kindly asking for a minute of your time

[Guest]

hello, fellow psychonauts.


i have been a member here for some time now. there are times that i come here everyday, and sometimes, i let months pass before i step in.
i never met any user personally, though i have exchanged some personal messages with a couple of persons.
due to my education, i rarely ask for help on personal facts. but i kindly ask for an opinion here, or, at least, warm words.
the last three days of my life were spent locked in my house, with every tiny bit of light kept out of my sight. i have gained a deep, deep hatred to humankind and to my human illness as well. as some of you older cats here know, i am a musician, and it keeps getting harder and harder to rehearse with bands, because i feel like vomiting everytime someone tells a joke or even asks me "how do you do". i had to quit all bands that i was in, simply because i couldn't handle the pressure of having to greet anyone. i am currently unemployed now (but i probably won't in two or three weeks), and i don't know how will i cope with my work then. it is simply a huge pressure in my head, meeting someone and everytime have to wear a mask like an hollywood actor. this started in 1998. ten years have passed, and the pressure keeps growing and growing. i managed to control this with marijuana, i smoked 14 joints a day for more than a year. that kept my brain busy enough so i could relax, and even have a laugh with people that i used to meet around.
suicide is an idea that has outgrown myself. my dreams are nothing more than ultra-violent (i am not a violent person, never was). i am too sad to cry. tried meditation for more than two years, "heroic" acid trips, acting as someone that i am not, ignoring this, facing this, nothing solved it.
my ignorance led me to three options: start smoking marijuana again (it won't happen, so this one is discarded), go to a psychiatrist and get me some anti-depressives and join the zombie mob (very likely to happen) or suicide (not sure).
perhaps someone here will help me with more options on my life ?

i kindly and warmly welcome any opinions.

 

[BrainEater]

maybe you should ask yourself why you feel such pressure when greeting others and how you can change that???

don't you like the way you "act" ???
or do you dislike (hate) the "acting" from the others so much to even end your own life??? then you must be really concerned... i don't know why, but i feel it's most times not the best solution to kill yourself considering the seemingly unsolvable problems you are being confronted with.

i am aware of what you are saying and can relate to you, because i feel similar.


if you want to change something then not giving up is the first step.


if you don't want to change anything or maybe you don't see any other possibilities, then you could end your life... the responsibility you have set up for yourself will be gone, but so will be your life.


maybe you should think positive and not negative, and that would be the first step to your completion of this life stage of yours.

maybe indeed smoking some weed can help you again, because it has helped you in the past, but that's just speculation... of course it's up to you whether you want to do that or not...


in my opinion going to the doctor and letting he prescribe you anti-depressants and join the zombie-mob is almost to be set equal with "killing yourself".


peace.

 

[Ultima]

i agree with braineater. you have to figure out why you are having these thoughts, and once you do that you can teach yourself to socalize with people agian without feeling uncomfortable. a very good substance that would help you learn "what you need to fix" is ayahuasca. a high dose of that would teach you in many ways what you can do to love life once agian.

suicide is not an option. if you are thinking of killing yourself there are MANY different substances that would give you a neer death experience that would change your perspective on life. salvia being one of them, at an extremly high dose, it will take you anywhere and everywhere.

if you want someone to talk to give me a pm.

 

[Nomada]

"...but that's not what immediately arrests my attention, what arrests my attention is the fact, that this space, is inhabited..."

I've done the thing about staying home locked and not seeing anybody and indeed it can have very powerful consequences, specially if taken a bit seriously: 5-10 days alone. Feels heavily encrypted not having spoken to anybody in days and not even seeing another soul: the size of the known universe converges to the size of your room. I have forgotten there can exist another soul. You are; for some time, and that is enough.

By force of having to eat and survive I come out of my cave and look for food, water, or some lady psychoactive. It is not long before the most terrible situation comes: meeting someone else on the road. The OTHER. Is it true there are other souls inhabiting this supposed space? Oh my God, he has a face..., and eyes..., and sHe's looking this way...

I come out and play that old game of twisting your face and showing your teeth for social gratification, of wearing this hideous mask once again, then, once again my heart shatters. Do I have to comply with their absurd rules of behavior?, with this nonsense!? I want to vomit in everyone's faces and make them understand this is absurd, you can't have this theatrical torture for the human soul. The same for me is if everyone dies burned right now or not. I don't care.

Wait a minute...I didn't answer my first question because I was busy consuming myself with this terrible face looking at me with those scrutinizing eyes. Those eyes!
I repeat, then, the question once again: Is it true there are other souls inhabiting this supposed space? If yes. Can they feel the absence inherent to the existence of the world as I have felt this black hole in my heart? Can they be lonely as well, drenched in their own universe, they bear this mark of deepness? Can they feel, as well as I, that everything is in some weird and sad way, absurd? How the fuck I'm going to answer these questions growing?, ...the pressure keeps growing and growing.

Do you have any close friends or friends in your family? try spending more time with them, as hard as that may be, don't get lonely. Share with them how you feel. If you do not want to talk, don't talk, just go out there, with some with whom you feel at least not irrevocably unconformable, and be, just like you have being being for the last three days drenched in yourself, just breath by their side. Communicate, if you feel the need to, your universe.

Cannabis can be of some help, but this you will decide for yourself. Though I would recommend against a psychiatrist, a psychologist [not all of them, you need to search for a no-idiot] can be helpful do deal with this always pervading confusion. I go to one, I has helped me a lot, though I have the luck to have found a really good one.

You may want to use drugs or not, yet I feel you don't necessarily need them at all. It is you who, in the last instance, will connect back to the boundless blue lattice of love that's been waiting for you now for a while.
good vibes, your way, right now.

Love

 

[ProStoner]

hmm I need to think about your situation for a while, I don't have time to respond how I want to right now, because I need to catch a train in a few minutes and I don't want to post something short and useless
but i'll let u hear from me again with advice,support and maybe even answers
in a few days

by this post I just want to let u know that there's someone out there caring

 

[Carebear]

Get out more! spend less time on the "internet society"
Don`t worry so much about decisions you make, Look more to the positive aspecst then the negative.
You`re definantly not the only one with this problem.

Turn off MSN\AOL when your just browsing.
The conversations become like a trip. Somebody says something and you have all the time to respond\correct a respons before sending.*
It`s an unreal situation, You have to adapt back to normal speaking.

Also try to be more assertive, you don`t have to please everyone.
Stay in the positive man!


*(Like this comment right here. i edited it numerous times before\after posting..., can`t do that in real conversation :+ )

 

[Forkbender]

:heart: & :idea:

I tried coming up with advice, but it wouldn't come out, so I'll just stick to the love and the light.

 

[Brugmansia]

Try to re-size your third eye somehow.

Once gained the transparant psychedelic eyes, you are vulnerable since every projection of others may come across as an attempt to hold you back in the path you want to go.

It's true, our human presence is one bunch of contracted dots. Ignorance of this is bliss.

Though, you can try Oxezapam which tranquilizes your awareness and ereases a bit of your transparant vision which you have gained with psychonautism. It brings you more back to the 'naive world'. In fact, it makes you more blind.

It is controversial since Oxe makes one empty as well, I wouldn't suggest this. But if you're about to make a fatal crash, it can be a last resort.

One should never ever use SRRI's and entheogens in his life. It'll turn out into a huge mess with fatal consequences.

 

[druglessdouglas]

Brugmansia has a good point. sometimes you have to temporarily dim your perception in order to move forward. is a part of it that you assume everyone else sees in you what you see in them? go see your doctor and give your mind a holiday for a couple of months. it could be what you need.

BTW im in a similar space right now

 

[GOD]

I send you my thoughts and best wishes .

If i were you i`d stopp taking everything and go to a doctors . You dont have to take psychopharmica . Maybe you can talk to a therapist .

At least try to change something .

 

[mysticwarrior]

I could feel the pain from the words you had written down. When you want to end your depression, it's a good start to talk with others about it. Not with everyone of course, a lot people cannot handle it. But talking about it here on this forum is a good start. I think a lot people here know what your going trough and can give you some great advice.

In this world you can come across many illusions that can prison yourself in some sort of perception. Right know your in a prison of self suffering, which is really hard to experience. But the prison doors stay closed as long as you ignore your feelings. It's time to listen to them and experience them, for what other reason will this feelings manifest? As long as you ignore them, this feelings will keep manifesting till you so tiered of this all, so you can do nothing more than just accepting them.

Finally one day, this feelings will go away and others will manifest. It are the lessons we need to experience. Life is not only beautiful, although many people try to tell you that. It's just as beautifully as it is ugly and harsh. What is above is also below, is a good sample about the duality we experience in this reality. We all go trough different perception, and even when life looks like hell this manifestation someday will fade away. Trust in this, don't believe the state of mind your in right now. Feel the feelings with out thinking about it. Feel them like there not yours. But feel and not run away. I hope you can one day say that you have learned a great lesson.

A view years ago, i found a poem which sounded silly, but i found it comforting words. So take a look at this poem and think about it, and never give up! What makes you think that suicide will be a solution for your problems. Maybe when you die, this problems of you would manifest in a much greater way. Who knows?>

------------------------Poem-----------------------

One day as a small opening appeared on a cocoon, a man sat for several
hours watching the butterfly struggle to force its body through that
little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as
if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further. So the
man decided to help the butterfly. He took a paire of scissors and snipped
off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily,
but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The wings
would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, wich would
contract in time. Neither happened.

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around
with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What
the man, in his kindness and haste, dit not understand was that the
restricted cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get
through the tinny opening was nature's way of forcing fluid from the body
of the butterfly into wings. Then the butterfly would be ready for flight
once it achieved ifs freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were
allowed to go trough life without any obstacles, it would cripple us.
We would not be as strong as what we could be. We could never fly.

 

[Guest]

thank you all for your great and warm words. my heart feels whole.
these last days were pretty ugly, like a massive bad trip without any substances. i was unable to meditate or concentrate, and lost all social skills. physical workout made me feel good, but when my body got cold again, the feeling would come back as strong as ever.
my problems are not as simple as they might appear. they are the fruit of having my feelings and thoughts neglected by my family, feeling ridiculous and worthless to other people, feeling dissassociated from my body since i don't know how long, an abortion a few months back and no friends at all that i can talk to. the inability to speak my mind without using a mask. feeling uncomfortable everytime i say what i am thinking. everytime i have to speak, i have to think what other people will think of i will say next. as hard as it was for me to start this topic, i now think i did the right thing. i feel ashamed of myself. ashamed of my thoughts, they scared away the girlfriends i had in my teens. "when i tried to take off my mask, it was glued to my face", a great poet once said.
i feel better now. i haven't took any substances. it started fading away last night, in waves, like the beggining of a medium shroom trip. now, i feel very good. almost too good for me to belive in the truth of my own feelings. i wish i could hug many of the people who posted here. a big, warm hug for being true and human. for taking the time to say something to someone you don't know who it is, never met and have no obligations to.
i am very scared of going to a psychiatrist. i am affraid that he/she gives me something that will turn myself into a empty head, unable to create new things and enjoy myself as i am. i will try and change something in my social skills, and make everything to loose this fucking mask that only makes me more confused and unable to belive in myself.
thank you again for your kind words. it really meant much to me.

 

[tryptonaut]

It's sad to hear you're having such huge problems with yourself. I can't give you any perfect advice - if I could I wouldn't be having problems at all, and that's not the case...

I think I can roughly understand what you feel. I often tend to lock myself up and not talk to anybody for days when I have nothing to do. What makes it better for me is going to work - although my job isn't well paid and I have to work a lot, my colleagues are nice people and work is mostly fun. As soon as I'm at work all this "I don't want to see anybody" feeling is gone. I'm still trying to work something out so I can have the same state of mind on free days - because sometimes when I have 14 free days in a row I don't manage to do anything at all except watching tv. It's really annoying...

So, I think the feeling that I absolutely need to do something (like going to work) is good for my psyche. If there isn't a possibility not to go, then it's like a switch is turned on in my brain and I'm "functioning" (in a positive way)
If you can find someone or something that forces you to do stuff, that would be a good start, I guess. However I know how easy it is to not answer the phone and pretend you're not at home when somebody rings the doorbell...

A good shroom trip once in a while works pretty well for me to fight depression. The effects are definitely better than prozac (which I have taken for about a year). You said you tried lsd - have you tried shrooms? High doses are really scary in my opinion, but when I fight myself through, my mind becomes stronger.

If you feel nothing helps, go to a psychiatrist and get some medication. Better a living zombie for a while than being dead forever, right? You don't have to take medication forever, but it can help to drag you out of where you are stuck right now.

 

[GOD]

Dont worry , they cant make you take anything you dont want to .

Talking helps if you find the right doctor . If you cant talk to your doctor go to another one .

 

[forgetoz]

Nao procures um psiquiatra se tens medo das possíveis receitas (e com certa razão, apesar de como o GOD disse, nao te podem obrigar a nada...), mas talvez um bom psicólogo, basicamente alguém com quem possas falar e te possa guiar na forma como te encaras e aos outros. Posso-te ajudar a encontrar alguém se quiseres.

São muitos sintomas de um estado depressivo, e isso não é bonito, tens de te arrancar daí para fora :wink:

Acho que devias deixar de lado toda e qualquer substância, se não te ajudaram no passado é provável que na tua "condição" só façam pior!

No fundo ninguém te vai dizer que não saibas ou não tenhas já pensado, é questão de passar do pensar ao fazer, sair desse loop dentro de ti próprio e quebrar as barreiras que criaste.

 

[druglessdouglas]

its excellent you feel a bit better. you should still visit your doctor and tell them how you feel. there are a lot of new mood stabilizers out now one of which will suit you. i would avoid psychedelics though as it is stability you need until you have passed through this phase

 

[BrainEater]

the most important thing: watch your thoughts, as your thoughts are the oirigin of what you are experiencing.

but don't force a change of perspective in your thoughts, let it happen gently.


it's quite normal in a mad world like this, that sometimes one gets so frustrated like you and projects his insecurities and fears into others persons which in the end makes himself as a person feel bad.


this is a terrible cycle, but i have experienced it too... it feels like everything is alien and strange to you.


so i want to advice you not to torture yourself anymore, because there is no need, but i guess you have found that out already, so probably the situation is more like that you don't want to break out of this cycle.

it's like a roleplay, with the masks and so on, but sometimes it's just pathetic and also painful, just like the masks not always hides the person underneath, but shows it in a way, that the mask makes sense, but one might think the roleplay has gotten a bit too far....
when you realized this, you will see how sick the thing with the masks is... but it is like that in surprisingly many places of the world... so it's quite "normal" actually, which doesn't make it less sick in my opinion....


maybe you will recognize the person underneath your mask and i deem you will find a better person than you might think...maybe then you will be able to stop seeing other people like you did before?? because it seemed like you didn't like the way you were looking at them...or you didn't like what you were seeing, obviously.... maybe you will see other people differently, if they show themselves without their masks or from a different view....

anyways... wish ya all the best and i hope the good vibes i sent will arrive shortly!!!


peace.