Repressed memories?

[champ]

Hi. Female, late 30’s. I did a bit of research before undertaking my first SD experience, as I'm on a new health/spiritual path. My goal is to overcome a specific problem and I've read a number of accounts in which the insight gained by Sally can be helpful. Outside of former alcohol use I'm not a regular drug user but smoked some pot in college, dropped acid a couple times when younger, so I have some context. I was a bit fearful of the experience but felt it could be helpful. I had a trusted sitter (husband) and the first time took two hits of Purple Sticky Salvia 20x from the local head shop. I remember only bits and pieces, including the hysterical laughing, something about shopping in UK (I think? I’m American and have never been to Europe) then freaking out when my husband tried to touch me (I'd removed my pants, which I do not remember) but do recall a few memories of childhood abuse. Well, not the memories of them, really, just the “feeling

 

[buffachino]

Hmmm, your experience sounds interesting, and perhaps more therapeutic than a mystical trip, but this may be because of the physical connection you had with your husband at the time and or the nature of salvia itself.

Salvia, as I see it, gives us the opportunity to venture outside the confines of the physical body and the perception complex tied to this state, and translate our 'soul' if you will into other matter and merge with alien perception. Perhaps you were picking up on something spawning from your spouses mind rather than your own and even so, it sounds as if the lucidity and clarity of the experience is lost after you return to this world; this could be your ego shielding you from un-denounced truths or past experiences as you have said.
The human mind finds it extremely difficult to translate the manner and expanse of knowledge and felt experience one is subject to during both salvia or other psychedelic experience, yet salvia is unique in its ability to release your mind completely. This gives you the opportunity to travel throughout the matter-less world of infinity that is outside of our dreary day to day lives and the constricted view of the universe that culminates from this closed state of mind.

The difficulty and perhaps terror that these experiences seem to instil in you I would attribute to both the difficulty in understanding that your mind faces coupled with memories and products of your physical life that enter the trip as a result of you still being conscious and connected physically to and by your ego.

My advice would be to attempt to be more open and strive to go further and face these difficulties with insight and curiosity rather than fear. This will come out of experience and over time you will find better ways in which to focus and increase your understanding from these profound experiences.

Peace.

 

[docellis]

The Salvia you have is plenty strong enough so the quality's probably fine. Sounds like you're being challenged to work through some bad memories which can definitely be a part of these experiences. If it wasn't as "bad" the second time around, it will probably only get better. If not, maybe try smoking some non-extract or much lower strength Salvia and see what happens.

 

[champ]

Thanks very much for the insight, both of you. Quite helpful. I have much to learn and will carry on! Best to you.

 

[champ]

For those who are interested, I tried again. I'm a little reluctant to post this, as I don't want to scare anyone away from the many benefits of this wonderful plant but I'd be less than honest to say that my experience has been everything I'd hoped for (yet). I think buffachino nailed it in terms of this being a therapeutic experience. Thing is, I was shooting for spiritual. Dang.

I may be getting there, though. Third time: smoked it, only half as much, thinking maybe I'd be half as trippy and remember more? I have tremendous respect for this plant and am not taking any of this lightly. I meditated beforehand, had downloaded some really beautiful calming music and visualized a positive, healing experience. Candles were lit, setting was very nice, etc. My husband was still playing sitter, but I'm not sure he's getting it - is doing his best, though, he really is. I can't ask anyone else to help and I'm nervous about doing this alone.

After smoking one draw of the 20x (half as much) I quickly felt the familiar pulling down, then closed my eyes and out I went. I remember more colorful cartoon glimpses/me rolling, rolling into whatever was at play...but again that overwhelming feeling of being hurt, mouth stuffed, don't tell, in trouble, etc. etc. when I came to and I was absolutely sobbing, really upset and thinking/thought I said "how could you do that to a little girl?" Out loud my husband heard me ask something about a broom in the room and I remember a broom but have no idea what that was about. By then the details were gone. It's like that dream you just can't catch. All these memories have nothing to do with my reality as a child, at least as I remember. Then again, I remember very little of my childhood.

Honestly, this is NOT what I was/am interested in here and I didn't know until after this happened and searched it that Salvia could produce repressed memories. I’m not convinced this is what’s happening but the pattern seems weird to me. I’d just like to figure out how to get past this part, if that’s possible, I’m not willing to give up yet. Frankly, I've always been a bit suspicious of false memories implanted by shrinks--so there's some irony there. Even if there is some sort of suppressed sexual abuse in my past that I simply don't remember, I feel I'm strong enough psychologically to deal with it; I'm not one to dwell on that sort of thing, I’m not interested in exposing anyone or writing a book and I'm pretty big into forgiveness. Much more interested in moving on and focusing on the original goal, which was to use this herb medicinally to help overcome a drinking problem. I am on a spiritual path in which I feel I have gained quite a bit of enlightenment over the past couple of years. How I ended up with Saliva in my house is just plain bizarre - the soccer moms in my neighborhood wouldn’t believe this action - but it probably makes sense to any of you reading this.

BTW, I purchased salvia tincture and gave that a go as well, but I used such a conservative amount that it didn’t have any effect really.

Thanks for listening. I have ordered 6x to smoke as per what you said, docellis. It should be here in a few days. Maybe dosing is key! So much to learn. Thanks again.

M.

 

[thadivine]

I think Iboga or ayahuasca are many times used to face and especially work through suppressed memory and personal blockades. In the case of Iboga, it is also used to treat alcohol abuse. I am not sure about the legal state of these entheogens in america tough.

 

[kedabra]

remember more colorful cartoon glimpses/me rolling, rolling into whatever was at play...but again that overwhelming feeling of being hurt, mouth stuffed, don't tell, in trouble, etc. etc. when I came to and I was absolutely sobbing, really upset and thinking/thought I said "how could you do that to a little girl?"

I don't think you should assume that you are remembering an event which actually happened to you in your childhood.
personally i have found the nature of the experience to be very frightening and disorienting by its very nature. i may feel i am in an incomprehensible and childlike world in which i have no control, and also feel like i am being physically violated or broken apart. it can be hard to understand why you are being put throught the process that is occuring. however for me these reactions are only appropriate given the intensity of the experience.
personally i find it hard to get much personal therapeutic insight out of the experience so far, i havent had any memories of other places or times triggered.