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Counter-culture, pedantic delusions, my emo-bitch whining

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Elfe Mécanique
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9/12/08
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348
This is subject that is hard to approach and put into words, constantly on the fringe of useless cynism, potentially depression-fuel... My thoughts pacing frantically in their cage again, begging for more to chew on; this is why I write this, because I'm stuck and I need another lead to pursue, or a way to stop thinking. Ah, where to start?

My definition of counter-culture, or rather an example of it
Here I am, writing- here you are, reading- a thread in the Art & Philosophy section of a psychonautic-oriented web forum. We are an heterogenous group, but we share some culture, or rather sub-culture. This sub-culture is generally opposed to the mainstream culture, by its choice of music, readings, beliefs, views of the world, use of illicit drugs... A beautiful example of counter-culture. Counter-culture is a very (post-?)modern phenomena, perhaps fueled by the constant identical crisis of that huge, tiny world we live in... But it is flawed in an odd way; as soon as enough people adhere to the same counter-culture, it becomes a sort of culture. The individuality is lost again, and true counter-culture would be insanity, complete incapacity to relate to the real world... which is just what it romanticizes. Counter-culture does not really exist, but makes one think it's the on

2) Why the fuck did I go into such a description of counter-culture? Because it's a trap I fell in, and that is important to understand my/the whole actual problem
The psychonautic ideal is one of constant self-questioning, constant redefining, constant alienation. I've used psychedelics to think about my mind, thought about them, thought about my thoughts about them, thought about what may influence my thoughts in the whole process, at every step... And the only thing that comes out of it is "because I'm a whiny emo bitch who wants to be insane because that's soooo cool". Ehm, yeah, self-esteem is also an issue, but not today's subject. What I mean is that it leads nowhere. I've had some fun times with drugs, but other than that all the meta-thought only fueled a petit-bourgeois delusion of power, oh how better I am than the common mortal, they do not think, they are not torn apart by their own thoughts. I came in searching for authenticity, and I only learned that I could find none. Except there's no turning back now, I can't do anything concrete without a vague disgust for how futile it is compared to the grandiose nihilism I entertain. I don't see the beauty in an ever-changing, ever-to-be-defined world from which you can't draw a conclusion. It just fucks me up.

"So, what the fuck do you want me to do about it? "Oh, poor kid"... Feeling better now?"
Well, that could very well be it. A sophisticated way of saying "hey, look at me!". I really don't know. I consciously want to break free of it, and typing this I realize that I'm the only thing keeping myself from doing so. Yes, it is all very ridiculous when you consider that most people are facing, you know, real problems... losing a job, having accidents, whatever. In a sick but uncontrollable way, I envy them; if only I really had something to whine about. "Uncontrollable"... I don't know about that. I just feel powerless in that situation, I just really don't see a way out.

I guess at worst I'm wasting a bit of space on an internet server and a bit of time from people who click open this thread only to realise that it really is emo bitch whining, and at best someone will have lived through something similar and give me something to think about, something that might make daily life matter for once. No, I'm not suicidal, just sick and tired. And very whiny. Well at least I still have some sense of humour. [/i]
 
I`m not quite sure what you want / mean . Why dont you rewrite your post ........ without the self critic , its not your fault , or bad if you dont understand something and / or cant answer a question you have at the moment ....... and try to put your question in a more understandable , shorter way . If i`ve understood what your saying i might have an answer .
 
Hey man.
You think for yourself. That's good.
Most people just follow.

I think it's perfectly natural that you feel like this.
And if you feel like this maybe you can change something.

Authenticity is not something that comes out of counter culture. For a lot of people cultural movements, like counter culture or new age are substitutes for leading authentic lives.
It's like clothes or make up. People wear a cultural style. It has nothing to do with what's inside.

You call yourself an whinny emo (as a joke I hope) but an emo is not what you are

All I can say is follow your bliss. Listen to your hearth.
Tat Tvam Asi.
 
Okay. That was a long post filled with superfluous self-beating, sorry for that (and sorry for being so sorry again :wink: ). I'll try and summarize:

1) I keep entertaining nihilist thoughts (i.e. can't find meaning in life, and as such can't see how the daily struggle can be worth it)
2) I can't "fool myself" into believing that life is beautiful and incredible and magical
3) I suspect that the 1) and 2) come from a weird glamourization of insanity that somehow made its way into my mind and identity
4) I can't seem to do anything about 3) either
5) I don't find any pride, meaning or whatever in that kind of over-thinking. I want it to stop. The only way I know of making it stop is the brown plastic bottle in my bathroom cabinet. I haven't touched DXM in months, and I know I won't either, but the knowledge that I could fall back into that blissful nothingness at any moment...

I think that sums it up.

Help? Any kind of?
 
Glamorization of insanity?
So you wanted to be insane.
And now you're stuck because your believe system is falling apart ?

If I am understanding you correctly, you have been trying to figure out who it is you are.
What you are, who you are.

Am I correct or do I miss your point?
 
Well, I first saw that "selfless quest for knowledge" of mine as the highest possible ideal, a sort of romantic sacrifice of my sanity in the name of Truth or something (hence the "pedantic delusion"). Then yes, that obviously fell apart, but maybe the failure was part of the plan... I don't really know anymore. I guess I saw nothing but suicide ahead of me, so I decided to do it Don Quichotte-style. All I know is that I've had enough of it now.

Maybe it's just the general atmosphere of my thoughts that make it impossible to see further. Maybe I just need some time away from myself... I feel my head is crammed with useless thoughts, I wake up with a headache and go to bed with a headache.

Clinical depression? When your father's a doctor, you're never sick.

Oh and sorry about the whole counter-culture bit. It started one way, then died... Yes I'm pretty confused as to what I think.
 
Thats what i thought you ment . Dont feel bad its normal for a thinker to think hes in a culdysack sometimes .

I`m to fucked to explain what i think now but i will tomorow .
 
Maybe you need to rediscover yourself.
I don't know you. But if you stay inside and isolate yourself it's not going to help.
I am not a doctor, But when I feel down I go for a wake or a swim. Maybe a long bike ride.
:idea:
 
Yes, I enjoy biking in the woods a lot, in fact it might the only sport I really like. I've finally taken my bike out yesterday (it's still all muddy and there's still snow here in Canada), but it's been raining since.

However, I'm not feeling down today, or this week, but more like for the past two-three years (and chronic headaches since then, if not for longer). I've been hitting a different kind of bottom lately, a more lucid one perhaps... But it's all the same in practical terms, i.e. motivation to do stuff.

I'll be away from home for the whole summer (British Columbia!), maybe that will be enough of a change to give me a chance of crawling back up. Aaargh, two months...

Anyway, "being a thinker" just made me realise that most people are satisfied with not knowing who they are, what they are doing or if there is purpose in anything, and that's something I just can't do even if I know that it's a useless quest, asymptotic at best. Usually people tell me "you shouldn't think about that, because it's not fun"... Wow. What a relief.

So yeah, thanks for trying to trudge through the shit that filled that first post and help me.
 
sounds to me like you just need to have some fun. Also I would really suggest that if you like riding bikes join a marathon. Remember everything is easy
 
Its not shit . Its the thing everyone is faced with but most people shit out long before they get to where you are now . Its the old why am i , who am i , whats the point and when will i find some solid mental ground / stillness / satisfaction to stand on .

The journey never ends . Stay awake and watch .

Know that you cant have answers for everything and ACEPT it . Know that if you dont it will fuck you . Know that its not posible . Remember the loose ends and some day some of them might come together .

Strugeling to understand and make sense of things can be your bigest hinderance to understanding them .

Remember there is no end point , there is no shelter from the storm , its part of being grown up . Standing like a man in a storm on top of a mountain .

There is no place where you can stand on firm ground . No place to hide . No stillness . Rule number one is EVERYTHING IS MOVEING .

You have what you have and the chances you have , make the best of them .
 
Yes, I guess it has a lot to do with accepting uncertainty... Which I find very hard, having being somewhat an idealist (as in idea>matter) for a while. Beauty in assymetry, I guess...

That got me thinking, what kind of fucked up world? I kind of wish society made me run in the jungle for three days with open wounds on my back and tell me "you're a man now" after. No, turning 18 was a pat on the back, and having the right to drink, smoke, watch porn and vote. An attempt at an adulthood ritual would feel very forced, but maybe I should try...
It feels like in postmodern societies the new generations are choked into never becoming adults, for some fear of obsolescence and death from the elders. Thoughts on this?

Oh and I've been considering Nietzsche and the übersmensch recently... not an easy way of life to integrate into today's society, but at least something concrete to oppose to nihilist self-destruction. Thoughts on this?
Or should I make it into another thread?
 
"Yes, I guess it has a lot to do with accepting uncertainty."

That aint dificult . Youve been doing it all day every day all your life . You just became aware that you were so why should it bother you ?
 
GOD a dit:
That aint dificult . Youve been doing it all day every day all your life . You just became aware that you were so why should it bother you ?

:D.

That one really put a smile on my face. I'm going for a walk, lots of things to reflect upon. Thanks a lot.
 
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