Schizophrenia

[IJesusChrist]

The title may be misleading.

I will take another attempt at explaining my very odd personality disorder (also misleading).

This used to happen day to day, and I would wake up hoping that my first thought was not of what I am about to explain, now it seems the only way I can experience it again is if I try.

When I say "It" in this context, I am refering to a state of mind, and a feeling. "It" is very seperate and different than my normal state of mind.

Here is what happened 3 days ago while trying to meditate and reach this area in my mind;

I sat in bed and listened to some relaxing music. I slowly got into a hypnotic state and channeled my thoughts into the area of this odd state of mind. I cannot fully explain it when I am not in it, but it's possible to somewhat give a description. It usually starts out with a profound sense of opening the eyes metaphorically. I can literally feel my mind reaching to another level of consciousness. I no longer see life through my eyes, but rather I see it as an omnipotent point of view, almost as if I am seeing reality not in frame by frame, like we do normally, but that I am seeing it almost completely pan out. As if I have a bird's eye view of time. In this perception, in which people are just people - animals with wants and needs, I become fearful. I start to see purposes, actions and causes as... I would like to describe it as entities in themselves. These things that seem unrelated soon become related, as if everything were just one idea, one organism, one entity. For me this is very unnerving - I feel as if my purpose is stripped, as if my thoughts and ideas in the day-to-day life are foolish and blind, and that there is no reason to prolong my existance in such a state. I have tried to change, but just as the man who wishes to quit smoking, but is surrounded by smokers may find it many times harder than to be alone, or to be with others of the same intent.

Every trip I have ever encountered is completely absorbed in this idea and this state of mind. I find it hard to relate to other people while tripping, as they often speak of worldly matters, and even when they speak of purpose, it just doesn't seem to relate. I feel as if I am the only one who has ever seen the world this way... I don't know how I can make that assumption though, it's as if it is engrained it me that only I have had this type of vision, and that nobody else has the ability to see it.

So, I have wondered then, if it truly is something worth seeing - whether if what I am experiencing is even something important. There is a paradox that I am aware of; your mind can create a feeling of something important which is not actually important or even seperate from normal ideas.

Now, having said all of this, it fits quite well into early onset of schizophrenia. However usually there are alot more symptoms, and they become progressively worse, not progressively better. I don't feel as if I have magical powers, people are watching me (although paranoia used to be common), or that I am more important than others on a grand scale.

I seriously think I side-stepped becoming schizophrenic during my teen years, but I still have the thought patterns that had occured.

Now I lost my train of thought. Damnit.

 

[ophiuchus]

"In this perception, in which people are just people - animals with wants and needs, I become fearful. I start to see purposes, actions and causes as... I would like to describe it as entities in themselves."
"one idea, one organism, one entity"

this makes me think archetypes..

it's hard to just stand there and watch a train go full speed off a cliff... my anxiety came from wanting to help but simply not knowing how at the time. all of my efforts seemed fruitless, i even felt punished at times(my negative aspect at the time). keeping a good perspective on goals i think is very important. i will admit that i still carry uncertainties, especially in exactly how i want to help, but i think that it can be a good thing now, because i know now that if nothing else, i am at least pointed in a satisfactory direction.

"they often speak of worldly matters"

i noticed this too. there are some people i simply cannot talk to or stand listening to while tripping, because they cannot break their mind free from this train of thought at all...

it seems very important to see, before it's seen. but once it's seen, dwelling on it is only prolonging all the other processes at hand to be had.

i wouldn't call it a disorder, simply that you spawned on the middle of the fence and thus get to choose where you'd like to stand, should you want to at all

 

[_Avatar_]

Every trip I have ever encountered is completely absorbed in this idea and this state of mind. I find it hard to relate to other people while tripping, as they often speak of worldly matters, and even when they speak of purpose, it just doesn't seem to relate.

Does this also keep you from reading books by other people, between your trips?
Or are you mainly involved in philosophical contemplation, meditation and writing?

 

[IJesusChrist]

"Does this keep you from reading books between trips"

It used to, in the drought period I wouldn't be able to read other's thoughts, as they were seen as miniscule. It was frustrating, I just wanted someone to come to me and say, hey I see the same thing! It was odd, it still is odd.

I don't read other's philosophy at all, if I am reading it is very text-book oriented; I look for how math and science came to be, other's philosophy rarely strike a chord with me, especially books. Short quotes are marvelous,

"My country is the world, and my religion is to do good" - Thomas Paine

What really happened in that period is I saw that I was to be fruitless, as you said, and no matter what I did, it may help the now, but given an eternity, it would be meaningless. I couldn't get around this notion that no matter what action I take, given enough time, it falls short to nothing. I slowly came to terms with eternity as something we needn't think about, that the 'now' is where we live, and where we should wonder. Eternity is for the divine mind, which I don't hold.

Haveing such an agony and anxiety for the future I became extremely motivated to change. I just needed to change. Although my motivation was driven by guilt and negativity, it was for the better. I feel as if I may have lost my once intense motivation, and slowly settled to a "I'm ok with this" state of mind, although periodically unhappy with my future.

I feel as if I may have missed something, a chance to literally do what I needed to do. I wanted to revolutionize solar power, solar industry, so that we do not destroy ourselves, and that we may have more time... atleast thats how I looked at it. I no longer wanted to change to world's thought patterns - I just wanted the world to have a chance to change... I still feel as if we may be doomed, but that is for another discussion.

 

[_Avatar_]

I don't read other's philosophy at all, if I am reading it is very text-book oriented

I usually read one or two books between each trip, and so during each trip I've been contemplating different things (long ago it was Terence McKenna, then Alan Watts, then Michael Hoffman, Stan Grof, Thaddeus Golas, Jeremy Narby, Albert Hofmann, Tim Leary etc.). When you said that during each trip you would contemplate the same issue, it seemed to me you're not letting many external ideas in. This way you can get stuck in your own thought spirals. I definitely don't agree with all that McKenna and the others have written, but by regularly reading what others have concluded or speculated, my inner world (beliefs, ideas, feelings) is constantly being challenged and thus keeps changing.

What really happened in that period is I saw that I was to be fruitless, as you said, and no matter what I did, it may help the now, but given an eternity, it would be meaningless.

That depends. If you are temporary, then you may be right. But if you are eternal, then simply going through life has meaning, because every second of existence could potentially shape you into an improved version of yourself. I'm talking about reincarnation here, something I do not necessarily believe in, but cannot discard as impossible either. And even if you are temporary, DNA and life extend far into the future and any contribution you make now could be of use to life in the future (just like we benefit from the books written by now deceased people like Aldous Huxley). There's also a lot to be accomplished in these "insignificant" 50 years ahead of us: you could become an active agent overthrowing current governments and media giants, help end the war on drugs, or as you mentioned revolutionize solar power etc. Perhaps insignificant from the point of view of eternity or the divine mind, but quite significant in the here and now, which is all we have anyway.

I hope I'm not misunderstanding what you were trying to say. I know I might be sounding a bit preachy here.

 

[IJesusChrist]

It may be that I have to challenge my own ideas against others more - I am now neutrally stuck in the student day to day cycle, and don't plan on exploring deep perceptions for some time, maybe over the summer... I have kind of mentally moved these ideas of the infinite and the now seperate from one another.

I am not in need for reasoning, depressed, or 'lost' - but I was and I thought I would share that, as it is the reason I first came on this website, to try and find what the hell was going on in my head. I found the answers (some of them) myself, but speaking to many people helped, in many, many ways. (well typing).

I do wonder if it is foolish to think of one as the sole being, where as if stripped from the linearity of time, one easily sees that we are all one organism - that continually mutating strand of DNA. We are all from the same (or most probably) parent organism, yet we see ourselves as somewhat disconnected from our children and parents - but are we? Are we not simply them, mutations aside?

It's odd how time seems to hide the inner workings and gears of our reality, how our view points and frames seem to limit what is possible to perceive. One of the most inspiring pieces I have ever read (hmm I do read other's thoughts!) was Kurt Vonneguts slaughter house 5:

An alien comes to greet the main character, metaphorically. He explains to the main character that they do not see time as linear, but rather they see the beginning of their life and the end all at the same time, and are free to observe any part of it they would like at any point. He goes on to explain something:

"I was watching a movie, it was us, us soldiers. We were rebuilding cities, planting gardens in clusters, healing the wounded and magnetically taken bullets out from one another. Ressurections of the dead were numerous, things often went from ugly, to pristine and beautiful." (not a direct quote, but what I remember)

"It was watching the war I was in in reverse"

 

[Illegalsmile]

"It was watching the war I was in in reverse"

i love that book, then the planes suck up all the flames and rubble into bomb shaped containers and fly them back to bomb factories where they are dismantled into their original elements and minerals,buried into the earth where they came from and the whole world works over years to finally make adam and eve, a perfect human couple. so it goes

that book helped me see the symmetry in everything
and not to take things so seriously

 

[IJesusChrist]

thanks for adding that last bit.