Realizing life?

[BedOnStall]

Hey i have done mdma yesterday, and the experience was really different then the experiences i have had before.

I have written something and it's not a trip report but a reflection on my life, the experience i had was really profound and i have the feeling it has changed my life for ever, the only thing i hope is that i can hold on to this.

I'd really appreciate any comments.

Someway i've realized that the last few months i have been searching and trying out, neglecting the things I really desire. The comfort of habits, ascending to different states of consciousness and finding things that replace the absence of love. I was on a road to a place many have visited before and where many have settled, thinking this is the place they were really searching for, consuming, using, having it and letting it go again.

There is one thing everyone is looking for, and desperately grasp it when they can, happiness, why is this the one thing that would make the world such a better place and still is so hard to find? It seems inhonest, however you look at it, whatever you do, there has to be sadness where there is happiness, the different shades of colors in existence as we know it turns the world we are thrown in into a vibrant space of highs and lows in every way you look at it.

Most likely there have been a lot of times you have been hit with a deep profound sense of realizing where you actually are and what you have been longing for for so long, can you keep the feeling and realization into your normal sober life again and do something about it? Or does your normal sober mind return to the state of longing for the short feelings of enjoyment you would normally turn to in the way of habits?

As simple as it is, and as impossible it might seem we are all in control, we actually have the power to pick up on our life again and embrace our goals. I could cry for days knowing this now, the things that have bothered me so much and have restrained me so long to actually go and put effort into what i really need and long for. I have been looking into so many mind altering goodies, ultimately feeling as if this is the only way to actually enjoy myself. Comforting my sober self with the daily habits i have become so accustomed to. Neglecting those things i used to enjoy and live for from the depths of my own being. I have lost myself and i am looking for myself in places i have never been before.

Is this what happens to everyone when they begin realizing who they are? Is this what happens when you become an adult? Somehow i have the feeling it is something everyone experiences yet don't dare talking about. Somehow i have the feeling now i have to stop using mind altering substances all together and for ever. I have experienced what enlightenment is after a long road of depths and highs, and now i have to start living my life sober and experience life naturally and on my own strength.


I have had some really tough times in my life and i've missed allot of things in my youth some other people take for granted, somehow i blame the tough times for the things i mess up nowadays and make my life allot harder.

 

[BrainEater]

hey man i can totally relate! i used to and still use to imprint negativity on myself and others! i sometimes just don't seem to be able to stop it, as if i function automatically on some basic unconscious or subconscious level to which i lack a basic understanding, which shocked and still shocks me when i realize(d) this, as it meant i lacked understanding for myself and also others.
duality is pretty deep and until you realize this you are trapped in this craving for happiness and all that ...
and all that just because we mistake what WE ARE for who we THINK WE ARE and to all the "not real things" to what we attach this "impression" for who we perceive ourselves to be. i dunno it's fkn sick, but the underlying fakeness can always be faked more, i really think we just need to stop to trick ourselves with these energy-wasting thought- or emotional patterns.