Hello
It pleases me to see still some people active on this forum from some years ago.
For some nostalgia now, i'm still from the time of God and Caduceus aswell as the very interesting Forkbender and other fellow psychonauts.
So hi to all of you!
But now into the topic that I decided to create.
It's been 9 years ago that I got smoked something containing THC. Seemed yesterday, but things seem to feel like that in life.
Anyway, at the time I remember I smoked hash. And I'd slowly and steadily enjoyed more and more to smoke it. As I smoked more and more. And more frequently. And after those 2 to 3 years I started noticing, while looking at myself, that I was addicted to the chemical and the effects it produced on my brain and body. I've always been a baked and lazy smoker. So when I smoked I became stoned as hell, and often would be very slow at doing everything. And often I would fall asleep if any activity such as watching movies and etc would take place.
It's also relevant to say that in that time I had some struggles with myself and my personal sexuality. And at the time I opened myself with a very good friend and embraced me and helped me anyway he could. And at the time I was very grateful to have someone with whom I could talk to and still get a hug and some warm advices. But that warmth didnt last long. Soon enough I started being suspicious of him (specially after smoking) and that he was telling everyone about my talk with him and my personal struggles.
That took Huge proportions inside my head and it was something that was very present in my days the whole time. (inside talk and trying to find flaws/patterns of behaviour that reinforced my own prespective on the matter at the time).
So my decision at the time , to ease my struggles and be more in peace was to stop smoking weed/hash and get away from everyone I that I knew who was connected to him. Since then I've been in and out with those people. And everytime I find one of them, they greet me well and tell me we should meet. But I always say "yeah maybe man.." but I never feel like hanging out with them at all, even though I really enjoy seeing them like that.
Nowadays I've very comfortable with who I am and with my sexuality , but being around them still makes me tense and very shy and be quiet.
Since then, whenever I try to smoke I get suspicious of everything and everyone.
If I smoke in an enviornment with people I just have to get away from there 9 out of 10 times and be alone with my eyes closed "tripping" inside my head and float away. If I smoke alone I start adressing all those issues and dont feel good about the way I acted and etc. Also reality seems to be too much, too much sharp and present for my perception. Physical reality becomes something of a void that I'm trapped in and I can't value anything, and dark thoughts rise.
There's also this person with who I'm having an affair , and with whom I have no reason at all to suspect her , unless in my own imagination and paranoid mind, I also get suspicious and paranoid when I smoke with her. Even though when she smokes she tells me everything is alright and she feels at Home with me and that I shouldn't worry. That is not enough for me when I'm high it seems. I get worried I'm boring, or that she wants to trap me or have some kind of doubts about who I am and is testing me all the time, and even have some kind of connection with my other friends, and ... well... and the story and paranoic storys go on and on, these endless patterns.
When I get sober, then everything is ok again.
She told me I shouldn't smoke, because it seems I have psychotic tendencies and a friend of her became a schizophrenic/psychotic from the same kind of pattern behaviour but for different reasons. So now he is on medication with some psychotic crysis now and again.
Well, now that I told an overview of the story, here's my questions and doubts.
I've known my kind of psychotic behaviour ever since I opened myself to that friend. And it's something that come and goes, even when I'm not high it can be triggered. But when I smoke I'm veryvery vulnerable to it.
But I also sense that my paranoid behaviour it's due to some fears of people doubting me or looking at me or not trusting me, which funny enough is exactly the way I feel about them, so I'm fearing something I am projecting out in/on to the world.
In a way I like that I go at these places and feel that and comfront myself with these issues so I'm challenged to what extent I know who I am and why I feel like that.
But I'm also afraid of becoming constantly on that frequency and not getting out.
Also something that worries me is that I've had very sharp and almost too serious dark thoughts about ending my life. i.e , seriously searching for the most effective and painless way to do it. And while thinking about it, I was definetly serious about it. At the time I think I would do it if I had the necessary equipment. Thankfully I hadn't.
It's very hard to control the dark side of myself, and it gets too intense and too out of my own reach when it rises. I fear that. And I fear that I lose all the people I love because of that.
But staying sober all the time feels like I'm also running away from that side that I feel it needs to be challenged so I can fully know myself.
Note: these doubts also apply to experimenting with psychedelics such as mushrooms, which has been always something I wanted to try since I first read about them. I've done salvia maybe 6 or 7 times and never struggled too much, just the usual crazyness it brings (visually). Recently I also had it, maybe 8 months ago and I felt very good looking at the sky and moutains and with the girlfriend I had at the time.
It's also something to not, the less people I have around me, the more sociable I can become. I don't feel so threatened I guess.
Last time I smoked , 2 or 3 days ago. It was a very soft high but I could feel all the darkness screaming up and trying to come out. But because I smoked only a little, it was very controlable. I remember I thought "Not to self: Don't smoke again!"
Feels good to post here again, even though I wish it was more of a insightfull post than one asking for advice and insight from your part.
Take care fellows
It pleases me to see still some people active on this forum from some years ago.
For some nostalgia now, i'm still from the time of God and Caduceus aswell as the very interesting Forkbender and other fellow psychonauts.
So hi to all of you!
But now into the topic that I decided to create.
It's been 9 years ago that I got smoked something containing THC. Seemed yesterday, but things seem to feel like that in life.
Anyway, at the time I remember I smoked hash. And I'd slowly and steadily enjoyed more and more to smoke it. As I smoked more and more. And more frequently. And after those 2 to 3 years I started noticing, while looking at myself, that I was addicted to the chemical and the effects it produced on my brain and body. I've always been a baked and lazy smoker. So when I smoked I became stoned as hell, and often would be very slow at doing everything. And often I would fall asleep if any activity such as watching movies and etc would take place.
It's also relevant to say that in that time I had some struggles with myself and my personal sexuality. And at the time I opened myself with a very good friend and embraced me and helped me anyway he could. And at the time I was very grateful to have someone with whom I could talk to and still get a hug and some warm advices. But that warmth didnt last long. Soon enough I started being suspicious of him (specially after smoking) and that he was telling everyone about my talk with him and my personal struggles.
That took Huge proportions inside my head and it was something that was very present in my days the whole time. (inside talk and trying to find flaws/patterns of behaviour that reinforced my own prespective on the matter at the time).
So my decision at the time , to ease my struggles and be more in peace was to stop smoking weed/hash and get away from everyone I that I knew who was connected to him. Since then I've been in and out with those people. And everytime I find one of them, they greet me well and tell me we should meet. But I always say "yeah maybe man.." but I never feel like hanging out with them at all, even though I really enjoy seeing them like that.
Nowadays I've very comfortable with who I am and with my sexuality , but being around them still makes me tense and very shy and be quiet.
Since then, whenever I try to smoke I get suspicious of everything and everyone.
If I smoke in an enviornment with people I just have to get away from there 9 out of 10 times and be alone with my eyes closed "tripping" inside my head and float away. If I smoke alone I start adressing all those issues and dont feel good about the way I acted and etc. Also reality seems to be too much, too much sharp and present for my perception. Physical reality becomes something of a void that I'm trapped in and I can't value anything, and dark thoughts rise.
There's also this person with who I'm having an affair , and with whom I have no reason at all to suspect her , unless in my own imagination and paranoid mind, I also get suspicious and paranoid when I smoke with her. Even though when she smokes she tells me everything is alright and she feels at Home with me and that I shouldn't worry. That is not enough for me when I'm high it seems. I get worried I'm boring, or that she wants to trap me or have some kind of doubts about who I am and is testing me all the time, and even have some kind of connection with my other friends, and ... well... and the story and paranoic storys go on and on, these endless patterns.
When I get sober, then everything is ok again.
She told me I shouldn't smoke, because it seems I have psychotic tendencies and a friend of her became a schizophrenic/psychotic from the same kind of pattern behaviour but for different reasons. So now he is on medication with some psychotic crysis now and again.
Well, now that I told an overview of the story, here's my questions and doubts.
I've known my kind of psychotic behaviour ever since I opened myself to that friend. And it's something that come and goes, even when I'm not high it can be triggered. But when I smoke I'm veryvery vulnerable to it.
But I also sense that my paranoid behaviour it's due to some fears of people doubting me or looking at me or not trusting me, which funny enough is exactly the way I feel about them, so I'm fearing something I am projecting out in/on to the world.
In a way I like that I go at these places and feel that and comfront myself with these issues so I'm challenged to what extent I know who I am and why I feel like that.
But I'm also afraid of becoming constantly on that frequency and not getting out.
Also something that worries me is that I've had very sharp and almost too serious dark thoughts about ending my life. i.e , seriously searching for the most effective and painless way to do it. And while thinking about it, I was definetly serious about it. At the time I think I would do it if I had the necessary equipment. Thankfully I hadn't.
It's very hard to control the dark side of myself, and it gets too intense and too out of my own reach when it rises. I fear that. And I fear that I lose all the people I love because of that.
But staying sober all the time feels like I'm also running away from that side that I feel it needs to be challenged so I can fully know myself.
Note: these doubts also apply to experimenting with psychedelics such as mushrooms, which has been always something I wanted to try since I first read about them. I've done salvia maybe 6 or 7 times and never struggled too much, just the usual crazyness it brings (visually). Recently I also had it, maybe 8 months ago and I felt very good looking at the sky and moutains and with the girlfriend I had at the time.
It's also something to not, the less people I have around me, the more sociable I can become. I don't feel so threatened I guess.
Last time I smoked , 2 or 3 days ago. It was a very soft high but I could feel all the darkness screaming up and trying to come out. But because I smoked only a little, it was very controlable. I remember I thought "Not to self: Don't smoke again!"
Feels good to post here again, even though I wish it was more of a insightfull post than one asking for advice and insight from your part.
Take care fellows
I hope shit is going a lot better for you today.
