I will admit, I was speaking crazy talk about the prophets, end of the wo-rld, the corruption of mankind, the place of man amongst god and all that is, and all sorts of other thoughts that were running rampant through my head.

At the time, I will say that it didn’t even really feel as much of anger, as frustration. I could not get my point across to people clearly, and that made me even more frustrated.

To be honest, I think you clearly made too much contraction, and didn't close your inner dialogue enough and right on time. Psychedelics, and especially LSD, have this "forcing" element of trying to break psychoanalytical boundries, but on the other hand there's life in the consciousness that whispers you to let go any constructed purpose. Now this is the ambiguous character of LSD where one can make a downfall into, I experienced this potential risk myself on half a milligram liquid even though I was in a very proper setting. But since my preperations were always elaborate, Acid seemed to be a guaranteed push into an heavenly trip, I never fully understood the terror experienced by a minority of it's users. But I have tasted this ''unprotected half" of LSD at this dose. It vanished when I closed my inner conversation. The trip on this dose was memorable, but I did realised that this setting was an absolute must.

The interaction you had is what I'd call duality, I don't know for how long it did last, but it's clearly not something you can erect for too long when tripping, it simply overloads the processor of your brain and once an electrical breakdown is reached, the negative energy expands vigorous. And this can even occur on a very small dose or with cannabis. In fact, it's not dose dependant at all.

But really, the rules and realities in our cognitive inner self are no different than those of the sober life, it may look like something new, and you may feel this urge to transmit the new holy founded wisdom into the sober reality. But that's much more the crave for a marked notion on your name that you'd think. I learned throughout the years that I have learned hardly any new information through the use of entheogens, it's just an everlasting translation of what I already knew.

That's the difference between a psychonaut/hippie and a shaman IMO, the shaman only embraces his inner lucidity, while the modern psychonaut and hippie is much more of an assertive creator. There's nothing better or worse, but it would have driven me insane if I was still analysing the divine, our world, the domains, the codes and constructs etc.

Tip, integrate the fact you spoke against the laxity of a trip, and keep in mind you have learned a lesson that may only bring goods in the future. Two worlds are the way to go, and never put one into another.

 

[Markov]

Thank you again for input, I have a few questions though, just to clear things up and make sure I am gettign your point.

integrate the fact you spoke against the laxity of a trip

By this, I assume you mean that I should realise that I need to prepare for the trip. I have made this observation, and have already begun to prepare my next trip properly (even though it is quite a ways off from now)

I think you clearly made too much contraction, and didn't close your inner dialogue enough and right on time.

Now this one you have sort of confused me a bit, I see it could mean a couple different things. Are you saying that I pulled too far into myself, instead of balancing the sober/awake world with my tripping/mental state? Because I belive this may very well be the case.

Also, if you do not mind terribly much, could you please explain further the idea of 'duality' to me?

 

[BrainEater]

duality is the intertwined existence of two interdependent forms of energy. it's a game of polarity and/or of bondage. it's obvious that such a game is being played either on the human "form of energy" as well as on "all other mostly earthly lifeforms"; as far as i know. supposedly it also being observed on much larger scales like galactical or cosmical...

 

[Brugmansia]

^

 

[IJesusChrist]

Your puzzle isn't a few peices. It's your life.

It's going to take time to realize what happened. Realization will come much after you feel better (which I hope you have already started feeling better).

You are in some ways lucky, some people go their entire life without confronting some of their deepest emotions. Not because they don't see it (or sometimes this may be true) but that they ignore it.

You have the chance to become greater now due to this experience, use it, and do not run from it.

I know you will.

 

[BrainEater]

i hate all of you!!!!!!!!! just had to let this out or it would eat me!!!!!!! honest hate really!!!!!! however it's still a mistery to me how my mind could bring out this elaborate feeling of hate towards almost everything!!!!! sigh!!! well fkn dualities init!!!! as if we couldn't have one without the other, but who says that?? and why do we believe that???

IJC can you look into the future?? or how else can you know it?? already been there???

 

[Crimzen]

the only kind of anger i can enjoy is primal rage
if enjoy is even the right word

i've had 2 bad trips only
the first was internally violent, like i felt as if i had become a psychopath, i hated my friends that were there tripping with me
i had visions and thoughts of killing them, cutting with a knife was the method...
since then i've been working through these thoughts and i've found a few answers that i was looking for
the 'afterglow' of the bad trip was a dark one, it was depressing and slow and sad and silent but it also helped me alot and gave me some previously unrecognised knowledge and wisdom, and also gave me a reference point
as it was the darkest i've ever felt, and i knew i could go further but it showed me potential
i saw my demons and wrestled with them for awhile
i feel as if i can beat them all in time
i feel like i've regained my inner warrior and this time hes not an egotist (i subconciously/partially conciously got rid of him for being outwardly ego driven)
so now i feel alot more healthy
tho still working thru it all, wading thru the swamp

 

[IJesusChrist]

IJC can you look into the future?? or how else can you know it?? already been there???

I see patterns. People are alot simpler than we are prone to believe.

 

[BrainEater]

word! it's all a matter of perspective! see thru the window from inside the house or from outside. your choice, from which side you wanna track the "red thread", doesn't matter, as it is supposedly based on free choice how to feel what you feel.