My head asplode!

[Subtle_Nod]

To be honest - I just want to complain. You may want to stop reading. In fact, everyone should stop reading.

Seriously, I'm just going to rant. You'll just want your 5 minutes back.

I cannot concentrate

I'm told I have ADHD. I'm not attached to the label as such, I just thought that would be a good place to start. I imagine most people associate that with stupid kids that won't shut the fsck up. Unfortunately (for me) it's also something that can continue into adulthood.

Even better for me, most adults who do not grow out of it tend to lose the H for Hyper and end up with Adult ADD. Not me.

I'm not stupid. I did well in school. I was even tested to have an IQ of 148.

Actually, I wouldn't have said I was that bad at school. See, I didn't really misbehave, but I never paid attention either. In every class excluding art I doodled the whole time. In art I stared out the window.

I could answer the questions I was asked and do the work I was given. At the very last possible moment. I did a whole weeks homework while the teacher was walking round the class to collect it once.

I never thought anything of anything, didn't question because I didn't know anything else I guess. I didn't bother studying for my exams - I just wasn't interested. I couldn't pick up one of those stupid text books without drifting off, so I didn't bother. Figured what the hell. It's not like I was enjoying life back then anyway.

Exam results? 3 A's, 7 B's and a C.

Back to "now". I have a job I like. It requires concentration. A lot of concentration. More than I have.

Actually, everyone around me thinks I lose concentration daily. Being inside my head - I agree. Damn it.

Everyone has an inner voice, when they look at words they have a voice in their head that speaks them out loud. At least, most person.

When I was younger, thinking for me was like being in a room full of people speaking. Thing is, before it was more like everyone was working together, actually doing something useful. Like a team meeting.

Now it is more like a nightclub where everyone is talking about the weekend. Permanently. Trying to get anything done is literally like having your office in a nightclub.

So I'm sitting there in my nightclub full of good intentions but the rubbish music and the continual drone of everyone enjoying themselves... I can't get anything done.

I get lost in thoughts and dreams, I just can't stay focused.

My body wants to dance... it's hard to explain, it's like I have a midget for a skeleton and he has disco fever. I just have this "feeling" in places, arms, legs, neck, head, anywhere that *needs* to move. The longer I ignore it the stronger and more compelling it gets.

And nothing gets done.

It would be fine if I was a gardener or a checkout slave - I could daydream of a better job all day and survive with only 10% of my mind focused on the reality of now.

That's not my job though - I'm a programmer - if an important deadline is coming I could need to be focused for 12 hours straight.

I'd do something else but I have *always* wanted to do this. Always. I have the only job I've ever wanted and my ability to do it seems to be falling through my hands. I hate it!

Why post here? I figure I'll get judged here differently than in the wider world. I also figure there are other people with the same cerebral makeup all over the shot but considering the introspective nature of the people that are drawn here, they are more likely to notice.

End of rant I guess.

Edit: Ouch, that was a lot longer than I guessed it would be - I guess you'll want your 10 minutes back.

 

[st.bot.32]

i can relate completely to you.

i know a few people who are very intelligent and in the upper echelons of academia who have either been told or manifest the "symptoms" of ADD

even myself, i did very well in school, i'm a very active artist involved in several bands and my friends tell me i have a lot of musical talent and should be pursuing it professionally, but I'd just rather have a no-brainer job where I can daydream and forget about my job until the clock hits 5pm. when i have done jobs related to my talents, i just can't concentrate, i stare into space, can't focus and get really frustrated, which is funny, because otherwise i can go for hours and even days (its happened, hah)

i also just cant' pay attention at meetings. they move so damn slowly i just drift off and don't even think about it. i start getting artistic ideas, debating philosophy, planning.. etc etc.. it has definitely gotten me into trouble a few times

can i give you a diagnosis?

my theory:

ADHD in this case is being used as a scapegoat for "you don't fit in" to the generic production-oriented capitalist regime. you have very specific talents and energy, and everything else bores the living shit out of you as long as you aren't focusing on those specific outlets.

just my 2 cents. and I'm probably projecting how i feel of course

now lets talk about speed because thats where adhd conversations veer off to =)

some of my friends had been prescribed dexadrine and it actually did enable them to focus and deal with work that needed to be done, fortunately they do it occasionally. one of my friends who studied meditation for quite sometime said dexadrine was one of the more profound meditative experiences, just put my friend into a trance for hours while getting tons of work done, and afterwards was able to recall the experience and use it to trigger the ability to focus without using the drug.

i suppose that is the test of whether someone has adhd or not, if the drug actually improves your ability to concentrate on seemingly mundane tasks. not sure how i feel about this. the only times i've used speed were for concentration purposes as well, but for exploring my own creativity.

 

[Subtle_Nod]

now lets talk about speed because thats where adhd conversations veer off to =)

i suppose that is the test of whether someone has adhd or not, if the drug actually improves your ability to concentrate on seemingly mundane tasks. not sure how i feel about this. the only times i've used speed were for concentration purposes as well, but for exploring my own creativity.

Inevitably.

My problem is that I've always had what I've had, just not so bad really. My other problem is, being here, people will assume the old "This is your brain on drugs" thing, which is why I'd rather talk about it here where prohibition and not drugs are the taboo.

I've not had anything for nearly a year and I've never had speed - I'd not know who to ask either.

It once was true that I had specific talents and everything else bored the shit out of me, now I can't even concentrate on the things that I enjoy doing.

My other problem is the cost of living, I'll be honest - I'd hesitate to find another job, this pays well. I probably couldn't even afford rent as a cashier.

 

[VerusDeus]

It wasn't a waste of time reading this, as a matter of fact the timing and significance are excellent. Today I failed the driver's license theory exam for the third time. Which sucks donkeyballs because for the first time in my life I put some effort into something I don't give a shit about. I am not stupid, I don't have an IQ of 148 though, but I should be perfectly able to do this.

I'm starting to think I have ADD, because I do have a hard time concentrating, and I can completely relate to your examples of being in class doodling or staring out the window.

I even tried ritalin a couple of weeks ago, just to see what would be different. And as I expected, much better concentration, and it felt a lot less chaotic inside my head.

I'm in sheer despair right now, because I don't believe I'll ever amount to anything this way. I don't seem to have any real talents, and my only real two passions are music and psychedelia. If I want to make it in music i'll have to work my ass of and be lucky as well, so this will probably not happen. I'm at the end of my tether, hope is scarce, and it's hard to appreciate life to it's full extent like this.

It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these kind of problems though. :wink:

Peace

 

[st.bot.32]

It once was true that I had specific talents and everything else bored the shit out of me, now I can't even concentrate on the things that I enjoy doing.

Yeah, i've definitely been in situations like that for a period of a year at a time sometimes and god does it suck. wish i knew some magical cure to suggest but getting out of it was a matter of self-analysis, time, luck, lifestyle changes.

I suppose as long as you are able to function at your job that is something. A friend (mentioned in previous posts) working in IT doing programming also actually, got to the point where if hadn't quit would probably have been fired. this friend saved up, went back to school and studied what the friend was actually interested in, absolutely no compromises this time.

oh as far as speed goes, most people just need to talk to a physician and describe the symptoms. kind of ironic

 

[st.bot.32]

I'm in sheer despair right now, because I don't believe I'll ever amount to anything this way. I don't seem to have any real talents, and my only real two passions are music and psychedelia. If I want to make it in music i'll have to work my ass of and be lucky as well, so this will probably not happen. I'm at the end of my tether, hope is scarce, and it's hard to appreciate life to it's full extent like this.
Peace

yeah, i've spent my entire life in school doodling to the point i was making graphic novels hahah.

the balance i've found at the moment is a job in IT which pays the bills, isn't too grueling (shorter days) and leaves me with enough energy to pursue my two main interests which coincidentally are strikingly similar to yours

the thing is its funny all of us in this thread seem to be artists/ creative people. i think this whole thread has less to do with ADHD and more the fact that if you are bitten by the creative bug, are an artist it is something you just have to do, or you will be doomed to feel miserable

people who aren't creative in the same way just can't understand that. they go home after work and watch tv for a few hours and go to sleep. then they grow old and die. the world is short on moral support for the creative crowd. helps to have friends with similar interests..

 

[VerusDeus]

True! as was stated before ADD/ADHD is just a label for people who don't really fit into the ways of the money-driven capitalist society. We are caught in the middle, and it might be tough to make a living this way, but I'm not going to hide myself because I don't fit in.

I'll fail that exam a thousand more times if I have to, to finally make it. I'll have at least a dozen of shitty jobs, and I'll be stressing continuously about paying the rent etc. But I will not give up!

And somewhere along the way I'll savour the sweet fruits of labour!

Peace.

 

[st.bot.32]

True! as was stated before ADD/ADHD is just a label for people who don't really fit into the ways of the money-driven capitalist society. We are caught in the middle, and it might be tough to make a living this way, but I'm not going to hide myself because I don't fit in.

I'll fail that exam a thousand more times if I have to, to finally make it. I'll have at least a dozen of shitty jobs, and I'll be stressing continuously about paying the rent etc. But I will not give up!

And somewhere along the way I'll savour the sweet fruits of labour!

Peace.

best of luck in your journey. great quote in your sig btw.

 

[magickpencil]

i can sympathize
like you, i can't bring myself to focus on any subject i don't truly care about
i'm naturally inclined towards music and other arts, much like some other posters here
i gather that i'm younger than some of you, and haven't gotten to the point where it's become a problem for me, but i've been anticipating the day that i'll have to take responsibility for shit i've ignored
it would be scary to me if i actually took the time to care about it..

 

[????????]

Subtle_Nod you say you've been clean for a year. What about engaging in some nautical exploring of your psyche? you must be one of the most sober members. Turn everything off and jumpstart it over.

 

[druglessdouglas]

have you thought about learning a martial art? not to fight but to learn focus.
it would make use of some of your energy and the ritual side reaches down into your subconcious teaching it calm. you may even really enjoy it.
i reccomend one of the chinese arts as they tend to balance the martial side with meditation (qi gong/tai chi) and breathing excersises. look for a school of Taoist arts, they have schools all over Scotland

 

[mysticwarrior]

Well this thread explains why i love this forum and the people who are here. Tonight i felt a little lost, i also have ADD. I had this already when i was young, but its diagnosed a year ago. I also have an high iq, i am a little artistic etc.

But because my add i failed school, this was because i could not choose what i wanted to learn. One month i wanted to study psychology, the other month i wanted to be a journalist etc etc. But every time i could start with the study, i could not concentrate and did not like it anymore, so i walked away from it. I am now 24 years, and still have done nothing useful.

Last year i heard i probably had ADD, so i recognized the symptoms, but i wanted to find a solution for it! Since then i did a lot of research, but still i found nothing that really worked. Right now i am getting tired of it, my girlfriend has started to losing faith in me, and my relation starts falling down. Which feels terrible, because if i could do better, i would have done that! But i just can't do much more, then wasting a lot of time, and finally ending up with nothing more then nice thoughts.

Even better for me, most adults who do not grow out of it tend to lose the H for Hyper and end up with Adult ADD. Not me.

This is true for me

When I was younger, thinking for me was like being in a room full of people speaking. Thing is, before it was more like everyone was working together, actually doing something useful. Like a team meeting.

Now it is more like a nightclub where everyone is talking about the weekend. Permanently. Trying to get anything done is literally like having your office in a nightclub.

Exactly the same have happened to me. When i was younger, i did a lot of things. I organized demonstration against animal abuse etc, i also programmed software and web application which i really did like, but when i got 20 years old, i could not get it done anymore. I also can't do the things anymore which i always loved to do. I also forget almost anything i promise, that's also a reason why my relation is starting to fall down.

It once was true that I had specific talents and everything else bored the shit out of me, now I can't even concentrate on the things that I enjoy doing.

I really recognizing everything your saying man!

I even tried ritalin a couple of weeks ago, just to see what would be different. And as I expected, much better concentration, and it felt a lot less chaotic inside my head.

This week i am going to meet a psychiatrist, so i also can try Ritalin. But i am skeptic about it, since i don't like the idea that my life depends on drugs. Did you also felt that you could handle more?

the thing is its funny all of us in this thread seem to be artists/ creative people. i think this whole thread has less to do with ADHD and more the fact that if you are bitten by the creative bug, are an artist it is something you just have to do, or you will be doomed to feel miserable

people who aren't creative in the same way just can't understand that. they go home after work and watch tv for a few hours and go to sleep. then they grow old and die. the world is short on moral support for the creative crowd. helps to have friends with similar interests..

I totally agree with this!

True! as was stated before ADD/ADHD is just a label for people who don't really fit into the ways of the money-driven capitalist society. We are caught in the middle, and it might be tough to make a living this way, but I'm not going to hide myself because I don't fit in.

It's of course a label, it is not even a disease, but people like us are not build to live in society's like where living in right now. I am also not planning to give up, but after 24 years i really starting to hate it when things go wrong so often.

i reccomend one of the chinese arts as they tend to balance the martial side with meditation (qi gong/tai chi) and breathing excersises. look for a school of Taoist arts, they have schools all over Scotland

I think this could be a good idea. I have just read some stuff about it, and it seems interesting to me

Well, like VersusDeus said, it's good to know that i am not the only one who has this problem.

Thank you people for the great advice and this recognizable story's.

Greets,
Mysticwarrior.

 

[tryptonaut]

I could answer the questions I was asked and do the work I was given. At the very last possible moment. I did a whole weeks homework while the teacher was walking round the class to collect it once.

I never thought anything of anything, didn't question because I didn't know anything else I guess. I didn't bother studying for my exams - I just wasn't interested. I couldn't pick up one of those stupid text books without drifting off, so I didn't bother. Figured what the hell. It's not like I was enjoying life back then anyway.

I can totally relate to that, although I don't have adhd (at least I thought so?)
I can remember my English teacher once wouldn't give me 14 points (that's an A) although all tests I had written in his class added up to a straight 14 points. He said my attitude wasn't right for an "A". The asshole gave me an F for oral examination (something I didn't have proof against) so he could give me a B. In his opinion I should have worked harder for a class where I was writing straight A's anyways. What am I? Stupid? Surely not

Later on I decided to quit university because all the stupid stuffing facts into my brain thing just didn't work out for me. I'm a good learner when stuff comes to me with a purpose. For example I can easily memorize tons of facts about drugs. That stuff is interesting and my brain kind of decides "I want to keep that". However as soon as I'm supposed to learn something out of books because somebody decided I need to know these facts, then I'm a terrible learner - it almost seems like my brain subconsciously tries to sabotage these learning efforts.

Let me tell you, I got to know quite a few people in my life who were having the same problems - but they were almost exclusively really good at their jobs, creative minds who excelled once they had found work that they really loved.
On the other hand there are too many stupid people who have excellent university degrees because of their parrot-like abilities...

 

[GOD]

The last two paragraphs sounds to me like me .

 

[restin]

On the other hand there are too many stupid people who have excellent university degrees because of their parrot-like abilities...

so true You speak out of my heart...

 

[Subtle_Nod]

On the other hand there are too many stupid people who have excellent university degrees because of their parrot-like abilities...

so true You speak out of my heart...

True, my skill set speaks for itself. I suppose I could always tow the line before at the same time as *not* towing the line. It did not take much effort to take in what was being sad at the same time as doing something else.

In fact, I don't think I have the ability to apply myself completely. Strange.

 

[VerusDeus]

I got confronted with failure again today... So I was a bit down and decided to let it out in the form of poetry.

So I wrote a poem about my fear of failure, and the loosening clasp of hope.
Hope you enjoy it!

The declutch of hope

I dwell in the shade,
of an overhang
The precipice of defeat,
I attempt to defang

Tossed like a drakestone
Purling the pond
Bound to go under
Which I stress to prolong

Stonyhearted I leap
Cogitating, what for?
To finally seep
Or will I make it to shore?

Am I supposed to question
the promise of strand?
Or is it preponderant
to conserve faith and intent?

 

[Subtle_Nod]

Oh yeah. This thread -

I saw doctor, had a blood test, am seeing doctor about said blood test.