HermesTrismegistus
Elfe Mécanique
- Inscrit
- 11/5/10
- Messages
- 344
I`m not sure if i had to share this story here, but i need to get rid of some thoughts to find peace with some bad news that i heard yesterday.
This is a long story that started years ago, my username was in those days Mysticwarrior. Maybe some do remember still remember me.
In those days i learned to know a friend, who's name was Bastiaan and he was a member of psychonaut. He lived very near to where i lived in the netherlands, so on a random day we decided to meet each other. We had the same interests, psychdelics, philosophy, conpiracy etc, so we had endless conversation about this subject and it didn't took long before we where really good friends.
Not long after i learned to know him better and better, we had some conversation when we drove in my car. Then all suddenly he started to say things that shocked me in a certain way. He was fascinated by conspiracy theory's, and told me that he was a afraid that any secret government forces where about to kill him because he would have known to much. I remember when i heared this thought, i was like WTF, no way man. It concerned me, he seemed to start losing him self conspiracy theory's. Altough i heard him speaking about all those theory's, i where almost always to skeptical about them.
In the period that followed all kinds of things started to fall apart in his life. He's mind was so focussed on these conspiracy's, that even his parents became a part of them. He told me they where narcists, and that they would try control his life forever. He where always talking about freeing his self from this control his parents seemed to have on him. He was pretty smart and clever, so i told him because he was already 18 years old, it would be better to move out house. Which he eventually did. He rented a room somewhere near his parets. And of course(that's what a lot parents do) they keept caring for him, which he felt as if they where a part of conspiracy.
I where a squatter in those days, and since i had a lot of experience in claiming the rights to live in empty house/building, which was legal in those days. I found a nice empty farm house a lot of miles away from his parents. Although i was worried a bit to much, because he would live there all alone and would have no one to talk to, but he was convinced it was the perfect spot for him to be. So after a lot of talks, we decided to squat the building. The break in is illegal, but as soon when you're in and replaced the lock, you have the right to claim a building when it was unused for more then a year.
We decided to enter the building at night, we broke in quite easily and replaced the lock. I noticed that bastiaan had a way to much tensions, i had squated houses with many other people before, but he seemed be the far most tensioned person i had ever seen before, during the squatting of a building. That night i saw a fear in his eyes what never had gone away.
It was during the time he lived there when he started to completely lose him self. Instead of the parent control conspiracy things became less, it started to become even worse. He made a plan to leave everything behind him and imigrate to another country so no one would find him. In the beginning i thought, well i had these thoughts to when i where still around the age of 18. So i never thougth anything crazy about it, untill he kept talking about it everytime i spoke him. I'll noticed how serious he was about it, and tried to tell him that maybe he interpreted somethings in the wrong way. And that if he would continue his plans he would probably would heart a lot of people, which seems to be awfull punishment for his parents and his familly. In my eyes, his parents where just worried about him, so they felt forced to help bastiaan which he couldn't admire.
Everytime i visited him during the time he lived there in that farm house, things became more and more strange. One day when i was visiting him, he told me to go outside with him, he walked into very small forrest behind his farmhouse. Then he pointed his finger on the ground, where i noticed there where two little weed plants growing which where about 15-20cm tall. I told him this was not really good place for them, they would never get light under the trees. Then we heard the sound of a helicopter, and all suddenly he looked as if he had seen a ghost. He pointed at it, and told me he was afraid they where flying there because he had hidden those two plants(no reason to do, since having plant outside your home is legal). I noticed that he became totally irrational and way to paranoia. Sometimes when i visited him on unexpected moment he turned into panic attack, and had a struggle to breath. I'll just ringed the bell, like any other visitor would do. He lived in constant fear of his own psychotic thoughts which where far from rational. He kept moaning about his parents, and i did anything i could to keep helping relativate his thoughts. He told me he was depressed, and since i noticed seen seeing his personality falling apart, i told him he maybe could use some serious mental help and visit a psychologist, which he eventually did. But after one visit, he came back and told me they where a part of the plot. I think the psychologist must have been worried because they tried to visit him at home, because he didn't response to any phonecalls or letters. I always tried to help him in any way i could, i always tried to invite him to look different to the situation he was in.
And trust me, he was very intelligent, maybe sometimes to. To me it was obivious he was in a sort of psychosis. He also used lots of psychedelic substances during that time/period. Money was big trouble for him and he wasn't able to do a fulltime job, he just couldn't handle it. So he started to investigate how he could extract dmt and even made debts to create it. He made kilo's of it, but wasn't really able to sell it. Then on day i where at his home, and he told me he had planted weed in his home under lights(which is illegal...) he had like 70-100 plants all packed together. I where like wtf are you doing man, i told him it was weird because before he was afraid of two plants hided in the forrest. The weed was fully grown, so i said to go harvest them and get rid of them, and to not grow plants again. I was worried, because he was already paranoid.
That week the cops came at his home, they wanted to talk to him because he lived squated building, still its weird they did this at all. When bastiaan opened the door, the cop asked him what he smelled. They probably had smelled the air of the weed, which no one could ignore, because it was that obivous. He told the cops he wasn't in the mood for a talk and closed the door. That night he wanted to drop a friend of him at home, when he just left his street he got stopped by the cops and got arrested.
Then on a day, he started to talk about narcisme and altough he didn't say it straight away, he was obivously trying to tell me that i was a narcist to, because i influenced him. From that moment i started losing him, i think he started to think i where a part of his conspiracy to. On the last days i really spoke to him, he looked like a living dead person. He couldn't look people into the eyes, and where moaning about all kind of weird thoughts. Eventually i'll lost him, Then one year later i recieved some spam that seemed to sended from his mail adres. I wrote him a email about it, to try to get in contact with him because i where wondering how everything was doing with him. Then i got a answer from his mom and dad. They told me he was already gone for a year. They knew he was alive, but they couldn't figure out where he was. I told them the full story, about what happend and the thoughts bastiaan had about them and the world.
I tried to help them. I knew he was another country but had no clue where. His parents had recieved two emails with irrational thoughts which where sended from different email adresses i tried to send email to those adresses but never recieved a reply. I think he just created those adresses for one time. I found some signs of life on the internet, but where unable to track them. It seemed he wiped out all tracks of where he could live. Exactly as he had planned to do.
Then a year later, i got a call from his little brother, if i wanted to meet him because something terrible had happen to bastiaan. I came directly, and then his brother started to burst in tears and told me that bastiaan had commited suicide, and that the police in canada had found him after he was already dead for 3 days. I where shocked, and to be honest i feel terrible. Although i hope he found the rest and peace which he was so desperatly longing for to find.
Long story, but since he was a member of psychonaut, i felt it would be a good things to share it with you, as way to process everything i just heard.
I wish him all the love in the world, and honestly hope he is at peace now with himself and that he has found want he was looking for.
Goodbye bastiaan i will miss you bigtime!!!
Greets,
Hermes
This is a long story that started years ago, my username was in those days Mysticwarrior. Maybe some do remember still remember me.
In those days i learned to know a friend, who's name was Bastiaan and he was a member of psychonaut. He lived very near to where i lived in the netherlands, so on a random day we decided to meet each other. We had the same interests, psychdelics, philosophy, conpiracy etc, so we had endless conversation about this subject and it didn't took long before we where really good friends.
Not long after i learned to know him better and better, we had some conversation when we drove in my car. Then all suddenly he started to say things that shocked me in a certain way. He was fascinated by conspiracy theory's, and told me that he was a afraid that any secret government forces where about to kill him because he would have known to much. I remember when i heared this thought, i was like WTF, no way man. It concerned me, he seemed to start losing him self conspiracy theory's. Altough i heard him speaking about all those theory's, i where almost always to skeptical about them.
In the period that followed all kinds of things started to fall apart in his life. He's mind was so focussed on these conspiracy's, that even his parents became a part of them. He told me they where narcists, and that they would try control his life forever. He where always talking about freeing his self from this control his parents seemed to have on him. He was pretty smart and clever, so i told him because he was already 18 years old, it would be better to move out house. Which he eventually did. He rented a room somewhere near his parets. And of course(that's what a lot parents do) they keept caring for him, which he felt as if they where a part of conspiracy.
I where a squatter in those days, and since i had a lot of experience in claiming the rights to live in empty house/building, which was legal in those days. I found a nice empty farm house a lot of miles away from his parents. Although i was worried a bit to much, because he would live there all alone and would have no one to talk to, but he was convinced it was the perfect spot for him to be. So after a lot of talks, we decided to squat the building. The break in is illegal, but as soon when you're in and replaced the lock, you have the right to claim a building when it was unused for more then a year.
We decided to enter the building at night, we broke in quite easily and replaced the lock. I noticed that bastiaan had a way to much tensions, i had squated houses with many other people before, but he seemed be the far most tensioned person i had ever seen before, during the squatting of a building. That night i saw a fear in his eyes what never had gone away.
It was during the time he lived there when he started to completely lose him self. Instead of the parent control conspiracy things became less, it started to become even worse. He made a plan to leave everything behind him and imigrate to another country so no one would find him. In the beginning i thought, well i had these thoughts to when i where still around the age of 18. So i never thougth anything crazy about it, untill he kept talking about it everytime i spoke him. I'll noticed how serious he was about it, and tried to tell him that maybe he interpreted somethings in the wrong way. And that if he would continue his plans he would probably would heart a lot of people, which seems to be awfull punishment for his parents and his familly. In my eyes, his parents where just worried about him, so they felt forced to help bastiaan which he couldn't admire.
Everytime i visited him during the time he lived there in that farm house, things became more and more strange. One day when i was visiting him, he told me to go outside with him, he walked into very small forrest behind his farmhouse. Then he pointed his finger on the ground, where i noticed there where two little weed plants growing which where about 15-20cm tall. I told him this was not really good place for them, they would never get light under the trees. Then we heard the sound of a helicopter, and all suddenly he looked as if he had seen a ghost. He pointed at it, and told me he was afraid they where flying there because he had hidden those two plants(no reason to do, since having plant outside your home is legal). I noticed that he became totally irrational and way to paranoia. Sometimes when i visited him on unexpected moment he turned into panic attack, and had a struggle to breath. I'll just ringed the bell, like any other visitor would do. He lived in constant fear of his own psychotic thoughts which where far from rational. He kept moaning about his parents, and i did anything i could to keep helping relativate his thoughts. He told me he was depressed, and since i noticed seen seeing his personality falling apart, i told him he maybe could use some serious mental help and visit a psychologist, which he eventually did. But after one visit, he came back and told me they where a part of the plot. I think the psychologist must have been worried because they tried to visit him at home, because he didn't response to any phonecalls or letters. I always tried to help him in any way i could, i always tried to invite him to look different to the situation he was in.
And trust me, he was very intelligent, maybe sometimes to. To me it was obivious he was in a sort of psychosis. He also used lots of psychedelic substances during that time/period. Money was big trouble for him and he wasn't able to do a fulltime job, he just couldn't handle it. So he started to investigate how he could extract dmt and even made debts to create it. He made kilo's of it, but wasn't really able to sell it. Then on day i where at his home, and he told me he had planted weed in his home under lights(which is illegal...) he had like 70-100 plants all packed together. I where like wtf are you doing man, i told him it was weird because before he was afraid of two plants hided in the forrest. The weed was fully grown, so i said to go harvest them and get rid of them, and to not grow plants again. I was worried, because he was already paranoid.
That week the cops came at his home, they wanted to talk to him because he lived squated building, still its weird they did this at all. When bastiaan opened the door, the cop asked him what he smelled. They probably had smelled the air of the weed, which no one could ignore, because it was that obivous. He told the cops he wasn't in the mood for a talk and closed the door. That night he wanted to drop a friend of him at home, when he just left his street he got stopped by the cops and got arrested.
Then on a day, he started to talk about narcisme and altough he didn't say it straight away, he was obivously trying to tell me that i was a narcist to, because i influenced him. From that moment i started losing him, i think he started to think i where a part of his conspiracy to. On the last days i really spoke to him, he looked like a living dead person. He couldn't look people into the eyes, and where moaning about all kind of weird thoughts. Eventually i'll lost him, Then one year later i recieved some spam that seemed to sended from his mail adres. I wrote him a email about it, to try to get in contact with him because i where wondering how everything was doing with him. Then i got a answer from his mom and dad. They told me he was already gone for a year. They knew he was alive, but they couldn't figure out where he was. I told them the full story, about what happend and the thoughts bastiaan had about them and the world.
I tried to help them. I knew he was another country but had no clue where. His parents had recieved two emails with irrational thoughts which where sended from different email adresses i tried to send email to those adresses but never recieved a reply. I think he just created those adresses for one time. I found some signs of life on the internet, but where unable to track them. It seemed he wiped out all tracks of where he could live. Exactly as he had planned to do.
Then a year later, i got a call from his little brother, if i wanted to meet him because something terrible had happen to bastiaan. I came directly, and then his brother started to burst in tears and told me that bastiaan had commited suicide, and that the police in canada had found him after he was already dead for 3 days. I where shocked, and to be honest i feel terrible. Although i hope he found the rest and peace which he was so desperatly longing for to find.
Long story, but since he was a member of psychonaut, i felt it would be a good things to share it with you, as way to process everything i just heard.
I wish him all the love in the world, and honestly hope he is at peace now with himself and that he has found want he was looking for.
Goodbye bastiaan i will miss you bigtime!!!
Greets,
Hermes
Ah man, i remember those days very very well. And altough i couldn't handle you're direct way of putting things in words, i'll now do believe you where so right about a lot of things. And i also realise how important you're place was here on psychonaut. And how we destroyed the forum, but maybe this all just needed to happen. You where one of the view who had the guts and the experience, and tried to show people the other side that they didn't wanted to see. It took me ages to understand what you always tried to say to caduceus and many others, me included. But unless all the crap fights we had, you words where afterall not invane!
aranoid: 
like we know you. 
