psychological personality crisis

[BrainEater]

hey all,

maybe you can relate to this. i noticed how almost my entire life at least sometimes seemed like a personality crisis. how it's just a matter of perspective and how my biggest mistake was to rather listen to and believe in shit that other people tell me than in my own truth, in spite of knowing that it's true. well i started to realize this more and more especially with the use
of psychedelics, but i also noticed that for reasons i don't completely understand yet, at times i fell back into deluded modes of thinking or consciousness...it's crazy lol... it's like being controlled by the dark side of the force if i may put it like that, because it really felt like that. basically it seems that it evolved into a wave pattern or so ... continuously going up and down... :| :x :?

in my view fear is such a control and as i experienced it, it can be abused on more levels than you possibly may be aware of.
it's like a paralysis in the inner being, that becomes afraid to change, grow, express its true nature, etc etc... it can be very interesting, revealing and rewarding to take a closer look at yourself in such things, because when you (allow yourself to) become aware of these things in you, you are more likely able to change them. or maybe even like a negative placebo effect, in the sense of ideas that you allow to be implanted in your being or so. i guess this kind of shit can be roughly generalized as making the mistake to take authority as truth and not truth as authority and hence not questioning authority. it was as if i became what i hated... a stupid sheep...

i wanted to be someone else a lot of the time because people gave me the impression that i was worthless, but now looking back i can see how they just projected their shit on me. it's like they tried to load their garbage on me and take from me what they liked and then tell me that i suck. at least that's what it felt like.... pretty damn cruel if you ask me, but i want
to forgive them, because i can now also see how they didn't know what they were doing in spite of acting as if they knew.
well maybe i was traumatized a little bit by that so i experienced it more intensely, but still i can't and don't want to refuse what i really feel anymore. i can't take lying to myself anymore and if you force me to do so don't blame me if the thunder of my rage crushes your plastic fork. 8)

so i am still in a phase of unlearning shit in order to become my natural being or so... i just can't stand all the fake shit and artificialness i see in so many people. sometimes i want to change them, but i feel like this is futile, because they
have to do that by themselves. maybe it's like another lesson for humanity like with the nazis... so that they don't have
repeat some mistakes... know what i mean? :x

my conclusion is that i have been a victim of the generational karma of my parents and society and i had been trying to overcome all that for a long time already. people made me sick, but it was as if they wanted to make me think that it was "normal". i suppose it boils down to that my human nature got polluted. my mind and intellect had been blindfolded.
switching gears and shutting the thoughts off is a thing i had to learn the hard way.
well lol at times i would say it even was as if "i" wasn't there anymore... they had killed me, but i came back lol... :smirk: :retard:

i don't know whether you know the book "moon palace" by paul auster, but it had a very interesting phrase which i just remembered... it was like: "in times of crisis we learn who we are."
there's probably a lot of truth in it. because by seeing who we don't are we can find out who we are also... and this gets tested heavily in a crisis. it's probably a good thing, because else the superficialness that defines the personality or so of
lots of persons would be given way too much significance.
maybe it's interesting to note that death is the end of all illusion and this can be seen in context of ego-death as well.
and ego-death can be seen in context with the psycho-logic of personality crisis... lol :lol:

hm well anyway i guess i am a little bit confused lol... maybe i could have written more or put it clearer, but
for that i surely need to meditate more.
thanks for reading!!


peace

 

[ararat]

maybe you can relate to this.

I sure can, and I think so do many other people. what you seem to be suffering from is what I like to call the "civilisation disease". (I've been wanting to write about it but lacked the incentive it fits well here.)
it has a lot to do with how we treat nature, both outside and inside. some saying goes "as above so below", but "as outside so inside" seems more to the point.

take monocultures, one of my favourite topics to rage about. we go outside, see a pristine forest or some plain with an intricate ecological net of interrelated plants, animals, fungi and bacteria, and we decide to remove all that we do not want (which is pretty much all of it), plow the earth, and plant one crop all over the place. the rectangular shape of most fields should give off the sentiment with which the whole thing is being done :lol:

with this come a lot of problems. a monoculture says to insects ("pests") that this is basically an all-you-can-eat, and so they do. now we need insecticides. then, plants that we do not want to grow in the crop need to be removed too, with herbicides. then because of only planting one crop the soils lack nutrients, we need fertilizer. I have no real grasp of all the problems that arise with all this, but it seems that there's a lot of problems. soil erodes, fertilizer is being oxidized, becomes toxic in the process and gets into the groundwater, pesticides often are pretty toxic too, or at least not very supportive for healthy ecosystems. to counter these problems we get into genetic engineering a la monsanto, the dangers of which are way beyond my accurate understanding, but something tells me that it isn't going to work either...
so in order to have monocultures to produce "goods" we have to keep nature from its natural state by means of ever-growing force, which is wrecking our world.

and so it is inside. we strive for some ideal state, whatever it may be, maize or wheat, happiness or love, it doesn't matter. the matter of fact is that we look inside, and we don't like what we are seeing. fear, anger, pride, memories etc.pp. the whole deal. but we want to be good, otherwise we won't survive! so we try to pull out these weeds and plant something good, disrupting the natural state of ourselves because it is not how we want it to be --> we are not harmonious anymore.
in the case of myself, I could see that when I felt sexually attracted to someone, the farmer inside myself said that it is a pest (whatever fool thaught me that) and used a pesticide against it: guilt. it works, the attraction is gone, but now guilt is there, and it is eroding the soils of the mind and body :lol: you become quite dull, and the pressure will work up and the force you will have to exert will grow and grow. the principle is being carried out with a whole range of emotions.


before the neolithic transition we were hunter-gatherers, which meant that we didn't have to manipulate nature in order to survive. we just took the gifts that we got from nature, nature cared for us. many people think that it was a brute life in which we barely survive, but as some studies show, nomads in the kalahari desert, one of the harshest climate, spend only 20 hours a week for subsistence.

in contrast, when you become an agriculturist, you have to manipulate nature and keep the land from its natural state by force, in order to produce food for you to survive: you have to fight for survival, you are not being cared for if you don't work hard for it. the world gets divided into two parts: good (fields) and bad (the wild). and so it comes that we have to control the world in order to make it good so that we may survive = we have to control ourselves (artificiality in practice) to be good in order to survive, but all we do is to poison ourselves.


I hope this is coherent my point is that we shouldn't be too harsh on ourselves and others for the way we/they behave, most of it is old "karma" that we inherited from our evolution, not something that we need to condemn ourselves for.
we should learn to let nature back into ourselves again. like a parking lot, if you just let it stand for some time, the cement will crack and plants will come out and bloom. don't pave it over again, it is artificial and ugly. let it grow! let nature back in! many people still seem like parking lots.. but they will crack open too. it is bound to happen, nature always reverts back to its harmonious state. even if the process causes our psyche to break.

we have to go through crises to see that.. if it wasn't for global warming and eroding soils etc.etc. we wouldn't get into different modes of sustainable food production, and if it wasn't for personal crises we wouldn't get back into more natural states of being.
the topic would need a whole book.. so much is connected with this artificiality. another monoculture that destroys nature in humans/kids is school. kids are being schooled and graded, like potatoes. those who are graded 5 drop out of the grid and are being processed in the factory, while the ones that are graded 1 get into higher positions/are being sold to sophisticated customers...

 

[ararat]

i wanted to be someone else a lot of the time because people gave me the impression that i was worthless

such as nature in its natural state as seen by people with no faculty of feeling or sacredness..

don't let yourself get dragged down by those farmers. follow your inclinations I started to do that on a conscious basis some two weeks ago, and I'm surprised how smoothly everything works out, synchronicity style. of course my mum didn't react as smoothly, but she wants my life to be "good", but who am I to judge.

 

[BrainEater]

hey man thanks for your reply and your encouragement!!! it means a lot to me and gives me confidence... :heart:
i also tried to embrace more natural approaches to my inner being and my outer being or so.. whatever that may be lol...
i think the analogy with farming is a very good one, because in my view, one of the best analogies for the mind is a garden.
inner strength is potentially infinite, while outer strength as a manifestation is transient. like with kung fu. this doesn't mean that it can't be a benefit to balance the inner and the outer...in the form of self realization... finding out who you really are... you know??
maybe it's even almost like reality itself can be seen as a psychedelic experience... remember when you were a child...


i guess what scared me most of the apparent personality evolutions or so... not sure what to call it... is the mistaking of shit.
like mistaking the outer for the inner and as i see it basically the outer is more like a reflection of the original and hence
not the original. the reason for that is the compulsive, enforced and exagerated focus on the outer manifestations = materialism. the machines take over the power. people become like machines or robots... :\ :finger: aranoid:
terminators coming from the future... that kinda shit. :shock:
:arrow: more people seem to always need more and more to cling to and to identify with... because else they don't know who they are...



it seems like a turning point or so for human evolution. as more and more stuff that already was within us expresses in
the outer world. like for example computers...
but yeah hmm it seems that what you allude to, is that the suppression of the war within expresses in the outer world on more
levels than we may be comfortable with. maybe our mistake is to even fight ourselves, to suppress our true nature and stuff like that.
as i see it, this in turn expresses in elitism and stuff like that or that is connected to it directly or indirectly...
lol i noticed it would probably indeed take a whole book to say what needs to be said so that everybody can understand it.
i heard there is collective and personal illusion and this means we don't see shit how it really is, but how we want to see it.
ignorance is becoming like a virus these days, but then again truth has the potential for that, too, lol...
maybe we can become peaceful when we start to live peace instead just talking about it.
like with love. to me it seemed that people who talk about love a lot, often can't see it anymore... it may sound
absurd, but that's how reality is becoming more and more, also ...
there is just so much control and manipulation and fear nowadays... but then again i can also understand it the way
eckhart tolle did, if you know that guy, he wrote a book... he says something like that we can use suffering for enlightenment also... like an indicator... and if we are able to wake up from such a nightmare that we may have put
ourselves into, we may get a boost so to say lol.
the point is to acknowledge the mistakes and to learn right from them. the question is why we didn't love ourselves
and forgive ourselves our blindness. let's be honest to ourselves... because if at all, lying to ourselves will only help
in the short run.
maybe that's why i see so many dead people... :?

i guess it helps to be like a child... because often that's where we can get stuck at some or the other point...
i mean that in the way that everything builds upon our childhood experiences... or to be more precise:
on the concept of experience that we form mostly as childs... it's like it becomes more and more solid...
or less and less solid... or something in between. i hope you can somehow understand what i am trying to say lol.
if it all gets too much... take one step at a time.
it's dumb to think about dumb people. as i see it, it means giving them energy.
i hope all of this doesn't sound too stupid or so... and that i approximately could say what i wanted to say... lol
btw banana in the other thread you said, that in your impression, i didn't talk enough to other people... well i guess
that's probably true. because they can't relate to me or understand me. that's why i try to find more people like me.
and i am rather confident. it's like i am on a mission ..lol... positive thinking ftw :lol: :lol:

:arrow: trust in god (YOU). :nod: god is one. you are one with your thoughts and with your shadow. as i see it, it does make a difference what/who you think god is. also in connection with the concept of ego. sorry if my reply may seem a bit unstructured or confused or so. just take what you want from it. be authentic, do your best and then leave it. (the last phrase is from a youtube guru)
ok enough for now...


peace :heart:

 

[IJesusChrist]

Brain I only read your first post and stopped reading banana's when he started talking craziness about farms - lol brain eater is not a farm!

I think the thing that resonated most with me is that "dark side" pulls us back in. Yes.

I think we have moments of clarity (enhanced by psychedelics) when we see the big picture - the pulling of the "dark" side onto us and engulfing us. Keeping us minimized, expressionless, and painfully stupid and ambition-less. Everyone does it to everyone, its our whole society. We don't grow up complementing everyone on everything, and when we do it seems forced. Even for me, when I really enjoy art or writing or someone's intelligence I sometimes refrain from telling them how great it was, for many, many small, but complicated reasons.

When our whole society is built on a minimal-complement and encouragement, we suffer.

I've been trying to figure out, with my friend as the guinea pig, how to bring to light ... "faults" of a person's behavior (real faults like leaving the water running, leaving electricity on, making sexist statements, etc) without condemning them, but rather explaining a more encouraging change.

I don't know.... FARMS

 

[BrainEater]

LOL... i'm a farm for sure!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: lol i dunno ... maybe i am a farm or maybe not... well i guess if i am a farm i want to be a good farm. a nice weed farm would be cool. but it also reminds me of animal farm lol uke: ... maybe it's like the pigs in my personality farm also had too much power. but that is over...

apart from that i think i agree with what you say mr. JC. it's like we do to others what was done to us...
a problem that seems to prevail a lot in western society is that people deny their dark side and only want to see the good
side, which creates a conflict of polarity of sorts. it's like by ignoring it, you give away the power over it and then it can have power over you...it's about the unification of opposites instead of crying that there is a opposite???
on another level or.. basically.. maybe it's like it's the same thing in the first place, just a different expression in terms of polarity?? do you see yourself as a whole person or as a split personality and do you understand why it is so or why it is not so??? why do we wear so many masks in the first place???

too much shit is forced and not unfolding naturally... :\ :angry:

and yeah we indeed need to show the people the shit that they are producing, but without too much negativity and instead
constructive criticism. because often people act so stupid because they just don't know better... they suffer from their mental imprisonment in the way that they sometimes can't even imagine an alternative. :crybaby: :retard: :roll:

i guess we can always see shit as a challenge and try to grow from that. :smoke:


peace

 

[ophiuchus]

i can relate.

the first post makes me think of astrology. not sun sign stuff, but planetary orbital cycles and how they affect consciousness, for better and worse (depending on what side of the ferris wheel(s) one's on).

 

[ararat]

:lol: :lol: please excuse the wild analogies. they just explained so much to me, this way how we view nature (and our nature) as hunter gatherers in contrast to agriculturists, and how this affects out personalities resulting in this artificialness that braineater lamented.

btw banana in the other thread you said, that in your impression, i didn't talk enough to other people... well i guess
that's probably true. because they can't relate to me or understand me. that's why i try to find more people like me.
and i am rather confident. it's like i am on a mission ..lol... positive thinking ftw

I'm in a similar situation right now. there still are some people left with whom I can sincerely talk about it. some others just don't get it at all and make fun of my "consciousness talk". but well. so be it, the one guy had no idea what I was talking about when I said I died in a trip and some time later when he tripped again himself he got an insight..
what I was very surprised of though were how many different people go to meditation retreats. I mean it was like you take the most random people from the subway. if I saw them in the city I'd probably think about how shallow they probably are if I'm in a bad mood, but the fact is that they live a spirituality too. you just don't notice from their appearance at all. that teacher there was the apotheosis of "normal looking" :lol:

 

[zezt]

maybe you can relate to this.

I sure can, and I think so do many other people. what you seem to be suffering from is what I like to call the "civilisation disease". (I've been wanting to write about it but lacked the incentive it fits well here.)
it has a lot to do with how we treat nature, both outside and inside. some saying goes "as above so below", but "as outside so inside" seems more to the point.

take monocultures, one of my favourite topics to rage about. we go outside, see a pristine forest or some plain with an intricate ecological net of interrelated plants, animals, fungi and bacteria, and we decide to remove all that we do not want (which is pretty much all of it), plow the earth, and plant one crop all over the place. the rectangular shape of most fields should give off the sentiment with which the whole thing is being done :lol:

with this come a lot of problems. a monoculture says to insects ("pests") that this is basically an all-you-can-eat, and so they do. now we need insecticides. then, plants that we do not want to grow in the crop need to be removed too, with herbicides. then because of only planting one crop the soils lack nutrients, we need fertilizer. I have no real grasp of all the problems that arise with all this, but it seems that there's a lot of problems. soil erodes, fertilizer is being oxidized, becomes toxic in the process and gets into the groundwater, pesticides often are pretty toxic too, or at least not very supportive for healthy ecosystems. to counter these problems we get into genetic engineering a la monsanto, the dangers of which are way beyond my accurate understanding, but something tells me that it isn't going to work either...
so in order to have monocultures to produce "goods" we have to keep nature from its natural state by means of ever-growing force, which is wrecking our world.

and so it is inside. we strive for some ideal state, whatever it may be, maize or wheat, happiness or love, it doesn't matter. the matter of fact is that we look inside, and we don't like what we are seeing. fear, anger, pride, memories etc.pp. the whole deal. but we want to be good, otherwise we won't survive! so we try to pull out these weeds and plant something good, disrupting the natural state of ourselves because it is not how we want it to be --> we are not harmonious anymore.
in the case of myself, I could see that when I felt sexually attracted to someone, the farmer inside myself said that it is a pest (whatever fool thaught me that) and used a pesticide against it: guilt. it works, the attraction is gone, but now guilt is there, and it is eroding the soils of the mind and body :lol: you become quite dull, and the pressure will work up and the force you will have to exert will grow and grow. the principle is being carried out with a whole range of emotions.


before the neolithic transition we were hunter-gatherers, which meant that we didn't have to manipulate nature in order to survive. we just took the gifts that we got from nature, nature cared for us. many people think that it was a brute life in which we barely survive, but as some studies show, nomads in the kalahari desert, one of the harshest climate, spend only 20 hours a week for subsistence.

in contrast, when you become an agriculturist, you have to manipulate nature and keep the land from its natural state by force, in order to produce food for you to survive: you have to fight for survival, you are not being cared for if you don't work hard for it. the world gets divided into two parts: good (fields) and bad (the wild). and so it comes that we have to control the world in order to make it good so that we may survive = we have to control ourselves (artificiality in practice) to be good in order to survive, but all we do is to poison ourselves.


I hope this is coherent my point is that we shouldn't be too harsh on ourselves and others for the way we/they behave, most of it is old "karma" that we inherited from our evolution, not something that we need to condemn ourselves for.
we should learn to let nature back into ourselves again. like a parking lot, if you just let it stand for some time, the cement will crack and plants will come out and bloom. don't pave it over again, it is artificial and ugly. let it grow! let nature back in! many people still seem like parking lots.. but they will crack open too. it is bound to happen, nature always reverts back to its harmonious state. even if the process causes our psyche to break.

we have to go through crises to see that.. if it wasn't for global warming and eroding soils etc.etc. we wouldn't get into different modes of sustainable food production, and if it wasn't for personal crises we wouldn't get back into more natural states of being.
the topic would need a whole book.. so much is connected with this artificiality. another monoculture that destroys nature in humans/kids is school. kids are being schooled and graded, like potatoes. those who are graded 5 drop out of the grid and are being processed in the factory, while the ones that are graded 1 get into higher positions/are being sold to sophisticated customers...

Hey man, I LOVE your anaology of monoculture with monoexperience pushed on us by the toxic farmers. I have also played with this anaology, but you put it very well and I am gonna copy your pice for my file which i titled monoculture all about this. This is a VERY important analogy, because what is inner manifests outer and vice versa, so I would love to use your post to inspire some more reflection about this. One bit I dont agree with is the sharp demarcation you make between agriculture and hunter gatherers. It is not so black and white and there was a transition called horticulture which is the prototype of permaculture which is where we can both live settled lives AND intelligently work with nature instead of against it, as does mono-culture.
If you look at most terms which begin with mono, such as mono-theism, mono-tony, mono-myth of Campbell where he tries to make out ALL myths fit his pattern, etc etc, even mono-gomy, usually are not good because they suppress diversity

I liked where you say how when we look within and try and suppress the aspects of our nature that this is similar to the suppressing of 'weeds' by the monoculturist. Well this is E X A C T L Y what is happening with the mental illness myth!! So for example, the brutal mono-culture which tries to puch all children into a square box in its enforced schooling, and via its mass media and laws, and war on drugs which includes war on psychedelics---well this brutality will creeate emotional distress in communities, and some people will be 'unhappy', anxious, obssessive, and some people will have visionary experiences. Now all these feelings and experiences by the monoculture farmers are looked at as 'weeds' that need eradicating with 'weedkillers' or 'anti-weed medication' which suppresses the very GROWTH that needs to be nurtured. This growth SEEMS a problem because everything is demanded to be fukin mono, but really this groth is revealing something very important: How we have lost diversity health love ecstasy and life.

 

[ararat]

hey hey, happy to hear that my posts hit fertile ground ;D
I once recommended it to you, and I'm doing so again because I think you'd love it as much as I do, check out the Ascent of Humanity, it is what inspired the monoculture theory, if not to say that's where I stole it from

 

[IJesusChrist]

sorry banana Im sure your post was good. I've just been reading and watching so much shit on this global farm technology epidemic I don't think I could read anymore! so excuse me

What was I going to say. I forgot.
Gahd damnit.

Ill be back.

 

[ararat]

you're excused, no worries

zezt, do you have some recommended reading on the mental-health monoculture?

 

[BrainEater]

lol.. well i think humans are out of balance in the farm aspect.. :lol:
in the world farm, for a better lack of word, a lot of humans seem to be stuck on having a monoculture of humans..
maybe because they are so gridlocked in certain mental programs, in the grip of fear and the lack of love etc etc...
in a certain way the machines are taking over the power... also maybe some of you noticed how cruel humans can be
on a mass scale, like not seeing the worth and the nature of human beings ... :x
monoculture is like facism... :!: :arrow: it is rather clear to me, that there is a difference, between simply not understanding and not wanting to understand...

so that it's only about profit lol... but they don't realize that it's not only their planet and not their lives...
shit like that... it reminds me of "agribusiness" that IJC mentioned in another thread... it's sad to see...how violence
takes over in subliminal ways... plus the concept of loose change...
and i suppose that kind of shit also leads to compulsive lying... i really hope the revolution we're going thru, will change a lot of that shit... i don't think i want to live on a fake planet lol... :roll:


peace

 

[UniCOrNjAckiE]

it has a lot to do with how we treat nature, both outside and inside. some saying goes "as above so below", but "as outside so inside" seems more to the point. If the words 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness' don't include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the? Declaration of Independence isn't worth the hemp it was written on..

 

[zezt]

you're excused, no worries

zezt, do you have some recommended reading on the mental-health monoculture?

I need to know more what you mean? Do you mean that would use that term 'mono-culture' to expose the mental illness myth? As far as I am aware (though I could have forgot) only *I have, but wait, I am gonna do a Google and see what comes up: there seem some good .links worth exploring, but let me reflect more on this.

Thomas Szasz who wrote the book The Myth of Mental Illness in the 1960s calls our time the Pharmacracy. Now it is also called the Corporatocracy, so you can see how those "persons" who see fit to impose their utterly toxic mono-civilization onto planet earth would also greatly promote and fund a mental illness myth which would claim you were biologically diseases if you DARED to suffer distress from this oppression or dared to outright question it. So the two cracies work together don't they?

 

[BrainEater]

lol absolutely man... now it all makes sense to me... maybe the question is: how can they love others, when they can't even
love themselves???


peace