gammagoblin
Elfe Mécanique
- Inscrit
- 2/5/07
- Messages
- 420
Below is a story of my life, which I wanted to share with you. I assume you are all pretty openminded and I can just say things how they are.
I didn't know in which subform I had to put it so this must do...
About a year ago, after I had used LSD regularly for some while, some memories came back to me from my childhood.
They were memories of my mother french kissing with me and grabbing what's between my legs with this huge smile and strange tingling in her eyes.
At the time I didn't really know what to do with these memories and kept them for myself for about a year.
Until 3 month's ago when my father beat my mother at the dinertable with me sitting next to them. I had it with my parents from that point and I
decided to tell those memories to my three sisters (All at least 10 year older than me, so they haven't experienced my final years with my parents).
When I told them that a lot of other stuff about our childhood and our parents came back again and basically
I found out that accept for the material (giving food etc.) care my parents haven't been giving anything at all. No warmth, love, real interest in who I am.
And on top of that, all my childhood my father was continually angry with my mother, and she was always in tears and I had to make her feel better all my childhood.
Now, my mother also had a very bad childhood. Her father was a pedophile and she was raped by him at the age of 3, just like so many other children my grandfather knew.
This of course changed my mother greatly, eversince I know she always responded from fear. No matter what you said to her,
from that feeling came her response. And she acts like a little child,
if something happens or someone says something that she doesn't like she just instantly start crying for the hope the other's get
pity with her and she gets what she wants instead of dealing with it like a responsible adult.
On the top of that she wanted to get her satisfaction (egomasturbation) through her children.
Like "Look at my children! Look at how beautiful they are! Look at how good I am to have raised them!",
or when I was a child and I didn't want to go somewhere, because I was excited because it was a new situation (for example a school trip),
she said oowh if you don't wanna go you can stay with me. But when I look back at it now,
I think she did it because she was pleased to hear I would rather be with her than with my class,
while being with my class is the most natural thing to do.
But, on top of that she also crossed some sexual barriers with me. Not too extreme, but enough to leave an imprint.
Now that was my mother, here comes my father:
A silent man with full authority. For example, if I was laying in a couch watching tv and he came in the room he instantly claimed the couch and tv.
On top of that he had only eye for things HE wanted to do during HIS childhood but he couldn't do it because he was raised a fundamentalist christian
so he wanted me to do this things. (For example going to soccer, I didn't really care much but he pushed me so much I eventually joined). Or he had eye for my results at school. None at all about who I am or what I like to do.
But he always portray's himself like a very wise, spiritual man. But the other side I found out about him, is he likes to go to the hookers and as a child I found porn on his computer, my sisters found sextoys and playboy magazines in his room.
So I think that wise man he tries to be is just an escape from the real hurt man that's inside him. I don't know exactly what happened during his childhood but I have heard from him his wasn't exactly nice either.
So this were my parents, and now I know again that all my childhood I was embarassed by these figures, never really saw them as persons I was looking up to, always just doing what they said because they were my parents and I was obliged to do so.
But I still loved them very much so I tried to let them show their love to me but I never received it back.
For example: At diner we only talk about my grades at school, my mothers was bragging about how good she was in her work, and my father saying that life is hard. If we talk about school, and if at least one was grade was bad my father would keep insisting, asking, pushing until that one thing was fixed and a good grade.
And that's all he did, pushing me to do more. If I received an A+ and told it to him, he was like ah good, and have you fixed that other mark?
I hope I sketched a clear picture of the situation...
What it did to me was it shut me off of my feelings completely, I only lived in my head and thoughts,
and because all the other people (children at school etc.) did had contact with there feeling, like it's natural,
I was sort of shut off from them. Like on another frequency. I knew this all my life to a certain degree.
But there were things that would give you a feeling: drugs, and that's why I think I have ever since I was a child
I was always interested in drugs (I was 11 when I first heard about marijuana and mushrooms and instantly decided I wanted to use them, but long before, I don't know how old I was, maybe 8,
I imagined myself taking all sorts of things that would bring me in another state).
So when I was 13 I started using marijuana and alcohol regularly, when I was 15 I was using cannabis daily and started experimenting with all sorts of drugs.
I also used mushrooms from the first time then, and somehow it made me feel more social again and more in tune with life.
So since then I was only interested in mind altering drugs.
And eventually when the memories of my mother came when I was using LSD at 17th I came to the source of all the trouble I had when I was a child. My deepest thanks to LSD for that...
But anyway, after I told my 3 sisters about my mother crossing sexual barriers when I was a child we all agreed I had to move away from my parents. So from that point I stayed with my sisters and friends until 2 weeks ago and now I finally have a room I can call my own.
In those three month's I concentrated myself heavily on my feelings and exploring them, and everyone say's I have already changed a lot. I used LSD once in this situation, to see if it might help and it showed to me a feeling in my belly I hadn't experienced before,
just of being happy and doing what I like). So I guess I'll just have to learn to get into that feeling more.
Those three month's were really hectical and I was just going and going, but now I have stopped and I'm having trouble digesting this.
I mean what's more important in life than love and warmth, especially during childhood? alright I received love and warmth in the beginning of my life from my sisters but when I was 8 they were all moved away, and I guess parents are more important than siters..
Also, this must have left me with some very nasty thoughtpatterns that must be broken in order to be a good parent myself one day... I guess I still have quite a way to go.
Now, in order to help me my sisters advised me to see a psychologue (don't know if this is the correct word in english?) so I did, but he can't seem help me very much.
On the top of this all, I met a very beautiful and sweet girl while dealing with this all and she helped me, and we had a pretty good time and I loved her. But I told her this and she doesn't love me. This felt pretty much like the finishing blow to me.
I hope I made sence, my head is pretty chaotic right now, but I just wanted to share this with you all.
Comments & thoughts appreciated
I didn't know in which subform I had to put it so this must do...
About a year ago, after I had used LSD regularly for some while, some memories came back to me from my childhood.
They were memories of my mother french kissing with me and grabbing what's between my legs with this huge smile and strange tingling in her eyes.
At the time I didn't really know what to do with these memories and kept them for myself for about a year.
Until 3 month's ago when my father beat my mother at the dinertable with me sitting next to them. I had it with my parents from that point and I
decided to tell those memories to my three sisters (All at least 10 year older than me, so they haven't experienced my final years with my parents).
When I told them that a lot of other stuff about our childhood and our parents came back again and basically
I found out that accept for the material (giving food etc.) care my parents haven't been giving anything at all. No warmth, love, real interest in who I am.
And on top of that, all my childhood my father was continually angry with my mother, and she was always in tears and I had to make her feel better all my childhood.
Now, my mother also had a very bad childhood. Her father was a pedophile and she was raped by him at the age of 3, just like so many other children my grandfather knew.
This of course changed my mother greatly, eversince I know she always responded from fear. No matter what you said to her,
from that feeling came her response. And she acts like a little child,
if something happens or someone says something that she doesn't like she just instantly start crying for the hope the other's get
pity with her and she gets what she wants instead of dealing with it like a responsible adult.
On the top of that she wanted to get her satisfaction (egomasturbation) through her children.
Like "Look at my children! Look at how beautiful they are! Look at how good I am to have raised them!",
or when I was a child and I didn't want to go somewhere, because I was excited because it was a new situation (for example a school trip),
she said oowh if you don't wanna go you can stay with me. But when I look back at it now,
I think she did it because she was pleased to hear I would rather be with her than with my class,
while being with my class is the most natural thing to do.
But, on top of that she also crossed some sexual barriers with me. Not too extreme, but enough to leave an imprint.
Now that was my mother, here comes my father:
A silent man with full authority. For example, if I was laying in a couch watching tv and he came in the room he instantly claimed the couch and tv.
On top of that he had only eye for things HE wanted to do during HIS childhood but he couldn't do it because he was raised a fundamentalist christian
so he wanted me to do this things. (For example going to soccer, I didn't really care much but he pushed me so much I eventually joined). Or he had eye for my results at school. None at all about who I am or what I like to do.
But he always portray's himself like a very wise, spiritual man. But the other side I found out about him, is he likes to go to the hookers and as a child I found porn on his computer, my sisters found sextoys and playboy magazines in his room.
So I think that wise man he tries to be is just an escape from the real hurt man that's inside him. I don't know exactly what happened during his childhood but I have heard from him his wasn't exactly nice either.
So this were my parents, and now I know again that all my childhood I was embarassed by these figures, never really saw them as persons I was looking up to, always just doing what they said because they were my parents and I was obliged to do so.
But I still loved them very much so I tried to let them show their love to me but I never received it back.
For example: At diner we only talk about my grades at school, my mothers was bragging about how good she was in her work, and my father saying that life is hard. If we talk about school, and if at least one was grade was bad my father would keep insisting, asking, pushing until that one thing was fixed and a good grade.
And that's all he did, pushing me to do more. If I received an A+ and told it to him, he was like ah good, and have you fixed that other mark?
I hope I sketched a clear picture of the situation...
What it did to me was it shut me off of my feelings completely, I only lived in my head and thoughts,
and because all the other people (children at school etc.) did had contact with there feeling, like it's natural,
I was sort of shut off from them. Like on another frequency. I knew this all my life to a certain degree.
But there were things that would give you a feeling: drugs, and that's why I think I have ever since I was a child
I was always interested in drugs (I was 11 when I first heard about marijuana and mushrooms and instantly decided I wanted to use them, but long before, I don't know how old I was, maybe 8,
I imagined myself taking all sorts of things that would bring me in another state).
So when I was 13 I started using marijuana and alcohol regularly, when I was 15 I was using cannabis daily and started experimenting with all sorts of drugs.
I also used mushrooms from the first time then, and somehow it made me feel more social again and more in tune with life.
So since then I was only interested in mind altering drugs.
And eventually when the memories of my mother came when I was using LSD at 17th I came to the source of all the trouble I had when I was a child. My deepest thanks to LSD for that...
But anyway, after I told my 3 sisters about my mother crossing sexual barriers when I was a child we all agreed I had to move away from my parents. So from that point I stayed with my sisters and friends until 2 weeks ago and now I finally have a room I can call my own.
In those three month's I concentrated myself heavily on my feelings and exploring them, and everyone say's I have already changed a lot. I used LSD once in this situation, to see if it might help and it showed to me a feeling in my belly I hadn't experienced before,
just of being happy and doing what I like). So I guess I'll just have to learn to get into that feeling more.
Those three month's were really hectical and I was just going and going, but now I have stopped and I'm having trouble digesting this.
I mean what's more important in life than love and warmth, especially during childhood? alright I received love and warmth in the beginning of my life from my sisters but when I was 8 they were all moved away, and I guess parents are more important than siters..
Also, this must have left me with some very nasty thoughtpatterns that must be broken in order to be a good parent myself one day... I guess I still have quite a way to go.
Now, in order to help me my sisters advised me to see a psychologue (don't know if this is the correct word in english?) so I did, but he can't seem help me very much.
On the top of this all, I met a very beautiful and sweet girl while dealing with this all and she helped me, and we had a pretty good time and I loved her. But I told her this and she doesn't love me. This felt pretty much like the finishing blow to me.
I hope I made sence, my head is pretty chaotic right now, but I just wanted to share this with you all.
Comments & thoughts appreciated
