The final mystery!

[Demahdi]

The final challenge/mission/mystery

I remember coming to this board with a message to share. As I read my own posts I recall how much changed in such little notice. My message was about taking control over our own lives, but I went into extremes. It is no secret, the topic is still to be read and I feel embarrassed for coming out that strong. I remember before those extremes I was experimenting heavily with psychedelics. More then I ever did in the past, way down the rabbit hole. But I let go and I didn’t proceed. Carrying on without them seems as if my journey ended straight away. I felt I was on a mission and by talking to FinarFin I got reminded all over again. Is there a mission? If I was on a mission it was most definitely regaining my evolutionary path, which I strongly believe would all have been unravelled experimenting a little further.

I don’t know if any of you read the book “True Hallucinations” of Terence Mckenna? There is a chapter in it where he and his brother got into little experimenting themselves. They wanted to know what they experienced was real and to be “noticed” in the here and now. As Terence brother Denis sunk into a psychosis of harmala and mushrooms things got into extremes. Denis passed on a key in Terence’s hands which they both could see and touch. The key was of a book/box of them in the past. I don’t recall exactly it is a long time ago I read the book. But they themselves got so worried about it they stopped the experiment.
I understand their fear but Terence kept receiving the thought things would be alright and they just had to carry on given the opportunity. But Denise himself wasn’t sure and their sitters got so worried they stopped, get a check up and went home.

I had a similar experience going on trips with a pause of 2 weeks for months on a row. It was guiding me, leading me. And man it was good. I had a real bad trip but it felt of that it was just more then a bad trip. I realize how little is known in this psychedelic field, it might be our final mystery in life. I read about ego deaths and I read about sexual experiences. I can relate. But could this be stages we pass? You start with laughters, you start having visuals, you start getting to know emotions from a neutral perspective, you start to wonder if someone is communicating with you, you are giving an objective view about anything you wonder off, your ego is neutralized for a while, you want this for all mankind to be, you provoke, it comes out, and then what? Did I just hit a button of the unknown? I mean isn’t that our final challenge, our final mission? To unravel how deep this rabbit hole truly is? But who has the balls to jump in that deep without fearing insanity?

I know this might not make sense, but it’ll progress as we go along. I aspire each and every psychonaut to participate, for this is might be our final challenge, our final mission in life.
The final mystery, what are we communicating with? (if you know what I mean)

 

[Finarfin]

I think it is our inner world that reveals itself to us when we use psychedelics. The native people who practice shamanism all say there are spirits we can communicate with.

Personally i love the mystery. I think it is like dreams. What is it we see in dreams what do we communicate with when we dream?
I think it all comes from inside and humans maybe much more them they think they are. I think it is part of us and we are part of it.
I do not think we will find an answer to the mystery any time soon. All we have is theory,s. There is still much to discover.

 

[Demahdi]

But I am so caught in duality. For instance, you want this for all mankind to be.
But I would never allow my loved ones to take it, you see how paradoxal it is. We did not figure this out yet, we do not understand the full powers of this. Or people who do aren’t coming out? Honestly, I am chicken shit scared for what has happened to me and I learned to shut it off. But it keeps urging me there is unfinished business. Another duality because I am surrounded with people who taught me these substances are nothing constructive. I started to quit smoking cannabis. Soon I will stop smoking nicotine. These are things the mushrooms told me as well. When I was scared of dying they said: Oh now you are scared? You fill your body with all these poisons but now with us you are worried about dying? We are eternal life Then they made me feel my lungs as if they were bionical machines whom were in need of a clean up. It insisted me to take an effort and come clean with myself.

I remember them saying: Do you think you could’ve done this without me?
They asked me this after I had the most amazing sexual experience. After it asked me that, my girlfriend walked into the room and her hair was fully static charged. I became aware of the fact the entire room was filled of this energy and you could smell it like you would put on a sweater that is electrically charged. She saw and smelled it too and was the entire experiment sober. That’s where I got really intrigued and I just had to provoke this “thought in my head”. Weeks passed by and we had the most wonderful weeks. We were on a road to success, I just felt it, but again, I was surrounded by people whom did not see the light in it. We didn’t bother and let it all pass by and as time passed by, down the rabbit hole I went. Not shy at all, complete wide open and it could do whatever it took as for as I was concerned. I remember instinctively “bow” and say: master come inside of me. I am not sure if I should regret this, or be thankful. But it did come out strong. I was compelled to lay my hands on my girlfriend and as I did I saw life forces flowing all over the place now, I saw her “aura” and it was captivated by all sorts of ideologies, maybe a bit to personal. As I started to observe this energyflows I became aware of 3 lightorbs. They were just at the wall, doing nothing specific. But in the corner there was a very dark shade, I look astonished at it and it is doing all it can to press itself in the corner. Now a bag in that corner moves. We are confused and we shake it off with the idea it was just gravity. Now this box of appeljuice falls and the juice moves, stops, moves again. This is the first time I come out with this. So it really got our attention now and I am so in shock and awe I take off my hands and as I do and resist it comes on really strong now. I see fungi like plants rising next to me and the minister of war (at that time) of my country is riding them! Like a wild cowboy taming this “other world”. I am now surrounded by plantlike fungi moving very slowly but being bothered by this man riding them. I get a strong feeling of authority and the fear is beginning to peak. I press my head in the pillow for this visuals come on too strong and now this wind starts blowing. It feels as if “spring” (veer) shoots off in my head and I hear a song now, jubel klinglade, and I see Anonymous dancing the waves, inviting me, … I ask my girlfriend: do you experience this too? But I see she is too confused. It made me clear there is no where to go, no where to hide, it is all at once . It takes over everything I experience and it is in everything now. I am overwhelmed, got sick and run out the room naked start puking and shitting the soul out of my body.
I call out my mom and tell her: mom I can’t close this box (pandora’s box I meant) anymore. It was like Mickey Mouse in Phantasia not being able to control his spell.
She knows instantly what is going on and starts talking to my girlfriend about calling the hospital. I was really into a deep psychosis and I tell them: Now I understand how Jesus must’ve felt! And I honestly did at that moment; I could see all our blind spots, our sins, our goodness, our worries, our prison, everything I needed to know had to be asked and I would get an answer that would make perfectly good sense to anyone at that moment listening to me. I comfort them I will be alright, it was just a passing stage to my peak. To be honest I thought I was never gonna come out of it!
The fear took control and I remember being put in bed and let the night pass. I fell asleep fighting images of red and fire. We wake up: wtf happened? Lol Ashamed because I am aware of what I did and say. But we are also aware now it was external as well. Was I deploying my mind/ego outside? It is the big mystery I dare not raft like I did before.

Now I wait more then 2 weeks to jump in, I think more then 3 months passed before I was able to take a subtle dose. I remember it coming up perfectly the way I asked it. Now it was all about me, about my choices, my consequences, … I see leaping “possibilities” over my head, like a puzzle. I had to think it and it would connect like a puzzle. The possibilities are endless and I am totally in control.
I had a little fight with my girlfriend; we never do normally given the circumstances. But in this “little fight” what was bottled up inside came out and was placed in perspective and that was a huge relieve falling of my shoulders. I become aware of all that I bottled up inside and I may need to let this all go.

Now before this experiment I broke up with my ex, moved back to my hometown, quitted my job and moved in with my parents for a while. While this experiment is going my father (mister conservative) keeps rambling on how stupid I am for giving up my job, for leaving it all behind, that I got involved into a new relationship way too fast, … I remember him mentioning my kids and I tell him in my artistic ways he should not go that far. I knew now who he was, what he did to us and my mother, so he should not come point his finger at me. He’s a drunk for all I’m concerned and that conservative nonsense has no influence on me whatsoever. We were about to move out anyway so we leave as we are kicked out. I was homeless for a short period of time. I may have lost my parents, but I gained so much more in that progress.
Now this is the part where it gets scary.
I go into medidation and I am wondered off in negativity and I can spiral my way through the field but this negativity keeps “catching” me. Given the circumstances, not that abnormal to not have a good day, huh?
Day after I get a phonecall he is hospitalized. Drank too much, smoked too much cigarettes, couldn’t get air, hearthproblems and he is in intensive care for a short while.
I didn’t visit him at all and I didn’t even bother to care how he was doing.
Weeks pass by and I wonder off in negativity again and day after I get another phonecall, this time my mom had a stroke. I call the hospital immediately and go to visit her. She is completely distorted from any sense of reality and is into a deep psychosis. I am amazed for she has always warned me these things to happen and now it is happening to her.
There is nobody around her to look after her, not even my father, not one brother of me.
I call them and tell them how serious it is and why nobody is there with her!
She is trying to put up a fight with the doctors now and I am coming in between. The doctors had no clue what happened to her, my father just dropped her off and left home!
He wasn’t there the day after and I start telling these doctors just as much is needed.
I remember me being so pissed off at my family for leaving her there without any concern. Wasn’t she there holding my fathers hand just a week ago? Where is he at now?
Anyway I am drifting off and what I wonder, are my thoughts responsible for this to happen? All they judged at me was inflected on themselves. I didn’t ask for it, but I was thinking extremely negative about them. Coincidental 2 in a row?

Now over a year has passed and I am still not grasping the whole of it. But I am only beginning to learn how powerful they may be.
So what is the reality of this all? Did the unknown presented itself to me? And what can I do to control to disturbance to arise out of it?
I hope there are more bizar stories out there, I have read about some, but they never come out clearly. I did now, and I did not go into details yet.

Can anyone relate to something similair?

 

[Demahdi]

I already regret given some specific details. I've let my girlfriend read what I wrote, and she said: you can't say it any different then that. It is like it was.
But I realize reading this like another person from a "sober" perspective, it just sounds unbelievable. To be honest I would've doubted my own sanity if I didn't had a sober person with me.

I have been considering writing a book " The Logos Speaks".
But it doesn't speak to me like it does on the mushroom. I can't get anywhere without my tools in this field.
It's not that I need them or can't live without them, It's just that I have lost a great deal of my inspiration.
And I know that if I would take a sufficient dose and bring myself in trance again with this "uknown" it would present itself again to me. But is there no other way ?
Is this "uknown" a creation I have "coaxed" into existence? Or was it always there waiting to be heard? It does make one wonder and I am left behind with a mystery which is only to be puzzeled out in my own mind.

 

[Demahdi]

I contacted Dennis Mckenna and the day after I am all like: OMFG I got an email from Mckenna!!!!!!!
I shared my story, asked him if the experience in the book was real and he asured me it was real and it still puzzles him till this day. I got homework from him to look into "through the gates of the Silver key." by H.P. Lovecraft.
I will read into it and share my insights here later.

 

[Finarfin]

@Demadhi
Man what a story you wrote. And what a difficult situation.
Many things where going through my head when i was reading what you wrote.
Good that you wrote an e mail to Dennis Mckenna. H.P Lovecraft was a science fiction and horror writer. I don,t know if you will find anything in that book. Remember that H.P Lovecraft is a writer of fictions and does not explain that much. But hey maybe there is something there.

As you know i also had dark and difficult experiences on mushrooms. For me it was like dying over and over again.
I had one difficult experience where i totally lost it. I never wrote a full report on this experience because it just is to private and i felt shamefull about it. I can totally understand why you do not want to share all the details.
I had 2 major difficult experiences on mushrooms. One was very difficult where i was totally lost and everything went wrong.
I did not end up in a hospital or anything, but it could have gone very wrong.

After this major bad experience, i did ayahuasca ceremonies in the Netherlands. These ceremonies where of a traditional shamanic type. I noticed how the build up of the ceremony and the shamanic music did something with the energy,s. It was directing the energy,s pushing it in all kind of ways.
The shamanic music as well as the prayers and healing techniques work with these energy,s.
A traditional shamanic ayahuasca ceremony is a healing and the shaman is the healer.

I also used mushrooms after these diffecult experiences. I think i have learned from these difficult experiences.

What you write about your family and your situation with your dad and you being homeles and all. It seems like it,s all mixed up in your experience with the mushroom.
And i get the feeling there may be much to resolve. I mean you need time to work things out in a way that works for you.

 

[AlbertZun]

I'm gonna buy myself a copy of “True Hallucinations” of Terence Mckenna right now....

 

[Demahdi]

You see now why it’s taken me so long to come out? And I already regret it. I’m not even mentioning things that happened to me sober on a level of “synchronicity”. It’s writing a UFO landed in my backyard knowing I didn’t made the shot. I know how unbelievable it sounds and how out of the ordinary it is. How it is totally not what you would expect to come out of it.
Looking back at it, it was “suicidal”. Dying over and over again sounds very familiar. But me looking for stuff like this to happen all my life, I just couldn’t resist to be a total devotee to what was happening. Increasing and increasing was the dumbest thing I’ve done and wondering off in astonishment giving in to the fear trying to grab what was happening was another dumb decision. There was really something going on and “present”. Alien would be the perfect description, though not alien from the flying saucers. Something omnipresent, something that is always there but while tripping I’m tuned in on its vibration.
I know today I was only shown a fraction and I like to know more of those who were shown “a fraction”. That did things they would normally never do ? Is it just me or could one be feeling during his mushrooms trips as if s/he is being initiated?

I had a conversation with people who drink ayahuasca and have singing rituals. It kind of makes sense that one vibration effects the other. But I may not like the vibe and if I get sick I don’t like a crowd. Ayahuasca does make one sicker then shrooms do.

Albert, do NOT take that book as a guideline. It contains dangerous combinations. If you’re not aware of them. Our Western mind has been flushed with all kinds of images and we absorb a million times more then people did in the past doing these things. Being confronted with this in the greater realm can really shake you up. It’s the play with fire and get burned situation here.

 

[Finarfin]

What you write sounds familiar to me. The feeling of being initiated. The increase of synchronicity. The feeling of being in contact with something or some vibe.

You write it was dumb of you to increase. I don,t think it was dumb. It is learning and you learn by falling and getting back on your feet. Just like learning to ride a bike.
From reading your post i get the impression that it,s the situation with your family and with you being homeless that makes things difficult.
I think you need to make peace with yourself and build a good foundation.
It,s important to have a good foundation and peace of mind.

 

[Demahdi]

It was outside the box and it was really dumb of me to give in to “increasing the vibe”.
When people like Terence advice high doses I just can’t believe they do that without warnings. My mind was just not ready. It was ready in a way, but in the subconscious level I had absorbed way too much negativity. I was also fading out a lot of problems and kept burying them underneath all kinds of bullshit. I could spend hours reading scientific reports escaping the mind on a screen and just fade it all out. I read books in matters of days and all went extremely fast. Absorbing absorbing and absorbing things to fade out my pain that once thinking about it, it would vortex into an infinite dark hole of pain sucking out all my life energy.

When I was in deep trance and saw this life forces and got astonished in this blackness at the corner, I don’t know what happened there. And to be honest, it felt horrifying. But I saw it taking all the energy lingering around and before it all happened my girlfriend started to cry and a huge things was about to be set loose but I wondered off. But again, it is very personal, though a detail I should not leave out. As I wondered off in astonishment I was doing all I could to resist and deny what just happened. In my high trip I was freaking out man! Denying this and a wind coming up stronger and stronger reminding me how it controls everything was the part where I ran out chicken shit.

In this awakening I am reminded how sjamans did healing sessions with chanting. Not all diseases are healed that easily. But can ideology be overcome with a higher vibration and change the “illusion” for something else? I read something about it in a book, and I am not sure anymore which book it was.
But overcoming it by specific frequencies should be something worth investing. Synchronicity is also something worth investing, but again, these are all books I need to read into.

This rabbit hole I jumped into has left me puzzled and dazed. Now I am out, I am very sure not to jump in that deep again any time soon. The way I feel now I will never jump in again. But it sure is a mystery that will keep me questioning of what the reality of it all was. Feels as if I was completely destroyed and have new things to investigate now.
Vibration and synchronicity.

Reading my protests over the last year has enlightened so much more. I should not jump into extremes this time but take it subtle and slow. Let the journey take me and don’t take the journey.

 

[Finarfin]

There are three important factors for taking psychedelics: set setting and dose. People like Terence Mckenna may advise high doses (5grams), i think there should be a warning. With a high dose there is bigger risk of having a difficult experience. I think people should be aware of this.

When about to take a high dose make sure you take good care of set and setting. A good setting is a place where you feel safe and without to much distractions. Don,t do a high dose on your own, have someone there to watch over you. Best is to have somebody with experience watching over you.

Also take care of the set. The set is your own mental and pysical state. Listen to your feelings and to your body.

I think what happened to you when you took a high dose is: your girlfriend did not know how to handle the situation because a lack of experience. The set (your mental state) was not in optimal condition, because of the negative and difficult things going on in your own private life. From what i read i get the impression there was a lot going on in your life, and you did not take your time to build a solid foundation for yourself.

I agree with you that the world at large has it,s problems (polution, war, refugees crazy ideology and fundamentalism)
I think that psychonautism is not about all the stuff that happens in the outside world. It is about exploring your own psyche your own inner world and inner transformation.

There are people like zezt for example who want to pull attention away from the self and away from the inner world and inner power. They write about conspiracy,s and about how we are controlled by elites and illuminaties.
Or people like Pinchbeck and even Mckenna who talked about 2012 and trancendental objects. I have a feeling that all this talk about 2012 illuminati elites and such are distractions. It is distracting us from where out attention should be. Our attention should be with our own lives and our own inner circle of friends and family and the people we deal with on a daily basis. Because the inner circle forms our foundation.

 

[Finarfin]

About our relationship with our parents and especially the fathers, it seems to be a theme that keeps coming up.
It,s not just your situation. I have heard many people and psychonauts who have or had a problematic relationship with there parents.
Our parents play a major role in who we (think) are and how we have become. It is an essential part of our psyche.
It is well know that parents who are alcoholic or who are divorced or who are verbally or physically abusive have a big impact on the development of there childeren. The bond between parent and child is something very strong and when something in this relationship is not right it can mess up lives of both parent and childeren. And a lot of what we learn from our parents we pass on to the next generation. It is like a chain reaction that only stops when there is someone in the family tree that decides to stop it and to resolve the problems.

~The relationship with my own dad is not that strong or close and sometimes a bit difficult. You may not be surprised that i also have my issues with my family. I have accepted my dad the way he is. Everybody has his problems. he is not perfect and my childhood was not perfect. But it,s what it is and it,s what i need to work with. I can not change the past i can not change my dad. What i can change is my self. And transformation begins from within i believe. Revolution comes from within. Inner revolution

 

[Demahdi]

Well, now you are pushing many buttons and it is hard to respond for me. I think we develop indeed a relationship with our inner self. It’s a journey through our inner “I”. But as I was in a partnership and becoming a devotee to my instinct, impulses, thoughts we came sort of one and we were in our role as human being. It was more then a religious experience and I honestly don’t know what to think of it.

I don’t know if the experience has anything to do with my parents or personal situation. It wasn’t affecting it before. And I was just putting my hands on my girlfriend and telling her to give in and she started to well up. I see waves of energy flowing from her aurafield, 3 lightorbs were at the wall and this blackness in the corner. If you ask my honest opinion about it, it might’ve been something harvesting this energy. I don’t know and I may never will. I also feel these 3 lightorbs were protecting us and those were the ones whom were praising us in previous trips. This darkness was the one coming out more honest then just being there.
And you thought Zezt was weird huh?

I will probably never find out the reality of it. Maybe it was my own mind playing tricks on me, but I don’t see how my girlfriends lack of experience could have anything to do with it. She experienced the bag and the applejuice herself, but didn’t experience a horror scene like I did in my head. I remember coming out of the toilet she was just laughing and I thought she had gone crazy like in the horror movies people start laughing of insanity. I started to puke a little more on the porch and as I begged it to leave me I got into another state of “awareness” and I could see it all free from ideology. What ideology does to us and what a prison it is to our evolution. I just can’t look at us anymore, I look different at everything and you shouldn’t be pushing the refugee button finarfin You know where that’s gonna lead us to….

 

[Demahdi]

and you shouldn’t be pushing the refugee button finarfin You know where that’s gonna lead us to….

Elephants and rooms.

 

[Finarfin]

You misunderstood what i wrote. I am not saying you experience what you did because of your relationship with your parents and the lack of experience of your girlfriend.
It,s the effect the experience had on you and how you dealt with it.

Shamans believe the world is full of spirits good spirits that can help you and angry spirits that may make people or animals sick.

(Edit)
What i was trying to say is that it,s more easy to let go and deal with a difficult experience when there is a good set and setting and a solid foundation. I am not saying that difficult or scary experience do not happen. They do happen and it,s hard sometimes to come to terms with. Having support and a solid foundation helps to intergrate the experience and to come to terms with it.

 

[Demahdi]

Aren't spirits, angels, demons and even God just words for a description we didn't figure out yet?
Has anyone ever tried to figure out what is happening once becoming aware something is fishy?

 

[Finarfin]

I think it,s about believe. The natives believe in spirits. Some people believe in god or in angels or demons. But i think you are right they are names for things that are mysterious and haven,t been figured out jet.

Many people have tried to figure it out. I do not think anybody has the true answer. Some people may believe they have the true answer but it,s still just believe.

This world is a mystery life itself is a mystery. We are a very small part of this gigantic universe i do not expect people to figure out what is going on any time soon.
I think we may learn from the native people, they have been communicating with this spirit world (just a name) for a long time.

 

[Demahdi]

Well, they've been poking into a field that isn't entangled by words. Our world is based on perception and words coming together into reality. They didn't have many words at the time.
This "other world" pulls you away from this perception and words and starts communicating through our feelings and visiuals.
You are into duality and maybe we need this duality all the time to create a center we refer to as a synthesis.

I think our world today has missed the synthesis of our inner self with the outer world. We fight our emotions and give into energies created by the outside world.
We didn't unravel our inner world into the outer, we really missed the train there.

In this universe there's a omnipresent energy I believe that is nuetral and our words and emotions haven't been synchronized to its fullest with it yet.
We give into other stuff that distracts us all too easy, and this distraction is a sound we get used to and we don't hear anymore over a short period of time. We start "singing" it ourselves until our children sing it.
We are in a cycle in need of consolidation where all kinds of new synthesis are born out of.
I wonder what it is that keeps backholding us :snakeman:

Seems as if this mystery is blured by religion.

 

[Sludge]

Stop double posting, this is against the forum rules. Thanks.

 

[Demahdi]

U can have it. I am leaving. Bye bye.